Unfinished business

The road to being a couch potato, taking naps in the middle of the day and bingeing Breaking Bad - again - is paved with good intentions.

One of the increasingly dwindling perks of working in advertising is that almost all ad agencies close between Christmas and New Year's. Like the one I'm currently at. So, besides my wish list for Santa, which apparently he didn't have time to read (so much for the Audi R8 and Scarlett Johansson's phone number), I also make a to-do list of things to get done around the house during the week off that I never have time for when I'm working.

It includes seemingly simple things like clean out my closet (nope). Clean out the garage (nope). Get all the books I haven't read and are sitting on my nightstand organized (nope). Get everything off the top of my dresser (nope). Make and label files for all the paperwork I have sitting all over the house (nope). Get all the Christmas decorations organized and put away (nope). Clean and repair the gutters before El Niño strikes with a vengeance (paid someone do it).

Items like watching some movies, napping and Breaking Bad weren't on the list. Yet somehow, because I'm just that good at multitasking, I managed to get them done.

I think what actually happened is I took the idea of a work break to heart and brought it home with me for the week. And you know what? It's been a great week.

The good news is now I don't have to waste time thinking up a bunch of New Year's resolutions. I'll just use the list.

T'was the night before Christmas - Revision 6

If this post looks familiar, you have a fine memory. I posted it exactly one year ago today. I guess the fact I'm reposting it again here would be considered re-gifting. You're welcome.

Anyway, many people have asked me to post it again this year. Okay, not many but a few. And by a few I mean my wife. Alright, none. C'mon, it's Christmas Eve. I've got things to do, and coming up with a brand new post just wasn't on the list. Does that make me naughty? Guess I'll find out tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, please to enjoy. And the very merriest Christmas to you and yours.

‘Twas the night before Christmas in the agency halls
Not a planner was stirring, there were no client calls
The glasses were hung by the conference room with care
In hopes the Christmas party would soon begin there

Creative directors nestled with campaigns that were dead
While visions of One Show Awards danced in their head
They’d talk of production and work they had done
It was true this year’s party would be nothing but fun

When out in the lobby there rose such a clatter
I sprang from the status meeting to see what was the matter
Was it the new intern wearing an Urban Outfitters jacket
What could possibly be making all of that racket

With a little old driver, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name

Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!
Let’s go in the kitchen and see what they’re fixen!
To the corner office and just down the hall
They found trays of hors de oeuvres and ate them all!

The staff would look forward to the holiday bonus
Saying "as hard as we’ve worked of course they would owe us"
The general manager spoke, it was quite a summit
He told us all how profits had started to plummet

Cutbacks, downsizing, raise-freezes, client losses
He would if he could, but not so the bosses
He charted the bonus with marker not chalk
He wrote on the white board “That’s just crazy talk.”

They showed the work that’d been done all through the year
But with no bonuses the staff was not of good cheer
Sure there was music and dancing for those who were able
Even some shenanigans on the conference room table

Soon it was over, soon it was gone
All the carrying they’d planned had been carried on
The party was finished, the tinsel unhung
The songs they were singing had all been sung

After bad luck like this, what else could they add
It was Christmas, and really, things weren’t that bad
Until he exclaimed as his limo drove out of sight
Happy pink slip to all, and to all a good night!

Doc me

In case you couldn’t tell from the Christmas decorations that went up at Labor Day, we’re coming into the final stretch of 2015.

Which in my case only means one thing: doctor appointments.

Like a lot of people, my family and I will be making our year end, deductible and co-payment free visits to the doctor. There’s nothing wrong with us—in fact we’re all pretty much the picture of health. But starting midnight on January 1st, our deductible kicks in again, and we’ll be paying our own way until we meet it for the year. And because we’re such perfect physical specimens, that doesn’t happen until we’re at least past the halfway point.

So for the next eight days, it’s off to the podiatrist. The acupuncturist. The pharmacy. The chiropractor. The dentist. The ophthalmologist. The pediatrician. The lab. The specialist.

The holiday season is crazy enough without running around to these appointments. This year I’m asking Santa for morning appointments before 10 a.m.

Anyway, there’s still shopping to do, so I’m going to call it a post.

Maybe I can pick up a new paper exam gown for the wife, and some tongue depressors for the kids.

Star Wars wars

If you haven't seen Star Wars Vll yet there are some SPOILERS here. Warned you have been.

Here's the thing: I've been to Comic Con the last eight years. I've slept out on the cold, wet grass with 6500 of my closest friends waiting in line for Hall H while looking across the street at my empty $300 a night hotel room. I've fought the crowds, seen the panels and been thrilled by exclusive footage that's available online seconds after it's shown. My pop culture/geek/nerd credentials are firmly intact, and I have the badges to prove it.

Having said that, I don't feel I'm under any obligation to fall lockstep in line with everyone who's gushing over the new Star Wars. For the record, I liked it. Didn't love it, but liked it.

I know this will be a hard landing for hardcore fans, and I'm sorry you have to find out this way, but it's not a perfect film.

People who don't have the energy to come out of their basements somehow seem to muster enough to relentlessly tell me why I'm wrong in my opinion. Even though it's my opinion. And even though I'm right in my facts and critique.

Anyway, the fact I'm not worshipping at the Star Wars altar shouldn't take anything away from your enjoyment of the film. Or maybe I have some unseen power, some ancient, mystical ability if you will where I can use my mind to exert my will over you that lets me crush your pleasure at seeing the movie. But I doubt it.

Have at it. Enjoy all fifteen times you're going to see it. I want you to. I'll still ask why Kylo Ren assigns only one Stormtrooper to guard Rey, the most valuable prisoner ever. Or why Finn, having never held a light saber, is suddenly able to hold his own against the dark side of the force in a light saber battle with Kylo Ren. Or why Kylo Ren didn't just "force" him into oblivion without working up a sweat. Or if Kylo Ren is leader of the Knights of Ren, why there are no other Knights of Ren in the movie? Or about 37 other questions you're free to ignore.

I love J.J. Abrams, and I liked Star Wars Vll. It's a fun, nostalgic, visually great popcorn movie with great new characters, one breakout new star and a fairly perfect ending. I'm sure I'll see it again. And if it makes you happy, I'll wait in line with you for Star Wars Vlll, but not for the whole three weeks.

But for the love of Lucas, stop arguing with me about it. I'm not trying to change your mind, I'm just letting you know what I think. No matter how many times you come back at me, I'm not going to see it your way.

And, despite whatever new hope you have, you can't force me.

Pregnant pause

As a freelance copywriter, you go through different seasons.

The unemployed season. The four-agencies-want-you-at-the-same-time season. The let's-have-lunch season. The I-think-I've-used-too-many-hypens season.

One season I went through for a while was the copywriter-on-maternity-leave season.

It seemed every gig I booked was for exactly three months, filling in for someone who was out on maternity leave. It always made me happy. Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you I'm a romantic at heart.

When love is in the air, money is in the bank.

Anyway, my point is it's never too early to start planning ahead. I'd like to suggest to all the female copywriters thinking about bringing a bouncing bundle of joy into your lives that now is the time. There are so many benefits - for you I mean.

Your parents will stop asking when you're going to have a baby. You and your significant other can start planning the gender-neutral color scheme if you live west of Lincoln, or whether the room is going to be blue or pink if you live east of Lincoln. Your friends can start thinking about how much they're going to spend on your gift at the baby shower (insider tip: don't give the Diaper Genie, they already have one. It's called a trash can).

And you'll have a tax deduction you didn't have before.

In case you were wondering, suggesting you get started now has nothing to do with the fact my son's 2016/17 tuition is due end of August, beginning of September, coincidentally right about the time you'll be having your baby.

Take it from me, nothing in life is more rewarding than you having a baby.

That goes for both of us.

Keeping a secret

There’s a holiday tradition everyone who works in an advertising agency eventually runs up against despite mighty, mighty efforts to avoid it.

The White Elephant holiday gift exchange. Sometimes known as Secret Santa.

Essentially it’s a primitive holiday ritual where you and all your co-workers buy inexpensive gag gifts no one wants, then exchange them. Hilarity ensues. (At my house, we call this Christmas). You can challenge your co-workers if someone gets one you actually want, or you can just hang on to yours and silently figure out who you don’t like enough to re-gift it to.

From Magic Eight Balls to Fart Extinguishers to the How To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting To Kill You book, white elephant gift exchanges are exactly the opposite of what they’re intended to be: Funny.

So, being in the giving spirit of the holiday – although I’m not saying which holiday – I’d like to suggest three Secret Santa/White Elephant gifts that are agency appropriate, worth a few laughs and inexpensive to create or buy.

Which is good, because you're not getting a bonus this year either.

The Pink Slip.

Agencies are notorious for having heartless housecleanings just before Christmas. Give your colleagues an official looking pink slip, and enjoy the merriment when they can’t tell if it’s real or not. For extra fun, have everyone take a step back from the recipient when they open it.

Dock the Halls.

Use card stock in the mailroom to dummy up some realistic looking timesheets, with the hour for the gift exchange you're right in the middle of marked as docked from their pay. Watch the fun as the bitching reaches new heights. Wait, is that someone marching off to read HR the riot act? You can't put a price on entertainment value like this!

Manual Labor.

Showcase your creativity, since the client doesn't let you showcase it anywhere else, with this 100% fake Employee Manual. Contains uproarious, fictional and totally bogus sections like Our Profit-Sharing Plan, Vacation Days, Overtime Pay, Bonus Structure, Addressing Grievances, Internet Use Policy and much, much more. Wait a minute, that's the actual employee manual. Oh well, even funnier. And the printing's already done for you.

I hope these suggestions have been helpful. As you rip open the gift wrap, don't forget to pause and give the fake laugh while you say unconvincingly, "Oh, that's..great.." And remember to be kind, because bringing joy to the world and love and friendship to your colleagues is what the true spirit of the season is about.

Plus you have to work with these people every day. At least until someone hands one of you a real pink slip.

Office space.

It doesn’t happen often, but like the Harmonic Convergence, total eclipse of the sun, Halley’s Comet and client approval, if you wait long enough you’ll live to see it.

Dust off those childhood dreams: NASA is now accepting astronaut applications for the upcoming Mars mission.

No doubt, despite the stringent requirements, they’ll be inundated with applications from hundreds, make that thousands, of unqualified people who haven’t seen Gravity and think space travel is as easy as booking a flight on Jet Blue. It's not. For starters, the baggage fees on the Mars trip are much steeper.

I think if NASA wants to thin the herd down to uniquely qualified candidates, the one place they should definitely start recruiting from is ad agencies. Here’s why:

Creative people are used to keeping themselves amused during long assignments that seem like they’ll never end – and often times never do.

Agency people know how to subsist on to two-day old bagels, cold pizza and pumpkin muffins so hard you could slay Goliath with them. Dehydrated, freeze-dried, bite-sized foods coated with gelatin would be like dinner at Morton’s.

The part about wearing a suit they’re uncomfortable in, even for a short time, is something they’ve done before. And sadly, peeing in that suit isn’t anything new either.

Experience being trapped in a small space with three other people you have to pretend to like? Check.

Having no choice but to accept and make course corrections from nameless, faceless voices on the other end of a speaker is something creative people do all the time.

Once there, agency people have all the knuckles and know-how needed to make a great commercial to recruit future astronauts for subsequent missions. The toughest part will be going without a trendy restaurant with an outdoor patio for lunch.

Finally, agency people will give the Red Planet a short, memorable, meaningful tagline that can be used on t-shirts, mugs and banner ads no one clicks on.

No doubt with agency people steering the ship, NASA will have the right people for the job.

As long as the job doesn't start before 10 a.m.