Life unsubscribed

If you're anything like me—smart, talented, funny and...what's the word...oh yeah, humble—you can remember there was a time when opening email was something to look forward to. Most of those emails in the past came from friends that, because they're my friends, were funny, insightful, enlightening, thought-provoking and worth the time they took to read them.

But like cheap gas, my 32-inch waist and Springsteen tickets under five-thousand dollars, it was a long time ago.

The good emails gradually got overtaken by offers from Nigerian princes, barristers in London with multi-million dollar inheritances waiting for me, hot Ukranian girls who wanted to meet me (can you blame them?) and an assortment of enhancement, diet, prostate, muscle-building and relaxation pill offers.

I never opened them. I'd see the subject line, block the sender and mark it as junk mail.

In the same way baseball, leaves changing and pumpkin spice latte are seasonal, so is email. And in case you haven't noticed, right now we're in the heart of election season.

I've always been the kind of person to put my money where my mouth is, especially when it comes to electing democratic progressives and making sure we defeat all the nazi-lovin', election-denyin', vaccine-fearin', propaganda-spreadin', fear-mongerin', insurrection-incitin', trump-followin', top secret document-sellin', fascist-lovin', cult-obsessin', crazy-lyin' candidates and their base that make up today's GQP.

And if you're not getting the picture, let me make it a little clearer by bringing it down to a personal, one-on-one level in a way you can understand: if you support, identify with, condone, contribute to, defend or in any other way align your political, spiritual or social views with those of Cadet Bone Spurs, Gym Jordan, Marjorie Traitor Greene, Moscow Mitch, Snake Oil Dr. Mehmet Oz, "Little" Marco Rubio, Lauren Bobert, Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Kevin McCarthy, Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz or any one of the other cowardly, traitorous, brainwashed Republicans trying to take down democracy, then fuck you.

Twice.

Anyway, because I've donated to people and causes I believe in, my email address has found it's way onto lists for virtually every democratic candidate running in any race anywhere in the country this season. As a result, my inbox is being flamed with political messages all with subject lines like:

"It's not looking good"

"We're short of our goal"

"Respectfully asking"

"I need your help to defeat..."

"Have you seen our TV ad"

"Your contribution will help to..."

You get the idea.

I understand money is the lifeblood of politics. And while I've gladly and enthusiastically contributed several times to Raphael Warnock in Georgia, Val Demmings in Florida, AOC in NYC, Beto in Texas, Mark Kelly in Arizona and John Fetterman in Pennsylvania among others—and will continue to whenever I'm able—I just can't keep getting 75-80 emails a day asking me to pony up. Sometimes up to ten or more from the same candidate.

"Care to make that a recurring monthly donation?" No I do not.

So I've hit my limit and hit the unsubscribe link. Hopefully this will reduce the amount of daily political hat-in-hand posts that clog my inbox and take up far too much time deleting. I know who I want to donate to and the candidates I want to win, and I'll give as much as I can and do everything I can to make sure they do.

In the meantime, they'll have to trust that I'm thinking of them even if they're not hearing back from me. Ten times a day.

The polished man

It's been a little over a month since I last posted here, and judging by the endless flow of heartfelt emails and texts asking what was wrong, I've come to the conclusion I probably could've taken another month. Or two.

What I'm saying is thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

So here's the thing: when I think about other career opportunities from time to time, as many of my co-workers have suggested I do, hand model has never been high on the list. In fact it's never been on the list at all.

As you can see by the picture, unless I've underestimated the market for sausage-fingered, mildly spotted, chubby hands holding all kinds of consumer products, I'm probably going to stay where I am.

One other career I've opted out of is Photoshop artist. You can probably tell I tried to soften the visible wear-and-tear on my paws, although I'm not sure to what degree of success.

The one item that isn't photoshopped is the black nail polish on the pinky (really, what color did you think it would be?). Now I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not going through my metrosexual stage or trying to upset my wife any more than I usually do.

There's a very worthwhile organization called Polished Man that raises awareness and money to fight violence against children. If you go to their website here, you'll get the whole story, including the reason a painted nail is the representative gesture.

Here's a fact: the reason only one nail is highlighted is because one child is a victim of violence every five minutes. It's a finger thing. And a math thing. And a sad thing.

If you want to support the cause, pamper yourself a little and get a nice manicure. And while you're there, ask them to polish one of your nails. Then go to the website and give time, money or support in any way you're able.

As far as jobs go, hand model is definitely out. But lending a hand to prevent children from being victims of violence definitely feels right.