Elephant in the room

This will come as a shock, but even in the halcyon days before Covid, going to the dentist was never on my short list of favorite things. It ranked slightly above getting a colonoscopy and just below hearing the Facts Of Life theme song.

But ask anyone who knows me, and right after they stop laughing they’ll tell you I’m nothing if not an overachiever. And because I am, unlike mere mortals I need to have my teeth cleaned three times a year instead of the usual two.

One of those appointments came up back in May. My dentist’s office called to ask if I was going to be comfortable coming in, and I assumed she was asking because of Covid and not my usual bad attitude towards having a strangers hands messing around in my mouth.

I told her, for both reasons, I was not.

So we postponed the appointment a few months, even though I knew full well because I was missing it the next cleaning was going to involve x-rays, extra scraping, maybe a transfusion and definitely smelling salts.

When it came time to face the music last month, I was still apprehensive because of Covid, but I also didn’t want my teeth to wind up looking like Austin Powers’.

As I arrived I was relieved to see my dentist was following strict Covid protocols. I couldn’t just walk in, I had to call from outside and let him know I was there.

Once inside, I had to answer a short questionnaire, using a clean pen, and then had my temperature taken. I was walked back to the hygienist’s area and directed to the chair. That’s when I saw it: the elephant in the room.

The rather unattractive piece of technology you see up top here is referred to as The Elephant. It’s an industrial grade air filter that sucks the air down the tube before any particles of anything have a chance to go anywhere—like into your nose or mouth.

They placed it literally a quarter inch from my mouth. It was extremely loud but strangely reassuring (just like my high school girlfriend).

My hygienist was wearing two masks, gloves and a face shield. She also pointed out that of the two of us, she was the one more in danger of being exposed to something since my yap was wide open the whole time.

Anyway, the Elephant did a swell job, and I left the office without catching anything except a case of pearly whites. My next daring deed will be masking up and returning to my acupuncturist.

For a long list of reasons, I’m hoping there are no needles called The Elephant in his office.

Short in the tooth

As anyone who’s done it will tell you, working in close proximity to others has its advantages and disadvantages.

For example, my desk is—for now—in an office with three other people. I consider myself lucky I have an office at all, since there’s a remodel coming that’ll convert most of the agency to an open office space floorplan. Did they read any of the articles and studies saying open office plans do exactly the opposite of what they’re intended to do? Do they care it makes people less productive and discourages collaboration? Don’t they realize it may be cheaper than individual offices in the short run, but the cost of replacing personnel as people leave due to lack of human interaction and difficulty concentrating on their work actually make it more expensive? Did they ask me if they should do it? The answer to all of the above is no. No they did not.

Don’t get me started.

Where was I? Oh, right. So my office isn’t really big enough for four people, but everyone likes each other and we work well together. Bonus for me: it means I always have an audience to try out new material. So win-win.

Anyway, our office is situated next to some desks in the hallway right outside it that have become a social gathering place for people in my group to hang out and talk about a variety of things. Some really annoying, some extremely entertaining.

Case in point: today someone was talking about their tiny lower teeth. I filed it under entertaining.

As I read this over, it occurs to me it's probably going to be one of those “you had to be there” posts. But it was hilarious. Not so much the fact this person had a lower row of teeth that would have self-esteem issues around a box of tiny Chiclets, but the fact the conversation just went on and on. And on.

Smiles. Retainers. Teasing as a child. Trouble chewing. It had everything. Plus while he was yapping on, and on, about his Shetland teeth, I was providing running commentary to my audience...er...officemates who couldn't help but also overhear the conversation.

This is the point where I usually try to wrap things up with a snappy little line. I was thinking something about biting satire. Finishing the post by the skin of my teeth. Fighting tooth and nail. Sinking my teeth into the post. But somehow none of them seemed quite right.

I might have to chew on it for awhile longer.

On retainer

Like a few of my high school girlfriends, retainers are not pretty, but sometimes they are necessary. Especially if you've spent thousands fixing your teeth and intend to keep them that way.

When I was a kid, I somehow managed to escape wearing braces. First of all, my teeth were always fairly straight (operative word is fairly - more in a minute). And, back then, braces were a subtle yet sturdy blend of heavy metals combined with chain link and eighty-gage wire. Also, my parents were struggling to make ends meet as it was, and braces were way down on the list below things like food and paying the bills.

However I was reintroduced to the world of braces when my kids needed them. Apparently brace technology - a term you don't hear often - has made big strides over the years. Materials are lighter, they blend with the tooth color more easily and, in fact, some are even almost invisible.

Hence the name Invisalign.

When I took my son and daughter to get their braces, I asked the orthodontist what it would take to correct my one tooth in front on the bottom that was overlapping another one. No one else had ever noticed or commented on it, but I had focused on it for years. When I would smile - which was a lot of the time, because as anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a happy-go-lucky, easy goin' guy - it's the only thing I'd see. The good news was he said it was a simple correction and could be done with Invisalign, a plastic brace molded to the shape of your teeth that you change every two weeks to accommodate the teeth moving. Sounded good to me.

Besides, once you're in for a few thousand on the kids hardware, what's a few thousand more?

After a year, my teeth were straight, bleached and beautiful. And I thought that was the end of it and I was done. All I'd have to do from now on was smile. But apparently I didn't read the small print.

Seems teeth, like creative directors, have a memory of their own and always want to retreat back to their original position. To prevent that, I had to wear top and bottom retainers at nighttime. When I asked how long, my orthodontist kind of looked down at his very expensive shoes I'm sure I paid for and said one word: forever.

Since forever is a long time I opted for the traditional plastic and metal retainers shown here. I'd be wearing them at night so no one except my wife would see them, and she was stuck with that "better or worse" clause. Also, I was fine wearing plastic during the day, but for some reason sleeping with it on my teeth bothered me.

To keep the retainers clean, I have to soak them for fifteen minutes every night in a glass of Efferdent Denture Cleaner. Nothing makes you feel young again like using denture cleaner for anything.

But let's not forget the point of it all (yes there is one). My teeth are straight, I'm happy and having to wear retainers each night is a small price to pay to keep it that way.

And when I say small price to pay, I'm speaking figuratively.