Father's Day 2014

I don't usually re-post on here, but today's my day and one of the perks is I don't have to write a new post if I don't want to. Especially when this one - which did fine last year and the year before that - will do just fine again.

I think you dads know what I'm talkin' about..

Since today is Father's Day, I thought I'd take a minute to pay tribute to the great dads of our time. No, not the real ones, the tv ones.

It occurred to me as I was looking for these pictures that the fictional dads are as varied as the real-life ones are.

The difference is that they make great decisions almost all the time. And even when they don't, they get to resolve the situation properly in a half hour or an hour.

Sometimes they're just as much a mystery as the real ones are. For example when they appear to us after they've died and we've crashed on an island. As they so often will.

And sometimes, the people you think are least equipped to be a dad turn out to be great ones.

I used to joke that ninety percent of the job was just showing up. But two teenagers later - while it's still a big part of it - I've learned the percentage is way off.

To all the real world dads, who need more than thirty or sixty minutes to make things right, who are there for their kids at breakfast, after school, after dinner and in the middle of the night, doing their best day in and day out to provide everything and more for their kids, Happy Father's Day.

What weekend?

Here's what I think happens. Every Friday after work - when I'm lucky enough to be working - unbeknownst (five-dollar word) to me I get kidnapped and placed into a time machine set for Monday.

Then, as if there was never any weekend at all, it's just me and Monday morning.

The kidnappers are smart. They implant false memories in my head, like what happened on Dexter (someone got killed), True Blood (someone got turned) and The Newsroom (someone was walking and talking fast) when they aired on Sunday so I'll believe I've actually had a weekend.

But I haven't. I know this because they also give me memories of running around the entire weekend I didn't have doing errands, then doing chores when I'm at home. For some reason, they don't want me to have any memories of a pleasurable, leisurely weekend.

Because they know that would just make me want them more.

Even though I think I'm writing this on Sunday night, I know that can't be and it's probably actually Monday morning.

Fortunately after this coming week I'll be on vacation. Then every day will feel like Saturday.

At least that's what I'm hoping.

Welcome back cauter

Nice picture isn't it? It's sunrise over the Caribbean Sea.

The reason it's here is because it's considerably more pleasant to look at than the images I got when I Googled "nasal cauterization."

Take my word for it.

The reason I was looking that up is because I had to have it done last week. I was sitting on one of our newly reupholstered couches at home, and I sneezed. Hard. When I did, the wall of a weakened blood vessel very near the surface on the inside of my nose blew, and I started bleeding profusely.

It was like a scene out of Dexter.

Thank God I managed to get into the bathroom and over the sink so I could bleed there instead of the couch.

Now, the site of my nose gushing blood like the well in There Will Be Blood (no pun intended) would normally be enough to scare me into a panic. Fortunately, I knew what was happening because it's happened before.

The same thing occurred a couple years ago, and I had to have vessels in both sides of my nose cauterized. In case you're not familiar with cauterization - and why would you be - it's a minor procedure where they burn the vessel either electrically or, as they did in my case, chemically with silver nitrate to stop the bleeding and seal the blood vessel with scar tissue so it doesn't happen again. At least in that vessel.

It works in theory. But here's the thing: once you have it done, your body says, "Hey, what the heck! How am I gonna get blood to this guys schnoz?" So it regrows the vessel(s).

It's not necessarily the location that makes it happen. It's the fact the nose dries out and weakens them. Hence the small bottle of saline solution you'll see me spraying up there five times a day for the next month.

The other thing is that while it heals, I can't blow my nose or sniffle too hard. And I have to sneeze with my mouth wide open, which takes the pressure off the nose, not to mention scares the hell out of anyone within earshot cause it's so loud.

That part is fun.

Then there's the Neosporin that I have to apply very carefully each night with Q-Tips so my nose doesn't dry out during the night. I'd like to take a moment to thank the Santa Ana winds for their impeccable timing.

So, all in all, it looked a lot worse than it was. And at the end of the day, I realize it could've been symptomatic of something much worse. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Not the least of which is finding that picture of the Caribbean. Trust me.

Terri Hatcher has big ones

How can you not see them? She's practically shoving them at you. And they're staring you right in the face. Besides, she's an actress. She knows you're looking at them. Plus when skinny girls like her have a pair that big, you really can't help but notice.

I'm talking about her ears.

I caught a bit of Desperate Housewives last night (okay, first, my macho self-esteem is not threatened. And second, I'd already seen the east coast feed of Dexter), and there was a shot with her hair pulled back in a pony tail and oh my God look at the size of those ears!

It's probably not the first feature she wants viewers focusing on. But being an actress, you'd think she'd know her good angles from her bad. And this was bad.

I think one of the reasons those ears are so prominent is all the plastic surgery she's had. Her cheeks (and lips, and forehead) are pulled so tight, her ears slant forward at an angle not usually found in nature.

I don't mean to pick on her. I've always liked her. She was great in a small film called The Big Picture, starring Kevin Bacon and directed by Christopher Guest. I also liked her a lot in Lois & Clark.

It's a tough business to get older in, especially for women, and I don't begrudge her doing what she needs to do to stay competitive in it.

All I'm saying is if you have as much money as she does, and you're going to get as much plastic surgery as she's had, the question you probably want people asking at the end of it all is "How does she still look so great?"

Instead of "How many channels you get on those things?"

What does it say about me?

These are my two favorite shows.

I'm five seasons into Dexter, and three into In Treatment. Which means I've been with both of them since the beginning.

In case you've been living under a rock, Dexter, played by Michael C. Hall, is about a serial killer who lives by a code. The code has a few parts to it. One is not to kill anyone who doesn't deserve it. Another is to make it really entertaining.

In Treatment, starring Gabriel Byrne, is the less flashier of the two. It's about a psychiatrist named Paul Weston and four of his patients. Three of the episodes are sessions with his patients, and the forth is Weston's session with his own shrink. Two air on Monday, and two on Tuesday.

Sometimes it's hard to tell who has the bigger issues - the shrink or the serial killer. Just like in real life, the one who seems normal has a lot of secrets, while the one who seems crazy has a lot of answers.

If you work in advertising, you're already familiar with serial killers and shrinks. They just have different titles at the agency.

The beauty of it is I can enjoy Dexter on Sunday, and then therapy with In Treatment on Monday and Tuesday.

It's a cathartic yet well-adjusted way to begin each week, not to mention great fun not to be taken too seriously.

Well, I see our time is up. Better pack up the knives and get out of here.