Reading the signals

Since phones aren't actually used much for calling people anymore, there needs to be a better way to get in touch with people when you need them. Sure, texting is fun, but sometimes you have to wait a while before the person texts you back.

What we need is the next text. I'd like to nominate the bat signal.

Every time Lt. Gordon shined that sucker in the sky - and it's a lucky thing Gotham had cloudy nighttime weather - Batman would show in minutes.

I call that proof of concept.

When you're born, besides diaper rash and a Social Security number, every baby should get their own sky symbol to be used later in life on their individualized signals.

Not only would it bring people to you when you want them, it would stimulate the economy by providing work to thousands of designers and graphic artists. Copywriters would get work out of it too, because we all know eventually advertising agencies would find a way to convince people to sell space on their signals for headlines and marketing messages.

Bat ching!

The other thing is the sky is a much bigger screen than even the iPhone 6 Plus. A summoning signal can't help but get noticed, if not by the person it's intended for, at least by someone who knows them.

Then they could send a text and tell them to look up.

Urine no position to talk

I am a series of contradictions. I’m private by nature, but also a little social butterfly. Outgoing, but guarded. I like good conversation, but have no patience for small talk. I’d never describe myself as chatty, especially in certain places.

Like elevators. Or restrooms.

For some reason, the design of most men’s rooms is far too neighborly for me. At least a lot of them have the good sense to put up a divider between urinals. But even that doesn’t stop these lamebrains with full bladders and empty heads from wanting to strike up a conversation while emptying the tank.

Here’s my question: how starved for conversation are you that you feel the need to talk to a complete stranger while they’re peeing?

It usually starts with a head nod, and the usual, “Hey.” Who the hell knows where it goes from there: sports scores, cars, women. Happy to talk about them all.

Just. Not. Here.

It’s like going to clubs and seeing guys in the men’s room on their cell phones. Is that the best place to make the call? Not that urinals and toilets flushing don't make a lovely backdrop to the conversation.

Fortunately, side-by-side isn’t the only option where I’m currently working. There’s one urinal off by itself, a stall wall on one side, and a tile wall on the other. Conversation proof and private. Or as private as it can be in a public restroom. This is the one I use. If it’s busy, I’ll leave and go to another men’s room on another floor in the building. They’re all the same.

I know what you're thinking: if I want privacy, why not just use a stall? Because if I use a stall I have to close the door and lock it. I'm a bit of a germophobe. I don't want to touch more things than I have to, if you get my drift.

So a little advice when nature calls. Go, do your business, and leave. Don’t strike up a conversation, with me or anybody else.

Because you know what's almost more unbearable than being involved in a bathroom conversation? Listening to one.