A way out

If you follow me on Facebook, you know what was once a snarky, funny, advertising-bashing feed has turned into one long, deservedly anti-Trump rant 24/7. In light of that, this post may surprise you with its sympathetic tone.

Here's what we all know: Mr. Trump never thought he was going to win the presidency, which was fine with him because he never really wanted the job. What he wanted was publicity and his name in the papers and broadcast news everyday. Then he was going to leverage his provable popularity into a favorable deal for a Trump Network, where one can only assume you'd be able to find reruns of man-crush Sean Hannity, and yet another reboot of the Odd Couple starring Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh (SPOILER ALERT: Limbaugh's the sloppy one).

I know the nation wants a way out, and doggone it, judging from how tired he looks and incoherent his thoughts seem to be, I bet Mr. Trump does too.

I'd like to suggest he write a resignation letter, a bold, unexpectedly honest letter to the Secretary of State—who is the person who accepts that letter—and the nation, and simply explain the situation.

And because I'm a giver at heart, I'd like to offer him this draft:

Dear Mr. Secretary of State,

Well, it's been a crazy few weeks. Certainly far more active in every sense than I would've expected. Executive orders, banning Muslims, repealing Obamacare, the protests. Frankly, I'm spent.

Here's the thing: I never wanted the job. I had the kind of life many people admired. Money, beautiful wife, children I like a great deal, my own building in mid-town Manhattan. Don't forget the jet—pretty nice rolling up to runway 25 Left and seeing that baby fueled and ready.

Anyway, the point is I'm tendering my resignation as President of the United States. I believe my biggest campaign promise of bringing the nation together has been done. Mission accomplished. Have you seen those protests? You tell me the last time people were united like that. You're welcome.

Effective immediately, Mike Pence will assume the office of President. Now, Pence is not the ideal man for the job, and let's face it—I'm a tough act to follow. But he knows how government works much better than I do, and he's less likely to launch the missiles over a disagreement. I can admit it, I've got a temper. I'm working on it.

Besides, I was never going to help my base anyway. Did they really think I cared if they had jobs or not? I mean, I could hire a few of them to pull weeds on the back nine at Mar-A-Lago, but that would still leave a lot of them needing jobs.

I know the mayhem I've caused. But it was a wild ride, no? And Pence will look like a hero just for not getting everyone killed. You're welcome Mike.

I also miss Melania. She never cared for D.C. very much, and I can't blame her. I want to be back at Trump Tower, tweeting without all these people telling me not to, and not causing havoc when I say what's on my mind. Which, as you know, is subject to change even within the same sentence.

Frankly, the longer I'm here the more I recognize two things. First, who needs the aggravation? And number two, Obama handled this much better than I can. He's smart, he's calm, he's well spoken. For a guy born in Kenya, you can't do better.

So that's it. United the people. Put America first. Got Alec Baldwin a steady gig. It's time to go back to private life. Johnny, fuel Trump One for take off. Moscow, then Manhattan.

It's been tremendous people, but we're done here. God bless me, and God bless the United States of America.

Although they won't need it nearly as much now that I'm gone.

Yours truly,
President the Donald

God: On the record

Here at Rotation and Balance, we were lucky enough to catch God while he was in town taking meetings with studio executives about a remake of the story of his life - The Greatest Story Ever Told.

We sat down with lattes, a good attitude and more than a few questions.

RNB: First of all, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us.

GOD: I'm pretty good at multi-tasking. And it's my pleasure.

RNB: So do you visit Earth often?

GOD: I'm actually here more than people think, but not in my true form. That'd be a lot for people to handle, bright heavenly light and all. So I wear a disguise when I'm walking around in my earthly form - kind of like Hugh Jackman when he's on the exhibit floor at Comic Con.

RNB: Hugh Jackman walked the floor at Comic Con dressed as Wolverine.

GOD: Brilliant wasn't it? I really got a kick out of that.

RNB: When you look around at the world, what are the first thoughts that come to mind?

GOD: What the heck have you done with the place? Really, I hardly recognize it. I mean, I gave you the knowledge to build factories, cities and cars - that Audi R8 is pretty sweet, right? - but I thought you might take care of the place a little better. I think I may have been a little too generous with that "free will" experiment.

RNB: You couldn't have put that much work into it. I mean it only took you seven days.

GOD: True, but my days aren't the same as your days. They're a lot longer. That reminds me of a joke...

RNB: Go ahead, let's hear it.

GOD: This kid is in church praying to me, and he says, 'God, what's a million dollars like to you?' And I say, 'It's like a penny to you.' Then he says, 'Well, what's a million years like to you?' And I say, 'It's like a second.' So the kid thinks a minute, then says to me, 'God, can I have a penny?' And I say, 'Sure. Just a second.'

RNB: Good one.

GOD: Gets me every time.

RNB: Getting back on track, I'm sure you know about the recent controversies concerning religion and gay marriage.

GOD: All knowing, hello?

RNB: So what do you think about gay marriage?

GOD: You know, it's a good question. Let's start here - you're all my children. I created you all in my image.

RNB: You're not saying...

GOD: What I'm saying is I'm a part of everyone on Earth. My spirit is in all of you. And because you're all my children, like any parent I love you all and want you to be happy. The world's too short on love, why would I want to take it away from anyone?

RNB: A lot of people say you wouldn't approve, and use your name to justify their position.

GOD: I'm more about acceptance than judgement. I sleep better at night that way.

RNB: You actually sleep?

GOD: Well, no. But you get where I'm going.

RNB: Do you resent fringe groups and haters using your name to justify their actions?

GOD: Brother, if I had a dollar for every time someone took my name in vain or used it as an excuse to hurt people, I could afford that new throne I've had my eye on.

RNB: Why do so many people get that wrong?

GOD: I only knows. See what I did there?

RNB: What about the situation in the Middle East?

GOD: I'm not going to lie to you, it's pretty bad. It's like that mess in the corner of your room you keep saying you're going to clean up, and you never do. It's just too overwhelming.

RNB: All due respect, but why don't you just wave your hand and solve the problem?

GOD: All due respect, because then you wouldn't learn the lessons you need to learn.

RNB: And what are those?

GOD: That's for me to know and you to find out. You have to understand, I'm looking at the big picture. Things happen for what looks like no reason. But there always is one. I'm a very careful planner, and I'm not reckless. A lot of what happens, especially the unpleasant things, are designed to make you stronger of character, more compassionate and more vigilant.

RNB: But some truly horrible things have happened.

GOD: Agreed. The sad truth is I'm not the only one at work here. I have some pretty powerful enemies, well, enemy. He can't win, but he makes things tougher for me.

RNB: Is there life after death?

GOD: Is there ever. And the good news is, and I really shouldn't tell you this, but everyone gets past the gates.

RNB: Everyone?

GOD: Yep. Doesn't matter if you believe in me or not, doesn't matter what you've done. I'm big on forgiveness.

RNB: Every heard the phrase "Rock N' Roll Heaven?"

GOD: I dare you to find a better band than the one we've got. Every seat is a good one, AND there are no Ticketmaster fees - if that isn't heaven, I don't know what is.

RNB: There's a lot more to talk about, but I know you have to run. Thanks for spending a little time with us.

GOD: Thank you for having me. And just so you know, even when you see me leave, I'm not really gone.

RNB: How do I know that's true?

GOD: See that guy over there who looks like Hugh Jackman?

The Grandstands of Heaven

Every once in awhile, it occurs to me how many people I’ve lost along the way. Can you tell this isn’t going to be one of my more humorous posts?

I suppose it’s no more or less than anyone else. But on those days and nights when I let my thoughts roll around to them, it occurs to me how much I miss my dearly departed friends and family. I was trying to figure out the reason I don’t dwell on it more often than I do, and I think it’s because I still feel surrounded by them. Not in the ooo-eee-ooo kind of way, but in the “they’re never really gone, love never dies, they’re watching over me” kind of way.

I heard a great phrase the other day: the grandstands of heaven. That’s where I believe they’re all sitting, looking down and cheering me on. Of course, since they were my friends and family and probably did some traveling with me while they were here, I'm sure they're sitting in the clubhouse and not the general bleachers.

No flight too short for first class.

Right about now I’m sure some of my atheist friends are having a good laugh at this. It’ll give them something to make fun of and mock, because sometimes being content not believing in God or Heaven just isn't enough. Have at it. I love you anyway, and believe I’ll see you on the other side - even if you don’t.

Anyway, to Jim, George, Babs, Peter, Uncle Jimmy, Pete, Gommie, Jacques, Mark, Paul, Uncle Lou, Mom, Dad and the rest, since I can’t send you a thank you note (postage is outrageous) I want you to know I appreciate your continued support and love, and look forward to seeing you guys again. Not soon, but again. Save me a seat.

By the way, I heard you can eat as much of whatever you want up there and not gain weight. If that’s true, I’d appreciate one of you sending me a sign.

Maybe something like this.

What's the downside?

It's always interesting to me - and not in a judgmental way - the importance atheists place on letting you know that they're atheists, and the extent they go to to prove something they don't believe in doesn't exist.

I'm sure the same enthusiasm is evident on both sides of the argument.

But my experience has been that, say, in the course of a week, I have more people telling me why I shouldn't believe than why I should. Sometimes it feels like they're protesting too much.

I happen to believe in God, but I don't run around trying to convince anyone they have to believe with me. More importantly, I'm not bothered in the least by people who don't share my feelings. I don't think less of them, I don't mock them (unless I can find the appropriate cartoon somewhere), and I go by the rule "to each their own" when it comes to faith. Or lack thereof.

My pal at Round Seventeen put up a post about why he doesn't believe there's a God. Well thought out, well reasoned and, as always, well written. If you've followed this blog for any amount of time - and if you have, really, it's time to take up a more productive hobby - you know this isn't the first time we've disagreed on the view from the other side.

One man's ceiling is another man's there's no proof a ceiling exists.

One of his points is that there isn't any physical or visible corroboration of the existence of God. I see it everywhere - trees, clouds, water, the fact we're close enough to the sun to tan but not to fry, my son's heartbeat at six weeks on the ultrasound.

I think prayers get answered in small ways every day. For example, my friend came through with awesome tickets to Springsteen tonight. Definitely an answered prayer from where I'm sitting (see what I did there?).

I also believe in the big bang theory (the real theory, not the sitcom). I believe light and matter collided to create the universe. But they didn't just get there by themselves. I also believe evolution and faith aren't mutually exclusive.

I know what you're thinking: the big bang is where everything including time began, and that I just can't wrap my head around the concept of nothingness. Please, I work in ad agencies. You have no idea how wrong you are.

Round Seventeen asks if termites go to heaven - after all, they're God's creatures too. My guess is they go to termite heaven, where everything's made of plywood and the word "tent" is forbidden. Thankfully termite heaven is nowhere near my heaven.

I'm not sure what the downside to having faith is. And I'm not sure why so many people are so upset about it.

The truth is that if there is no heaven, then the atheists get the last laugh. Although no one will hear it because they're dead.

And if, as I believe, there is a heaven, then it'll be a nice surprise for them and I'm sure they'll be welcomed with open arms.

Especially if they worked for Orkin.

I've got an astral plane to catch

My friend Rich over at Round Seventeen put up a post yesterday about an accident he was involved in years ago on the way to his mom's funeral. By his own description, it was one that should've reunited him with his mother but fortunately didn't.

Because of when it happened, and the outcome being exactly the opposite of what logic and reason would tell you it should've been, I'm of the belief it was his mom who decided to intervene and make sure Rich and his family were at her funeral. Apparently I'm not the only one who's told him this.

However, Rich doesn't agree.

When it comes to beliefs in God, angels and the supernatural, by his own admission he's simply not on board the faith train. Which is fine. All it means is that at the end of the day - and I do mean the end of the day - he'll just be packing lighter.

Hey, it's a free country and I'm not out to change anyone's mind. But one of my personal beliefs is every once in awhile there are signs of and from a world beyond that simply can't be ignored. Or explained any other way.

So I'll see your departed mom story, and raise you a departed dad story of my own.

My dad died six years after my mom. When he died, he'd been seeing a woman named Esther who rode with us to his funeral.

When we got there, my (now) wife and I wanted to be alone with my dad for a few minutes. So we went inside, and had the casket opened so we could look at him. I turned to my wife and said, "This is weird, but I feel like I want to put some money in his pocket." To which my wife said, "Go ahead."

I took out my wallet, and inside were a few different bills. I took out a few, then put them back and took out a $20 bill and put it in his pocket. After I did, I felt an immediate sense of relief. We had the casket closed, and proceeded with the service.

When it was over, we were driving Esther home. She was sitting in the back seat so I could see her in the rear view mirror. She was just casually talking about my dad, saying how sweet he was, how she'd loved traveling with him, things like that.

Then she said, "And did you know your father never went anywhere without a $20 bill in his pocket?"

Needless to say that got our attention.

I told her I didn't know that, and asked her why. She said, "Because your father was from Brooklyn, and he always thought that if he got mugged and didn't have any money on him they'd beat him up even worse. So he always carried a $20 bill in his pocket."

We were speechless.

After thinking long and hard if I'd ever heard him say that - which I never did - I finally told Esther what I'd done and told her I was pretty sure he didn't have to worry about it where he was going.

Sometimes it's easy to see the signs, sometimes it isn't. But I believe with all my heart that was a goodbye from my dad that I simply couldn't ignore. I suppose it'd be easy to chalk it up to coincidence, or say that I did hear him say it at some point and just don't remember.

But I know that wasn't it. I know, my wife knows and Esther knows what it was.

Woody Allen once said one of the things he feared most about dying is that when he got to heaven they wouldn't be able to break a twenty.

I've known for a long time that's not a worry my dad had.