86 the 1099

It's the very definition of buzzkill. You work a certain number of days for an agreed rate, and you expect to see that amount on the check. Then payday rolls around, and you're as giggly as a 13-year old on her way to a One Direction concert. But when you open the envelope, thanks to Uncle Sam, the check is about a third lighter than you expected.

That giant sucking sound? It's all the things you were going to do with the money disappearing.

Here's how it used to work.

You'd go into an agency, do the work, then send them an invoice. Maybe they'd ask you to sign a NDA. Maybe. Then, you'd get a check for what you invoiced. Every cent. The rate you'd agreed on. The amount you expected.

It was called 1099 income. And it was a beautiful thing. But that was then and this is now.

Apparently those boys at the IRS have no sense of humor when it comes to not getting their payroll taxes from the working masses. Which is what was happening with freelancers in agencies.

So now, agencies are only allowed to hire someone freelance for a very short period of time before they're required by law to put them on staff as a temporary employee. But most of them go straight to temp employee status.

The way it works now is you go into an agency, fill out a stack of employee forms as thick as the Yellow Pages, that range anywhere from the Confidentiality Agreement to the Sexual Harassment Policy (SPOILER ALERT: Don't do it). You also sign a W-4 form which, unlike the 1099, means taxes are taken out for you and you get a W-2 form at the end of the year with the breakdown.

It also means you don't get the freelancer's second best friend next to free food: deductions.

In a nutshell, W-2 money is good and bad. Good because you don't have to remember to pay those pesky quarterly taxes like you do on the gross 1099 income, and the agency pays half the employee tax. Bad because you don't get all the samolians.

I've always been good with money - go figure. So I prefer 1099 income. I'd rather juggle my money accordingly and pay my own taxes. I also have this little pet peeve about the government reaching into my pocket, or paycheck, and taking money out.

Among all the papers you sign for W-2 income is an agreement that even though you're considered a temporary employee, you're not entitled to any benefits.

Including getting the full amount you're owed on your check.

Not ready for my close-up

Agencies have a lot of camera equipment laying around. And while today, that could just mean a few iPhone 5's, I'm talking about the real thing. Actual HD cameras, with mics, lights and people who know how to use them.

Many agencies even have full blown production departments they position to potential clients as responsive and money-saving, when actually what they are is a profit center for the agency.

"Sure we can produce 10 spots for a million dollars!"

What they don't mention is that the hard costs to them are only $20K a spot. What the hell, everyone's entitled to make money. And if that money goes into the freelance budget, even better.

Perhaps I've said too much already.

Anyway, sometimes that equipment is drafted into service for a new business pitch, a party video or a clip about the agency for their site.

I've always tried to avoid appearing in these videos. They never seem to be as funny or clever as they are on paper (Yes, just like my copy - so predictable). And while everyone is yelling at you to look happy while it's being shot, I've noticed the overwhelming feeling after participating is regret for having done it.

Still, there never seems to be a shortage of volunteers. I call it the Kardashian effect: the 15 minutes of fame theory reduced to 2 minutes while it gets shown in a staff meeting.

The powers that be where I'm working right now asked me to appear in a New Hire video today (I'm using "asked" as a euphemism). The idea was a group of people - a representative from every department - around a conference room table having a fake brainstorming session. I guess it was going to be shown in the HR waiting room. I made them swear a blood-oath and put in writing that it would never make its way to YouTube, social media or the company website.

They assured me it wouldn't.

The upshot of it all was that shortly before they were to begin shooting, they said I couldn't do it because I was only a temp employee. They were going to use a staffer instead. Personally, I think I was being such a pain in the ass they just uninvited me to the dance. It wouldn't be the first time.

Fine with me.

Besides, until they invent a camera that subtracts ten pounds, I don't think I'll be appearing in agency videos any time soon.