Showing posts with label election. Show all posts
Showing posts with label election. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Déja vote

Well here we go again. The creeping anxiety in the pit of the stomach. The uncertainty that the inmates might wind up running the asylum (again). The wondering if justice and right will prevail.

Oh, and just for good measure, nothing less than the fate of the nation and democracy hang in the balance as Georgia voters make their way to the polls. It seems every election for the last four years has been the most important election of our lifetimes. But this time it actually is.

This is the harsh, traitorous reality if the democrats lose:

—Moscow Mitch has already vowed not to pass any Democratic legislation even if he thinks it’s a good bill. As it stands, there are over 400 pieces of legislation from the House sitting on his desk that he won’t allow a vote on.

—Over 140 simpering, ass-kissing, boot-licking, brown-nosing, tweet-fearing Republican representatives and senators are protesting the electoral college votes as a show of support and supplication to the outgoing Traitor-In-Chief, even though they don’t have the power to actually change the result. Thank God.

—Facts and truth will continue to be disputed as if there were two sides, and eventually wind up dead as disco.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that everything this nation was founded on, that sons and daughters fought and died for, will be undone should this election go the wrong way. When I started writing this post, the democratic candidates were ahead, but now their lead has been thinned significantly. It’s going to go back and forth all night like this.

So one more time, let’s break out the popcorn, make our nervous jokes, yell at John King and Wolf Blitzer (it always feels good to yell at the messenger) and cross our fingers hoping it all works out.

Tonight, instead of a snappy line to wrap this up, I’ll borrow the end line from Jessie Jackson’s speech at the 2000 Democratic Convention. Which, no doubt, is going to be the mantra of the evening.

”Keep hope alive!”

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Brother Trump's traveling salvation show

"So you say you want pre-existing coverage? You think women should be the ones to make decisions about their own bodies? Does healthcare for all sound like a scary, socialist plan? Are those criminal, diseased, ruthless immigrants gunning for your job and your family? And speaking of gunning, are you afraid you're not gonna be able to keep yours?"

Well step right up my gullible, naive, uneducated, frightened Republican brothers and sisters. Brother Trump's traveling salvation show has rolled into the capital to deliver the sweet, magical elixir and oppressive, progress-reversing legislation that's will cure what ails you.

If you saw the shithole president's speech tonight, you know he reached new heights (lows?) of deception and dishonesty, throwing falsehoods and lies to his base like they were paper towels in Puerto Rico.

Everything he said he would do is a lie. Everything he said he has done is a lie. Everytime he said he cared he lied. But of course, his base ate it up—after all, the whole show was for them. Never before (and hopefully never again) has the SOTU speech been turned into a reality show like it was tonight.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for cancer-ridden Rush Limbaugh. You're getting this Presidential Medal of Freedom not for being the racist, misogynist, Parkinson-victim mocking tub of human waste you are, but as a sympathy play because you'll be taking the big dirtnap soon."

Cue Republican toadie senator applause.

"You say you want to see black voter support? Step right up and let me give a 14-year old black child a school scholarship (I'm glad she got it - that's not the point). Need more proof do ya? Let me direct your attention to the 100-year old Tuskeegee airman who just this very day I promoted to brigadier general (I'm glad he got it - that's not the point). But I'm just getting started."

"Sure I've disrespected veterans, trashed gold star families and mocked generals, but that's all yesterday's news. Just to show I mean it, let me surprise this wife and child with their husband and father who they think is on a tour of duty, but he's right here! How about that?!"

All that was missing were keys to new Pontiacs under all the seats.

The con was on full display tonight. Nancy Pelosi, usually calm and composed without showing her cards was clearly pissed at the sheer volume of lies coming out of the unstable genius. So much so she ripped up her advanced copy of his speech the moment it was over. Definitely one of the high points of the evening.

It's been a dark three years, and it's going to be an even darker few months til the election. But the good news is come November, this traveling snake oil show will be doing what they all do eventually. Leave town.

Monday, November 5, 2018

The waiting is the hardest part

As the late, great Tom Petty said—God bless his rock and rollin’ heart, the waiting is the hardest part.

Tomorrow is the midterm election, and frankly I’m grateful on several fronts. First and foremost, I never thought we’d make it. I figured the shithole president would’ve had a hissy fit about ratings or someone looking at him the wrong way and hit the button by now.

Second, it’s our chance to at least partially take back our government and democracy from the self-admitted (white) nationalist president and sycophant Republicans in congress: I'm looking at you, well, all of you.

And by take back, I mean at least have checks and balances on the Liar-In-Chief. Can you say “override veto?”

But just like the general election a couple years ago, this one is going to go well into the night. With pivotal races a percentage point or two apart, they’ll be tallying their little hearts out. And every time a democrat wins, besides an angel getting their wings, I can already hear republican opponents screaming voter fraud and demanding a recount.

So lets all get out and vote, and then get lots of rest because we’re going to need it.

Not just tomorrow night, but for the next two years.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Down the Hatch

Orrin "Hey you kids get off my lawn!" Hatch, Utah senator for the last 1500 years, handed in his resignation from the senate today. Well, he didn't so much hand it in as cash out. As one of the liar-in-chief's main sycophants, and a major advocate, proponent and beneficiary of the recently passed billionaire tax break, Hatch stands to increase his already formidable wealth in a big way.

So as the superhero, which he is most definitely not, always says, "My job here is done."

Not a minute too soon.

The good news is with Hatch leaving the senate, the road is cleared for Mitt Romney to replace him. Now, in the past I've been somewhat harsh on old Mitt. But in light of the last election, and the dipshit currently destroying our country, democracy and every good, decent, compassionate social program and progress of the last fifty years, I'm reconsidering him in a whole new light.

And frankly, he may be more man than I initially thought (look closely—see what I did there?)

Utah isn't going to elect a democrat. It's just not going to happen. But Romney may be the next best thing, having said this about Trump:

"Here's what I know: Donald Trump is a phony, a fraud. His promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. He's playing members of the American public for suckers: He gets a free ride to the White House, and all we get is a lousy hat."

But wait, there's more.

"Dishonesty is Donald Trump's hallmark."

Spoken like, well, like anyone who's listened to the fake president talk for more than a minute.

I applaud Romney's take down, assessment and honest opinion of Trump. And short of a democrat getting elected (although Doug Jones in Alabama shows miracles can happen), I support Romney and hope he has the cajones to stand his ground once he's in the senate.

What makes me optimistic, a word I haven't used since January 20, 2017, is that Romney is already a billionaire. He can't be bought. And he's a strict Mormon. So I'm guessing there's not much chance he can be blackmailed (for reference see Lindsey Graham).

Although not fast enough, the midterms will eventually get here. Hopefully with them comes the sinking of this ship of fools controlling the government.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Goodbye Orrin Hatch.

And good riddance.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Christmas, November 2018

I know it's Christmas Eve day right now. But for me, the truth of the matter is no present I get tomorrow morning is going to be better than the one I'm expecting next November. And by the way, it's not just a present for me—it's for the world.

My hope is that the November midterm elections will restore control of the house and senate to the Democrats. Then, from net neutrality to tax cuts for billionaires to eliminating environmental controls to reducing liability for banks to the war on women, gays, minorities, immigrants, Muslims and many, many more, they can start systematically reversing every single awful, destructive, uninformed, self-serving, racist, oppressive, shitty decision the current liar-in-chief and Russian operative has made.

And they can do it the same systematic way he's tried to undo every good thing his predecessor (are you sure he can't run for a third term?) did.

While Republican dipshits who voted for a tax code that lines their pockets at the expense of the middle class will have long cashed out by then, despite what you've heard about those cuts being permanent they're not. It's only legislation, and fortunately, with the right people in office it can all be reversed with the stroke of a pen.

So, a merry Christmas to all today and tomorrow. But my hope is the real present is coming next November, which should also make it a happy new year for all.

Until then, please accept this as my little (emphasis on "little") gift to you. It's sung to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. Please to enjoy.

You better watch out

You better not cry

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Democrats are coming to town


They're making a list

And checking it twice

They already know who's naughty and nice

Democrats are coming to town


They'll start impeachment proceedings

Like all polls say they should

They'll re-write executive orders

So they'll actually do some good


You better watch out

You better not cry

Better not pout

We're not gonna die

Democrats are coming to town


School lunch programs will be funded

Infrastructure will improve

Obamacare will save thousands of lives

Even though Republicans disapprove


They'll be draining the swamp

For real this time

Immigrants won't have any

Stupid walls to climb

Democrats are coming to town

Democrats are coming to town

Democrats are coming to town

Friday, January 13, 2017

Enjoy the ride


If you only had seven days to live, what would you be doing right now? No really, I'm asking.

We're one week away from having the most mentally, intellectually, temperamentally, morally and experientially unqualified person inaugurated as President of the United States.

As you know, besides the big plane, freeway closings, a 24/7 kitchen and great seats at the Kennedy Center (well, maybe not this time), one of the perks of the job is he's the keeper of the nuclear codes, and can launch those suckers anytime he wants at anyone he wants completely unchecked.

He doesn't need congressional approval.

Doesn't have to consult with anyone.

He doesn't even need a witness in the room when he turns the key, or presses the button, or puts his hand on the scanner, or pulls the string or whatever the fuck he does to make it happen.

What could possibly go wrong?

Put the codes together with a thin-skinned, temperamental, vengeful, eighth-grade bully like the one we somehow find ourselves with, and soon every day is going to feel like the fourth of July. Or at least the last one will.

Just want to remind everyone, especially the people who voted for him, that your candidate is someone who's asked several times why, if we have nuclear weapons, can't we use them. It was explained to him each time he asked, but he still kept asking.

I'm not a scientist, but I know for a fact all the people who put on their "I'm with stupid" t-shirts, shitkicker shoes and hopped in their pickups to drive to the polling place and vote for him will vaporize just as quickly as the rest of us.

Maybe faster if you take the moonshine into consideration.

But don't let any of that worry you. In fact, let me give you the same advice about the incoming administration I'd give you about the Matterhorn at Disneyland.

Enjoy the ride. It won't last long.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Have the best 19 days ever!

Happy New Year! I think this one is going to be spectacularly great. I mean that. After all, it can't be any worse than 2016, amirite? Truth be told, I think 2017 will be the best year any of us can remember. All nineteen days of it.

I know, I can hear you saying, "But Jeff, aren't there 365 days in a year?" Well sure, in a normal year. But 2017 isn't going to be a normal year. For starters, our dipshit elect is going to be sworn in on January 20th. Which coincidentally, I believe, is the day the world as we know it will end.

We already know, and he confirms it on a daily basis, that he will be the most mentally, emotionally and morally unqualified person ever to hold the office of President of the United States. If anything good is going to happen before he gets us into a nuclear war with China, sinks the stock market, destroys the environment and makes the air unbreathable, it's going to happen in the first nineteen days of the year.

So my recommendation is live it up. Go to Vegas, fly to Paris, pour gas on the credit cards, kiss whoever's there at the moment, drive fast (I mean even faster), eat badly (I mean even worse) and get ready to go out with a big, fat, toothless, trailer-trash smile on your face.

And if for some odd, unexpected reason—a speedy impeachment (please, please, please) or an act of God (this is the prayer to answer)—he's removed from office quickly and we all manage to continue on with our lives, don't even give a second thought to the many acts of complete abandon, ribaldry and debasement you just committed.

Decency, truth or consequences for your actions won't be coming back for at least another fifty years.