Seen it befaurous

SPOILER ALERT: If you're planning on seeing Jurassic World: Rebirth you may not want to read ahead. Or you just might and then thank me later.

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

There’s an island. There are dinosaurs. Genetically engineered, of course — because nature, chaos, and the lessons of literally every previous movie in the franchise weren’t enough of a warning. Humans show up. They interact with the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs, shockingly, are not into it. Chaos ensues. People run, people scream, people get eaten.The people run back to their boat or plane or helicopter to get off the island.

Sound familiar? It should. It's the plot of every single Jurassic movie since 1993.

They shouldn't have called it Jurassic World: Rebirth. They should've called it Jurassic World: Again.

The main difference I can see is that this latest one stars Scarlett Johansson — who still won't return my calls — and also stars unbelievably great looking dinosaurs. This is because CGI technology has evolved quite a bit in the 32 years since the original Jurassic Park movie.

Is it entertaining? Not really. But there are worse ways to spend a couple hours.

I did quite like Rupert Friend, who seriously deserves to work more. He played Peter Quinn in Homeland and was one of the best characters ever. He's a bad guy in this, and he eventually gets his. Not saying how, because that would take the bite out of the story (SWIDT).

The good news is the theater was air conditioned and the popcorn was fresh, so there's that. But in the end, the real horror isn’t the dinosaurs. It’s the realization that after 65 million years, fresh ideas are what’s actually gone extinct.

And now, please to enjoy the trailer they should've used:

VO: In a world where scientists still haven’t learned their lesson…

billionaires still think nature is a toy…

comes the sixth cinematic reminder that playing God never ends well.

DRAMATIC INCEPTION-STYLE BWAAAAAM]

VO: They said it couldn't happen again. They said it shouldn't happen again. So of course...

it happened again.

CUT TO HELICOPTER LANDING ON LUSH ISLAND. SCREAMING. TEETH. MORE SCREAMING.

VO: Starring Scarlett Johansson, because Marvel gave her some free time…

and Rupert Friend, because someone in casting actually has taste.

CUT TO DINOSAUR ROARING DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA. A GUY IN KHAKIS FALLS OVER.

VO: Watch as humans make the same terrible choices with even shinier dinosaurs.

Experience all your favorite moments —like “Don’t go in there," “Why is it always bigger than the last one?” and the classic: “RUN!”

RAPID MONTAGE OF EXPLOSIONS, TAIL WHIPS AND SLOW-MO SCREAMING.

VO: This summer…originality is extinct. Again.

TITLE CARD CRASHES IN: JURASSIC WORLD: WHATEVER

Rated PG-13 for peril and poor decision-making.

Simon says

The list of songs that've managed the virtually impossible task of rhyming the words yacht, apricot and gavot is a very short one. In fact, there's only one.

The song is You're So Vain. And the songwriter is Carly Simon.

You'll be hearing a lot about both of them in the coming weeks, because Simon has a new memoir coming out. (Ironically, it's being published by Flatiron Books, and not Simon and Schuster, the publishing powerhouse Carly's father, Richard L. Simon, co-founded).

To be sure, Simon has led a colorful life that's included lovers from Mick Jagger to Warren Beatty. When she was married to James Taylor, they were at one point the richest entertainment power-couple with a heroin-addicted guitar-playing husband in all of Martha's Vineyard.

One thing Simon promises to address, sort of, in the book that has the entertainment press chomping at the bit (if you've seen Simon's smile you know why that last line is so funny) is one of the timeless mysteries of the music world: who exactly is You're So Vain about.

She's already said in past interviews one of the verses is about Warren Beatty. Beatty himself has said the whole song is about him. He's so vain. Which brings up a contradiction inherent in the song that's bothered me each and every time I've heard it.

The main lyric is "you're so vain, you probably think this song is about you...." Here's the thing: the song is about him. So is he so vain, or just right in what he's thinking? Discuss.

Admittedly it's not a mystery on the scale of say who shot JFK, or did we know about Pearl Harbor ahead of time. But I have to say I'm kind of curious. Maybe we'll find out, time will tell.

The one thing I know for sure is it's not about me.

As an only child, I have to say that hurts.