Emergency equipment

Parenting is much more an art form than a science. It's open to different styles, various interpretations and has different value depending on who's doing it.

But I think I'm safe in saying the one thing all parenting has in common is it's gonna cost ya.

Both of my kids have gone to out-of-state colleges, one in Texas and one in Iowa. Don't ask. Anyway the one in Texas transferred back here after his freshman year, but he still has a little gift I gave him when he first moved out.

The emergency credit card. They both have one.

It's the peace of mind card, the one that let's them take a cab home when they find themselves outside a club in the senseless murder district at midnight. The one that says use me at urgent care to stop the bleeding, or get antibiotics for the sinus infection. It's the airline ticket if they have to come home in a hurry.

Yes it's the credit card I gave them to be used in emergencies, but I now realize the other thing I should've given them is a long lecture on exactly what constitutes an emergency.

Buying posters from artists you like, new shoes, that cute sweater—you know the one, sushi because it's the best sushi place in Iowa (how many can there be?) are all examples of non-emergencies.

Yet every once in awhile, I put on my little green visor, open up the inter webs and go through the "emergency" charges my darling offspring have made. And almost every time, one or two of them will spring out at me like a Jack In The Box, or a coiled rattler.

That sound you hear is my wallet screaming.

I don't want to make it seem like they're on wild spending sprees with my money. They're not. For the most part, they let me know when they're buying something on the card, or they ask if they can.

But as any parent will tell you, it doesn't matter how old your kids get—they're always testing you and seeing how far they can push it.

And sometimes that means re-zoning the borders of Emergencytown right up against Retailville.

Reading the signals

Since phones aren't actually used much for calling people anymore, there needs to be a better way to get in touch with people when you need them. Sure, texting is fun, but sometimes you have to wait a while before the person texts you back.

What we need is the next text. I'd like to nominate the bat signal.

Every time Lt. Gordon shined that sucker in the sky - and it's a lucky thing Gotham had cloudy nighttime weather - Batman would show in minutes.

I call that proof of concept.

When you're born, besides diaper rash and a Social Security number, every baby should get their own sky symbol to be used later in life on their individualized signals.

Not only would it bring people to you when you want them, it would stimulate the economy by providing work to thousands of designers and graphic artists. Copywriters would get work out of it too, because we all know eventually advertising agencies would find a way to convince people to sell space on their signals for headlines and marketing messages.

Bat ching!

The other thing is the sky is a much bigger screen than even the iPhone 6 Plus. A summoning signal can't help but get noticed, if not by the person it's intended for, at least by someone who knows them.

Then they could send a text and tell them to look up.