Headline story

Every copywriter has one. A headline they want to use, wish they'd used or are waiting to use. Usually these headlines, often never presented or sold, do nothing more than amuse the writer to no end. But here's the deal. If you work in an agency owned by a holding company (almost all are), with knit-capped, British-accented account planners droning on about consumer insights ("they want to 'engage' with the product - is social here?"), where every third word in kick-off meetings is disruption, then sometimes a good laugh is all you can hope for.

At one of the many agencies I work at fairly frequently that has a Japanese car account and is near a mall (no, not that one- the other one), I went out to lunch with a couple of my fellow copywriters. We went to this sushi place I can never remember the name of. It's one of two sushi places we lunch at. There's gas station sushi, the restaurant in the strip mall behind the Arco station with no parking, then there's the expensive sushi place in the industrial park with lots of parking. Who needs names? The expensive sushi place is where we were when this exchange took place.

The three of us wound up in a discussion of headlines we've always wanted to use. We all tossed out ones we'd thought of, and then my copywriter friend Victoria had one that still makes me laugh just thinking about it.

"What's wrong with you?" I almost did a spit-take.

I know, onscreen it probably doesn't come off that funny, and you did have to be there because ninety-percent of it was the way she delivered it. Without missing a beat, and with that annoyed I'm-asking-you-honestly-because-I-can't-figure-out-what-the-hell-you're doing-or-saying tone of voice. Plus the fact it just struck me as a perfect line for any client or product.

I don't usually invite my readers (pauses to laugh for imagining this blog has readers) to chime in, but I'd love to know some headlines you've always wanted to use. Post them here in the comments, or on my Facebook page where you probably linked from.

Just to make it interesting, when I get a good number of lines - assuming I get any - I'll put 'em to a vote. The writer whose headline gets the most votes wins a free lunch at the expensive sushi place with the good parking.

It's not like you were going to be using them anyway. So dust 'em off and send 'em in. If you don't, it means Victoria's going to be enjoying another sushi lunch.

And I'll be sitting here waiting to ask you one question.

Shop talk

On the list of things I don’t like to do, somewhere between going to the gym, cleaning up after the dog and watching QVC, is shopping for clothes. Maybe if I was 60 lbs. thinner, could rip out a page from GQ, walk into the men’s department at Nordstrom, point at it and say, “I want that.” I’d like it a lot more.

But I’m not. I can’t. So I don’t.

Having said that, what I do love is shopping with my daughter.

She definitely doesn’t fall far from my side of the tree when it comes to sharing the same philosophy about hitting stores at the mall. Get in, get out and no one gets hurt.

We both appreciate the true fact that you can shop and shop all day long, but eventually you have to make a decision and buy something. For us, eventually comes sooner rather than later.

Neither of us has any desire to spend time in each section looking at every. single. item.. Instead we quickly find what we like, try it on, and if it fits it’s a thumbs up. If it doesn’t we move on.

Together we’re like Secret Service agents of department store shoppers – we don’t focus in on everything individually. Instead, we take in the big picture, scanning the floor looking for items that grab our interest, then we move in. We also don’t have those little wrist walkie-talkies, but I think they’d be cool.

We don’t see the point in making an entire day of looking for a shirt, a blouse or a pair of pants. There are things to do, people to see and only so many hours in a day to get it all done. Streamlining the process helps make it all possible.

There’s also another thing my daughter and I have in common when it comes to shopping.

We both like to use my credit card.

Park it

The downside of not working is I'm the one who gets to run the errands, which of course cuts into my Ellen and Judge Judy time. Thank you, I'm staying strong.

As I was running them today, they took me to an outdoor mall near my house I've been to a hundred times before. There's a Chipolte, Panda Express and Vons we shop at almost every other day (geez, do we have to feed those kids again?!).

But today, I had to run into Radio Shack (whole other post about that coming) to pick up a battery for the wife's digital kitchen scale. So I parked in a part of the lot I've never parked in, and noticed something I hadn't seen before.

There's a park in the parking lot.

Now, granted, it's not much of a park. With not much of a view. And not much of a sitting area. Still, I don't know how else you'd classify this tiny island in the middle of the lot.

Being the shakedown city this is, I can only imagine this was some sort of contractual obligation between the mall developer and the city. As one of the conditions of approving the mall plans, the developer had to provide a park for nearby residents.

You can almost feel their joy from here.

Anyway, next time I want to get out for a bit, maybe I'll pack a picnic lunch and head over there. I don't think I'll be bothered by all the auto fumes coming at me from all directions.

I'm in advertising. I'm used to working places that like to inhale their own fumes.

No parking

We can't park in their spots. Why do they get to park in ours?

First of all, I get that it's a free country. People can park where they want when they want.

But really, do motorcycles have to park in car spaces? At the mall? On a hot, busy Saturday?

I'm starting to feel a little like Charlie Brown each time Lucy yanks the football away. I come around a corner, and see what I believe to be a free spot. Instantly filled with a sense of optimism and accomplishment, I pull up to it and begin turning in, only to see a motorcycle parked there.

At that moment, I'm filled with something considerably less positive.

I always thought one of the reasons you ride a motorcycle - besides the fun of it, the mileage, the low maintenance costs and the cool factor - is so you can just park it in all the places a car can't get into. You just ride up, park it on that sliver of asphalt right next to the shop, or restaurant, or bar, or where ever, then hop off with the smugness of knowing you aren't circling the parking lot for hours looking for a spot.

To engage in car-like behavior just seems self-defeating.

It'd be like sitting in traffic on the freeway at rush hour, and crawling along at 3 mph along with the rest of us instead of zipping between cars, narrowly missing our mirrors and inspiring jealousy and hatred.

Some malls already have designated motorcycle parking spots. Maybe they all need to.

Until they do, try to take advantage of what you've got and don't park in our spaces. After all, we may be on the freeway but our doors still open.

Just sayin'.