You may already be a wiener

Seems you can’t go a day without reading or hearing about a labor shortage hitting one industry or another. Well, here’s the good news. Opportunity is knocking where you’d least expect it.

Oscar Meyer is looking for Wienermobile drivers.

You’re probably asking yourself the same question I did: Where do I sign? Before you make the jump and become an official “Hotdogger,” you should know there are some other responsibilities that go along with the position besides just riding around all day with a giant wiener.

Which, trust me, isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Anyway, here’s part of the job description on their recruitment site:

To represent Oscar Mayer as a brand ambassador through radio and television appearances, newspaper interviews, grocery retail and charity functions. To “meat” and greet people from coast to coast.

So far, so good. But if you take a closer look, there’s a little line they managed to slip in there that would have me clenching my buns:"To maintain company car". Apparently you’re expected to keep that giant wiener up and running.

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m guessing it's not covered by AAA. So let’s say your giant wiener keeps going down. Now what do you do? You're gonna have search for a tow truck to rent, and the last thing you want is to be seen pulling your big wiener across state lines. AmIrite?

It seems to me wiener maintenance like oiling and polishing it should be provided by the Oscar Meyer company. I mean really, is it that hard?

Anyway, if you’re up for the challenge, or as the site says, ”Do you cut the mustard?” , you can always send in an application and see what happens.

I don’t relish the idea of waiting for an answer, but you might handle it better.

Things I was wrong about: Butt heaters

This time, I think I've stumbled on to a series that, as my wife would be the first to point out (can I get an "Amen" from the husbands), will give me a limitless supply of material to drone on about.

Joining the already wildly popular series on this site like Don't Ask, Guilty Pleasures, Things I Love About Costco and What Took So Long is now Things I Was Wrong About.

First up, car butt heaters.

I used to laugh at people who raved about butt heaters in their car seats. After all, it's not like we live in Minnesota. It just seemed like a useless option no one needed, a waste of money and a car fire just waiting to happen.

That is, it seemed like that until I finally got a car that had them.

Suddenly, magically, I couldn't get enough of those frigid Southern California nights, you know, where the temperature plummets to around 58 degrees. With my driver's seat butt heater set on high, driving on chilly nights became a comfy, cozy ride that I wanted to go on for as long as possible. Especially since on my car, the heat also extends to the mid and lower back. Which, if you've never experienced it, is just a little bit of heaven on wheels.

As the seat warms up, so does my attitude behind the wheel. The asshats who text while they drive, the people not signaling when they turn or change lanes, drivers with the eternal turn signal or just plain slow drivers seem to bother me a little less when my butt is warm.

I'm pretty sure Einstein had a theory about that. Look it up.

So I'll just say it. I was wrong about butt heaters. It's one of those things, like remote controls and GPS navigation systems (by the way, watch for those items in future installments), I didn't know I couldn't live without.

Until I didn't have to.

Take a beat

As yet another unintended consequence of technology taking over our lives, there's now a new experience for every driver on the road to look forward to.

The beat.

That moment, seemingly frozen in time, when the asshat in front of you is so deeply involved in their texting that they don't realize the light's turned green.

Whenever it happens - and it happens on a daily basis - the ball's in your court. Do you sit on the horn the second the light changes? What's the new etiquette? How long should you wait before letting them know you'd like to get where you're going before Social Security kicks in?

I think the right answer is only as long as it takes to realize what they're doing. On the horn-honking equivalency chart, texting equals fifty putting-your-make up ons, twenty-five changing the radio stations, fifteen eating in the cars and thirty-seven reading somethings.

Texting is by far the most egregious offense. So honk away Merrill (Signs movie reference. Now you know).

This isn't the first time I've posted about texting and driving. That was here. And it probably won't be the last. But it never ceases to amaze me how oblivious drivers can be. In the military, awareness of the environment around you is called situational awareness. When someone's texting at a red light, it isn't called anything because it doesn't exist.

Of course, just as icing on the texting cake, once they realize the light is green thanks to your horn rightfully blaring at them, they usually give you a hearty and friendly wave as their way of saying "thanks conscientious driver behind me for bringing to my attention the fact I was being selfish and rude by texting and thereby being inconsiderate of every other driver's time, also possibly endangering them by my lack of attention to the road. I'll try to do better."

Nah, I'm just funnin' ya. They usually return the favor with a one-finger salute, or by speeding away as if it'll reverse the time space continuum and make up for the extra time you had to sit at the light.

Which is ridiculous, because only Superman can reverse time by flying counter clockwise around the Earth. True fact. Look it up.

If you feel you have to text while behind the wheel, just don't.

Remember, beat is just three letters away from beating.