Check please

There’s a trend happening at restaurants, and not just the trendy ones (SWIDT?). And I’m just going to say it at the top: I’m against it.

The table-side credit card swiper. While it seems like a convenient innovation, these little devices come with a not-so-tiny downside: the complete annihilation of your tipping privacy.

Picture this: you’re enjoying a nice dinner out. The food? Fantastic. The service? Good, but not quite stellar. Your water glass went unfilled for an uncomfortably long time. Your steak arrived a shade past medium-rare. But nothing outrageous. It’s the kind of performance that warrants a decent, yet not overly generous tip.

Enter the table-side swiper. Your server approaches with a smile that’s just a bit too eager, holding the device. Suddenly, you’re confronted with the digital tipping screen, complete with conveniently pre-selected options: 15%, 20%, 25%. The "Custom Tip" option dares you to choose it while your server watches.

In the old days before the table side swiper, you had time to discuss the tip, the service, the server’s attitude. But the swiper is a conversation killer.

With “Under Pressure” as the soundtrack playing in your head, eventually, inevitably, you wind up tipping more than you planned because the swiper robbed you of your ability to reflect, discuss and tip in peace.

The irony is they were probably intended to make the dining experience more seamless, less stressful. In reality, they’ve introduced a new level of awkwardness to your meal.

I don’t imagine servers are thrilled about this either. They know when a table’s vibe is off. But with swiper in hand, there’s not much they can do to change that in the moment. Smile too hard, and it’s desperate. Smile too little, and they risk looking like they’re mad about the tip before you’ve even entered it.

Also, those swipers are often tracking the server’s tip averages. Some restaurants use them to keep tabs on who’s getting the big bucks and who’s scraping by. So now, it isn’t just about your tip—it’s about their performance metrics. And those earning lower tips might not be performing as well in the eyes of management.

Here’s my solution: let the servers drop the swiper and walk away. Give everyone a moment to breathe, reflect, and tip like a decent human without feeling like they’re being judged. Or worse, tracked.

And by the way, can you warm up this coffee? Thanks.

Streaming service

Trust me, this isn’t one you’ll want to watch.

If you take a quick cruise through any tech store or online site, there are a plethora of consumer-ready technologies designed to make life more convenient and productive. And all of it is produced with the best intentions. But like me trying to do home repairs, some things are best left to the professionals.

Case in point is this little device that would never have been invented had there not been an anxious world and grateful nation clamoring for it. The U-Scan. It's a miniaturized health lab that attaches to your toilet bowl and collects urine for home urine screening.

So how do you know if urine need of it?

Well if you’d prefer to be spared the indignity of peeing in a cup at your doctor’s office—something I personally always enjoy for both target practice and hand-eye coordination—you’ll probably be one of the first in line for this smart device. Of course as I write this I have to ask myself how smart it can really be sitting in a toilet all day.

But then I freelanced at Jordan McGrath so who am I to judge.

The U-Scan can run a variety of different test results and analysis for things like specific gravity (as opposed to unspecified gravity), PH, vitamin C and keytone levels. It also provides ideal hydration levels and protein-vegetable balance.

Although I imagine if you’ve had asparagus lately the results are going to be wildly skewed.

The point is I like showing off things I can do remotely with my smartphone like turning on the lights, setting my alarm system, starting my car, switching on the DVR remotely. But do I really need it to show me how my pee is doing on any given day? No. No I do not.

Anyway if you have an inkling, or in this case a tinkling, that this is going to be something you just have to have, urine luck. The U-Scan will be on sale in the US soon pending FDA approval.

And don't worry if some people feel they have to judge and shame you for it.

You can always just tell them to piss off.

Torture device in disguise

The bane of agency existence is meeting after meeting after meeting. They always drag on forever.

Fortunately the agency I'm working at now has found a unique solution to the problem.

Torture chairs.

I always used to make fun of the black, cushy, faux-leather, Mad Men looking chairs around agency conference tables. That was until I planted myself in one of these hard, cold, badly designed little torture devices.

Cushy faux leather chairs, I take it all back.

These are bar none the world's most uncomfortable chairs. It's like some junior high kid taking metal shop saw an empty tin can and thought, "You know what, I could make a chair out of this."

Every time I have to sit in one for a meeting, all I think about is how much money the government could save on water, plywood and Guns 'N Roses cd's at Gitmo if they just shipped a few of these bad boys down there.

One good thing can be said for them: once a meeting starts, there's none of the usual chit-chat or preamble. Everyone gets right down to business. No one wants to be sitting in them a second longer than they have to.

It is entertaining to watch everyone constantly shifting position to try and get - not comfortable, because that's the impossible dream - but to a place that won't require a chiropractor or orthopedic surgery afterwards.

In spite of the chairs, almost every one who calls a meeting here thinks it's been a successful and productive one.

Maybe that's because they're all standing room only.