FAQ this

It's become as much of an accepted acronym as LOL, OMG, WTF, SMH, IMHO, SWIDT (my personal favorite) and TBT. I'm speaking of FAQ.

It stands for Frequently Asked Questions, and you'll find a link to it on virtually every company website you visit. There you'll find the same questions every other person in your situation asks over and over, along with many no one asks. It's supposed to be a convenient way to get answers when you need them.

The operative word is supposed.

From personal experience, I think a more appropriate name for these sections would be FUQ - Frequently Unanswered Questions. More times than not, they don't even come close to addressing the issue at hand.

In those instances, I'm made to go to the contact section, where I then have to spend time tracking down a phone number to reach a voicemail thread to find an extension to leave a message for the assistant of the person who might be able to answer my question. Right after they route my call through the customer service rep in Kuala Lumpur.

Or I could just let it go. But if you know anything about me, and really, if you've been following this blog for any amount of time you should know everything about me, you know letting things go just isn't in my wheelhouse.

Usually what winds up happening is I don't get an adequate answer—meaning the one I'm looking for—and then I sit my ever expanding derriere down at the laptop and fire off a Jeff Letter to the CEO of whatever company I'm having the dispute with.

To help you get your questions answered, and because I'm a giver, here's my FAQ section regarding Jeff Letters.

Should I send my letter email?

I don't usually send an email. When I have an issue I want the top dog to take seriously, in my experience a letter on my personal stationary, sent snail mail, with a Harry Potter postage stamp seems to have more heft and impact. Emails are easily ignored. CEOs like clean desktops, they don't want hard copy letters lying around. If you're out of Harry Potter stamps, use the Star Trek ones.

How do I know they'll give me the answer I want?

I always ask for the order. I don't leave it up to them how to resolve the situation. With full bluntness and tone that lets them know I mean business but isn't overly aggressive, I ask for what I want. That way they know what I'm expecting. Most of the time it works, and many times they'll even go above and beyond to make sure they keep your business.

What do I do after they've gotten back to me?

Once they've replied in a positive manner, and taken the action I've asked for, I make a point of sending a follow up letter thanking them. They get complaint letters all the time. Complimentary ones are a breath of fresh air for them, and will help get you remembered should you have to contact them again. Besides, in letters, as in life, manners count for a lot.

Does your personal website have an FAQ section?

As a matter of fact it doesn't. I use this blog to answer most of the questions I get.

What if I can't be bothered to follow your blog?

You don't really want to hear my answer to that.

Don't ask: Writing a letter for you

It's been awhile since I've added to my wildly popular Don't Ask series of posts. If you read this blog with any regularity - and if you do you really should try to get out to a bookstore or a library - you know I've already covered moving, picking people up at the airport, sharing my food, loaning you money and sharing my hotel room.

Sharing seems to be something I'm not very fond of. I'm an only child. Does it show?

Anyway, I get asked by a lot of friends and family to write letters for them. Letters of recommendation, letters complaining to a company about someone or some slight they think they've been on the receiving end of, resume cover letters, as well as the resume itself.

I know why they ask. I'm a writer. I do it for a living, and I'm not bad at it. But when I'm done writing all day for my job, I don't even want to write things for myself, much less you, when I get home.

I just want to binge Breaking Bad or House of Cards again.

I do appreciate the compliment of you asking. That you think my words would get better results than yours, or would communicate what you want to say more clearly. Which no doubt they would - I mentioned I was good at this, right?

Anyway, there's no secret to getting results. Address your grievance to the CEO, not to the underlings. Use spellcheck. And say what you need to say without trying to be fancy or funny. Simple advice, no?

You might want to write it down.

Just don't ask me to do it for you.

Quittin' time

Since I started in the business, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people trying to get out. More than ever, people are dreaming of a way - screenplay, starting a business, moving away and the ever popular winning lotto. They all have one of two never-truer-than-now rallying cries: “The business isn’t what it used to be.” or “It’s not fun anymore.”

Despite the fact both are true, fewer people actually leave than would like to.

The reason’s simple: it’s the pure joy of creating work. The collaboration working with a partner who sees the execution of an idea exactly the way you do. The unparalleled fun of shepherding an idea through the agency. The unadulterated joy of doing work that can at times be both artistic and effective, and at the end of the day is always appreciated by clients, account people and the public alike.

Nah, I’m just messing with you. It’s the money.

I was talking with an art director friend of mine at lunch today about our day rates, and the fact the work we do isn’t exactly breaking rocks. Then we talked about people who do real jobs, like police, firemen, nurses, teachers, military personnel. It’s awfully unfair we get paid what we do, and they get paid so little for doing real work that actually impacts lives on a daily basis.

Yet it is what it is. Supply and demand. Free market. Yada yada yada.

Of course, inequity in job salaries is nothing new. On Facebook, people love showing their righteous indignation by asking why CEO’s of a corporation should make more than people on its assembly line. Here’s the answer: it takes a different set of skills to run a company than it does to work on the line. It’s not hard to figure out.

In a perfect world, it’d be great if things were more equitable. And we’ve tried through legislation to even the playing field. But good intentions can backfire. For example, raising the minimum wage. Each time the minimum wage goes up, mostly unskilled labor enjoys a hike in pay. Don’t get me wrong: I think more money is always a good thing no matter what your position. Unless you’re one of the employees laid off as a result of it

If a small business owner has to increase pay for three of his minimum wage employees, his costs go up - he has to cover them somehow. The choices are few: raise consumer prices, which always leads to fewer consumers, or let one of his three employees go so he can give the other two the minimum wage hike.

Of course now, the other two will be earning it since they’ll be doing the work of three people.

I suppose the idea of mandatory minimum wage increases is easier for people to accept than performance based ones, using criteria like merit and value to the company as guidelines. It sounds so quaint even as I type it.

But I digress. Where was I?

Oh, right, I was getting out of advertising.

Just as soon as I can afford it.