BMW drivers can breathe easy

BMW drivers, the time has come.

You can finally unclench your leather-gloved fists, exhale that long-held sigh of relief, and maybe, just maybe, start using your turn signals. Why? Because Tesla drivers have officially stolen your crown as the most insufferable, self-entitled assholes on the road.

Congratulations Tesla drivers on achieving the impossible: making BMW drivers look humble by comparison.

If you’ve been on the road lately, you’ve probably noticed Teslas zipping around, silently judging your gas-powered existence from inside their tech-on-wheels spaceships.

Their inner vibe screams, “I’m saving the planet!” Their outer vibe screams “Look at me, I’m an asshole!”

Apparently all the people leasing or that have shelled out money for their Tesla are blissfully ignorant about how famously unreliable they are. From Model 3s randomly deciding to burst into flames (bonus: free fireworks!) to battery replacements that cost more than the GDP of a small country, Teslas are basically expensive, rolling dice with a touch screen.

It would be a dereliction of duty to write about Tesla and not talk about the Cybertruck. How ugly is it? It’s so ugly, the Plymouth Aztec sent Tesla a thank-you note for taking the heat off.

Apparently Musk took one look at every basic principle of car design and said, “Nah.”.

And yet, people are actually buying this thing. Why? Because it’s the automotive equivalent of wearing a t-shirt that says, “Ask me about my bad decisions.” Nothing screams “I have too much disposable income and zero taste” quite like rolling up to a coffee shop in a truck that could be outmaneuvered by a shopping cart.

Of course let’s not forget the man behind the curtain (WICKED reference-see yesterday’s post).

When you buy a Tesla, you’re not just getting a car that might glitch and send you hurtling into a guardrail, you’re also funding Elon Musk’s endless parade of bad takes and worse ideas. Want to support someone who uses Twitter as a platform for dabbling in casual racism, misogyny, and vague threats against democracy? Then Tesla is the brand for you.

So, BMW drivers, take that deep breath. Sure, people might still assume you’re a jerk when they see you coming, but at least now you can point and say, “Hey, I cut you off, but at least I’m not driving that.”

Tesla drivers, welcome to the top of the jerk food chain.

Your cars may be quiet, but your egos? Deafening.

Company policy

The two pictures on this post are from actual advertising agency websites. The first describes who doesn't work there. The second describes who they don't want working there.

It’s a philosophical question really. Exactly how many assholes have to be working in an industry before companies are forced to advertise the fact they’re not welcome as employees?

Hospital websites don’t have to tell you they don’t want jerks working there. Neither do insurance company sites. Home appraiser websites. Restaurant websites. Virtually every industry and business assumes you take it for granted they don't want to hire insufferable, egomaniacal, argumentative, contrary jerks and assholes.

Except one. Advertising. Why do you suppose that is? Think for a second….got it? Okay, don’t make me say it.

Alright, I’ll say it. It’s because there are a lot of jerks and assholes working in advertising. (There are also a lot of immensely talented, brilliant, creative, kind, giving people too, but that's not who we're talking about in this post)

Despite all their efforts to keep them out—including garlic, crosses, a no MAGA hat policy and regular pest control service—jerks and assholes somehow seem to find their way into agencies.

I have a suspicion you, dear reader, might believe that somehow I'm directing my ire towards one department in particular.

Not at all.

The fact of the matter is that agency jerks and assholes are equal opportunity players and are department agnostic: they show up everywhere.

All you can do is recognize them for what they are, call them out on it as often as possible, then ignore them and just keep moving forward.

They don’t ever make it easy, and they have this inexplicable, frustrating and unfair talent for failing up. But if experience with these unpleasant individuals has taught me anything, it's that the best course of action in dealing with them is to stay professional no matter what, and not sink to their level.

Because you know who else doesn’t like jerks and assholes? Karma.