Conspiracy theory

It happens every anniversary of 9/11, and this one is no exception.

Every year, these idiots in their tin foil hats take a break from their vaccine conspiracies - microchips tracking you, vaccines don't work, they make you magnetic (they might be confusing that with my magnetic personality), they cause autism, they alter your DNA - to resurface and decide to scream the same ludicrous 9/11 conspiracy questions that have been answered and proven false for the last twenty-two years.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m all in favor of questioning authority and government watchdogs. But conspiracy theorists, like their Republican and MAGA soulmates, all work under the same motto: don’t confuse me with the facts.

There’s a video online, sadly one of many, of a woman who has a conspiracy theory page on Instagram. I’m not going to name her, and I’m certainly not going to give out the name of her site. The reason I know about it at all is because a friend, who until now I considered fairly intelligent, reasonable and whatever the opposite of paranoid is, posted it today on their IG.

It is totally ridiculous, not to mention disrespectful and hurtful to the many who lost loved ones that day. But again, conspiracy theorists, like their Republican and the MAGA brethren, don’t really give a shit who they hurt.

I’m not going to answer all the questions this moron asks in her video, but I’ll tackle a few.

How does jet fuel burn steel beams?
The answer is it doesn't burn them, it compromises their integrity, something you'd think these asshats would be familiar with. From an article in the October 2001 Scientific American written by structural engineers from M.I.T. - not the YouTube University this conspiracy theorist went to::

” The main culprits in bringing the famously lofty buildings down, they concluded, were the two intensely hot infernos that erupted when tens of thousands of gallons of aviation fuel spilled from the doomed airliners. Once high temperatures weakened the towers' supporting steel structures, it was only a matter of time until the mass of the stories above initiated a rapid-sequence "pancaking" phenomena in which floor after floor was instantly crushed and then sent into near free fall to the ground below. Significantly, the panel stated that any mitigating reinforcements and redundancies added to these buildings could have only delayed the inevitable failure, though they would have bought more time for the evacuation of the occupants. “

How did two planes make three buildings fall?
Actually, two planes made two buildings fall. The fire from the falling debri set fire to the third building and brought it down by compromising the steel beams (see above answer). From the September 23, 2022 issue of USA Today: Official investigations show there is no truth to the claim the Building 7 collapse was pre-planned. World Trade Center Building 7 collapsed at 5:20 p.m. on Sept. 11, 2001, after burning for seven hours, according to a Federal Emergency Management Agency report. It said the collapse of the building was a direct result of fires stimulated by debris from the collapse of World Trade Center Tower 1. The National Institute of Standards and Technology also says on its website that “heat from the uncontrolled fires caused steel floor beams and girders to thermally expand," causing a key structural column to fail and initiating the collapse of the entire building. The site also says investigators "found no evidence supporting the existence of a blast event."

How many people actually saw the airplanes hit the buildings?
In a litany of monumentally stupid questions, this may be the winner. No one has an exact head count, but literally thousands of people in Manhattan and millions watching around the world saw the planes hit. There are eyewitness videos of it all over the internet.

There are also a plethora ($5 word - thanks Rich Siegel) of false claims regarding United 93 that crashed in Pennsylvania. Most all of those are debunked here. And the perennial claim that no airplane debri was found at the Pentagon is answered here.

The truth is the facts that prove the reality are all readily available and easily accessible. Of course, none of this will matter to the tin foil hat crowd. They will take refuge, as they always do, in lame defenses like "that's what they want you to think." or "They made it look that way." or "Follow the money." even if there's no actual money to follow.

Do I think that evidence-based events require further investigation? Of course. JFK's assassination and Jeffrey Epstein's "suicide" have a set of factual circumstances surrounding them that go beyond coincidence and need further examination. But really, let's stop the insane conspiracies - JFK Jr. is alive, the election was rigged, the moon landing, Paul McCartney's death - and put our energies on solving our real problems.

Want to hear my theory? All these conspiracy theorists want to sound smart, like they've uncovered some big secret the rest of us don't know about and are too ignorant to see. And if they haven't, which they haven't, they just make it up. And then they sound like sad, babbling idiots without an ounce of ability for reason or critical thinking.

Oh wait, that's not a theory. Turns out that's a fact.

Post haste

Because I yam who I yam (Popeye joke and Thanksgiving joke in the same line - BAM!), I spent more than a little time playing around with—I mean thoughtfully crafting—different catchy names for this post: Stamp Of Approval. Pushing The Envelope. Going Postal. The Postman Cometh. Special Delivery. But then I decided that, like so many things, I should just trust my Jedi instincts and probably go with the first one I thought of. You're welcome.

We're all aware that one of the ways Cadet Bone Spurs tried to rig the election in his orange-faced favor—along with his billionaire friend and hired thug Postmaster General Louis DeJoy (who will soon be DeGone)—was to cripple the capacity of the postal service to deliver mail-in ballots on time by removing mailboxes and letter-sorting machines.

Like everything else he comes up with in that puny brain and touches with those tiny hands, it failed miserably.

But damage has been done. Morale is lower than ever. Postal employees, already overworked and risking their lives during a pandemic, are working even harder and later. The USPS is now over 9 billion dollars in debt and rising fast. Besides thanking our mailman/woman everyday, there isn't much I can do about the first two. But I am doing something about the third.

I went online last week and decided to buy a bazillion sheets of Forever stamps. There's a much bigger selection on the site than at the post office, so I stocked up: plenty of jolly old St. Nick stamps for the mountain of Christmas cards we'll hopefully be sending out. Some smaller denominations to make up the difference between former postage rates and current ones. And a whole lot just for the fun of it.

All to the tune of about $400.

If you know anything about me, and if you don't by now I don't know what else I can do except bring you to my therapy sessions with me, you know I'm a dog person.

Especially if the dog is a German Shepherd.

So it comes as no surprise to anyone that when I saw the sheet of dog stamps that included my favorite breed, I had to fetch them (sorry). What I meant to say was pony up for them. Does that make these stamps a dog and pony show? Discuss.

Of course, I alway like to go for the funny. So any chance I get I try to add a little humor to my envelopes and bring some well-needed joy (what can I say, I'm a giver) whenever possible. I don't waste them paying bills or answering mail surveys or any mailing I'm sure will be opened by machine. But on those occasions when I know my correspondence will be opened and read by a friend or at least delivered by a human, the Sesame Street stamps above and these wascally wabbit Bugs Bunny stamps fit the bill.

The Count is my favorite character on the Street, but sadly there isn't even vone! sheet of stamps dedicated solely to him. So I got the ones with all the characters. I figured what the hell, at least I don't have to hear Elmo laugh.

And since I grew up on Warner Bros. cartoons—my favorites were the Rabbitt season!/Duck season! battles between Bugs and Daffy Duck, I'd have to be looney tunes not to have bought them. See what I did there?

For my more serious scribblings, and because I love almost everything having to do with space travel, I also ordered the insipiring First Moon Landing stamps. And when serious words cross over to somber, the envelopes get the JFK-in-thoughtful-repose treatment.

I don't collect stamps, but I do enjoy them. Always have. In fact I've written about them on here before.

Anyway, I'd like to encourage you, all nine readers, to remember the joy and surprise of getting a letter from a friend or loved one. A postcard from a foreign land (for the last eight months that'd be anyplace outside your house). Put yourself on an email diet, and start writing actual letters again. They'll be more meaningful, plus you'll have time to think about what you're writing before you hit send. And by hitting send I mean dropping it in the mailbox. If your mailbox wasn't removed by DeJoy.

While you're at it be sure to buy lots of stamps at USPS.com to support the postal service. After all, they're the fine people (not on both sides) who played a huge, instrumental part in saving democracy and delivering the millions of ballots that made sure the Traitor-In-Chief didn't get a second term.

And in my book, that alone makes them a first-class operation.

Argo and see it

It seems to me one of the toughest hat tricks to pull off when you’re making a movie based on a real-life incident is building suspense when the audience already knows how it ends.

In fact, that used to be my joke when anyone said they were going to see Passion Of The Christ. I’d say, “Want to know how it ends?” I love that joke – if they ever re-release the movie I may resurrect it.

BAM! Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

Back to the point.

When a movie’s able to pull it off well, to make you forget the actual real life outcome and root for the ending, it’s downright miraculous. The ones that do it well, movies like Apollo 13, Miracle, Thirteen Days or JFK, are rare.

The reason I mention it is I saw Argo for the second time this weekend. It’s an outstanding picture, and Ben Affleck – already one of my favorite directors - is batting three for three. Not a lot of people knew about the clandestine operation by the CIA to get the six hostages out of Iran disguised as a movie crew during the height of the hostage crisis. But once the publicity machine started, everyone knew it was successful.

Despite that knowledge, the suspense is breathtaking. You’re literally on the edge of your seat.

At the end of the film, during the credits, the actors are show side-by-side with the real life people they're portraying. If there was ever a film that made the argument for a casting director Oscar, this would be it.

After a long, summer drought of movies I've wanted to escape from, it's refreshing to find one I want to escape to again and again.

A game of Checkers

A friend of mine used to say you weren't in a real city unless you could do two things: jaywalk and hail a cab.

The first time I was in New York I realized, as everyone instantly does, that this was not only a real city, but the real city.

And one of the best and most memorable things about it were the ginormous yellow Checker cabs.

By the thousands, these tank-sized cabs would roam up and down the avenues, looking great, burning gas and picking up passengers. Once inside, you were met with the cavernous back seat. It made you feel like you were driving in your living room. Or more often than anyone needs to think about, bedroom.

I remember flying into JFK one time and sharing a Checker cab into the city. They were built for sharing - they had an additional backwards-facing fold-down bench seat in the back so about 8 or 9 people could fit comfortably into one of these babies.

It made getting into the city fairly painless, financially speaking.

Eventually the Checkers, like the dinosaurs, became extinct - not because they were taken out by a meteor, but because they couldn't adapt to the changing times. And by changing times I mean gas prices.

So instead, in their place today we have fuel-efficient, technologically-advanced, non-polluting, dull-as-hell, puny little Prius cabs. They barely carry four people. None of them comfortably. And luggage? That's just crazy talk.

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If you know anything about me - and really, what haven't I shared on here - you know political correctness isn't one of my strong suits. I think the Big Apple should bring back the inefficient, polluting, technologically outdated, passenger-pleasing Checker cabs.

Earth Day, Ed Begley and Al Gore be damned.

The Elvis factor

There's a phenomenon called The Elvis Factor. It's the fact that at any given time, 10% of the population believe Elvis is still alive. And of that 10%, 8% believe if you send him a letter he'll answer it.

I'm going to generalize here, but as a rule these people are very sensitive and don't respond well at all to being asked about their questionable beliefs. They don't like being cornered, and when they are usually lash out with personal insults or comments that have nothing to do with the issue at hand.

Imagine, a group of petty, thin-skinned, hard-headed people believing what they want despite verifiable facts to the contrary. Wonder who they're voting for?

When you ask them about it, why all the papers reported him dead, why there's a grave at Graceland, why he's laying in his casket in that famous National Enquirer photo, they all give the same, extremely predictable answer: conspiracy.

It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.

Almost every major event that's happened in the last century has a conspiracy theory attached to it. And a group of people willing and ready to blindly support those theories with their ignorance. When you disagree with them, they act like Americans in Europe for the first time. They just keep talking louder and louder until you. get. it.

You can tell I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist. I have my suspicions about the JFK assassination, I think something may have landed at Roswell and it does seem interesting to me there was one news story about the discovery of over two hundred years' worth of oil in the Gulf of Mexico, and then nothing. But that's about it.

I believe we landed on the moon. I believe Challenger exploded because of a faulty "O" ring.

A healthy dose of skepticism and questioning authority is a good thing. But the reality is, for the most part, things are exactly what they appear to be. And the big events, the catastrophic disasters, the "I'll always remember where I was when I heard it" tragedies happen because they happen.

There isn't any giant conspiracy. There's nothing hiding under the bed.

Although I keep telling my kids there is. It never gets old.

The London Telegraph has a great article on the 30 Greatest Conspiracy Theories. Definitely worth reading, if only for comic relief.

For the most part, these theories are harmless rantings. But one more than the others has a deep cruelty to it. The one about 9/11. The victims families have enough pain for the rest of their lives without these "theorists" continually trying to explain what REALLY happened.

By the way, good luck trying to figure out who put me up to writing this.