The new GQP mascot

Why doesn't the GQP just get it over with already.

It's long past time to stop insulting the image of the gentle, majestic elephant by using it as a symbol for an insurrectionist party made up of spineless, ass-kissing, backward-looking, boot-licking cowards.

"C'mon Jeff, tell us how you really feel."

It's not hard to recognize they've never been ones for accuracy or truth, but you'd think they'd really like to have something more representative of their true character to put on their Made In China red caps and Let's Go Brandon t-shirts.

And what could be better than a mascot that universally represents the total absence of courage.

Today's GQP lives their sad, fearful little lives scared of everything good, right, fair and just. To name a few: women's rights. LGBTQ rights. Gay marriage. Gun control. Universal healthcare. NATO. Ukraine. Abortion rights. Voter rights. BLM. Police reform. Truth. Facts—real ones, not the alternative kind.

The list goes on longer than one of Moscow Mitch's floor speeches.

Seriously, the best thing they could do is reposition themselves as what they've always been: the party of people your parents warned you about becoming. After all does anyone really want to grow up to be Ted Cruz? Jim Jordan? Cadet Bone Spurs? Lindsey Graham? John Cornyn? Tom Cotton? Lauren Bobert? Marjorie Taylor Greene? It doesn't matter. Insert any Republican politician name here (with the exception of Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, for the moment).

I will admit one thing the GQP does exceedingly well. They confirm the obvious to anyone watching.

That besides courage, they're also missing a heart and a brain.

Elephant in the room

This will come as a shock, but even in the halcyon days before Covid, going to the dentist was never on my short list of favorite things. It ranked slightly above getting a colonoscopy and just below hearing the Facts Of Life theme song.

But ask anyone who knows me, and right after they stop laughing they’ll tell you I’m nothing if not an overachiever. And because I am, unlike mere mortals I need to have my teeth cleaned three times a year instead of the usual two.

One of those appointments came up back in May. My dentist’s office called to ask if I was going to be comfortable coming in, and I assumed she was asking because of Covid and not my usual bad attitude towards having a strangers hands messing around in my mouth.

I told her, for both reasons, I was not.

So we postponed the appointment a few months, even though I knew full well because I was missing it the next cleaning was going to involve x-rays, extra scraping, maybe a transfusion and definitely smelling salts.

When it came time to face the music last month, I was still apprehensive because of Covid, but I also didn’t want my teeth to wind up looking like Austin Powers’.

As I arrived I was relieved to see my dentist was following strict Covid protocols. I couldn’t just walk in, I had to call from outside and let him know I was there.

Once inside, I had to answer a short questionnaire, using a clean pen, and then had my temperature taken. I was walked back to the hygienist’s area and directed to the chair. That’s when I saw it: the elephant in the room.

The rather unattractive piece of technology you see up top here is referred to as The Elephant. It’s an industrial grade air filter that sucks the air down the tube before any particles of anything have a chance to go anywhere—like into your nose or mouth.

They placed it literally a quarter inch from my mouth. It was extremely loud but strangely reassuring (just like my high school girlfriend).

My hygienist was wearing two masks, gloves and a face shield. She also pointed out that of the two of us, she was the one more in danger of being exposed to something since my yap was wide open the whole time.

Anyway, the Elephant did a swell job, and I left the office without catching anything except a case of pearly whites. My next daring deed will be masking up and returning to my acupuncturist.

For a long list of reasons, I’m hoping there are no needles called The Elephant in his office.