New math

I have a high threshold for creepiness. I like horror movies. I want the teenagers to go into the dark cave. After the car breaks down in the rain on the deserted road, I can't wait for them to knock on the door of the creepy house. I love it when they don't know their shadows are moving independently of them. And toy clowns with eyes that follow them around the room? Yes please.

But I saw something on television this morning that creeped me out more than any movie has in a long time. This commercial for Mathnasium.

First of all, in the same way people who live in Anaheim never go to Disneyland, I almost never pay attention to commercials. However when the creepfactor is cranked up to eleven, it can't help but be a slow, drive by car wreck I can't look away from.

To quote Stefon, "This spot's got everything."

A pedestrian concept.

White-bread casting.

Bargain-basement CGI.

Needle drop music.

Giant A+ spray painted on the classroom wall (to go with the A+ on all the freakishly animated student sweaters).

Annoying voiceover.

Kid giving a thumbs up.

A token Asian cause, you know, math.

A maybe Hispanic kid and his maybe Hispanic mom.

A kid that says, "Awesome." Because that's how kids talk.

Not sure why, but for some reason for me the spot has an "It's a cookbook!" quality to it. Maybe it's the bad CGI on the badly animated students.

Here's what I think would help: if the kid at the end of the spot smiled and looked at his reflection in the car window. We'd hold for a beat, then his reflection suddenly turns into a killer clown, breaks through the glass and rips the little suckers' throat out.

I know, it probably wouldn't be good for enrollment. But you can't tell me it wouldn't add up to a much more memorable spot.

Pregnant pause

As a freelance copywriter, you go through different seasons.

The unemployed season. The four-agencies-want-you-at-the-same-time season. The let's-have-lunch season. The I-think-I've-used-too-many-hypens season.

One season I went through for a while was the copywriter-on-maternity-leave season.

It seemed every gig I booked was for exactly three months, filling in for someone who was out on maternity leave. It always made me happy. Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you I'm a romantic at heart.

When love is in the air, money is in the bank.

Anyway, my point is it's never too early to start planning ahead. I'd like to suggest to all the female copywriters thinking about bringing a bouncing bundle of joy into your lives that now is the time. There are so many benefits - for you I mean.

Your parents will stop asking when you're going to have a baby. You and your significant other can start planning the gender-neutral color scheme if you live west of Lincoln, or whether the room is going to be blue or pink if you live east of Lincoln. Your friends can start thinking about how much they're going to spend on your gift at the baby shower (insider tip: don't give the Diaper Genie, they already have one. It's called a trash can).

And you'll have a tax deduction you didn't have before.

In case you were wondering, suggesting you get started now has nothing to do with the fact my son's 2016/17 tuition is due end of August, beginning of September, coincidentally right about the time you'll be having your baby.

Take it from me, nothing in life is more rewarding than you having a baby.

That goes for both of us.

This is the film I've been looking for

In the eternal divide between Star Trek and Star Wars people, I've always been on the Star Trek side. Not that I didn't like or appreciate Star Wars, but Star Trek spoke to me in a way SW didn't.

With today's release of the new SWVII trailer, while my position may not have changed entirely, I think I'm now on both sides. There's no other way to say it: I geeked out completely when I saw the new trailer.

December can't get here fast enough.

There are some predictions the new SW will make $2 billion worldwide, which would make it the most successful film ever. To which I say, I could've told you that.

There's a quick cameo at the end of the trailer of one of the most popular characters from the original film. I'm man enough to admit it gave me a lump in my throat and brought tears to my eyes when I saw this person.

I was totally unprepared for how strong the force is with this one.

Know what else I feel? Grateful.

My kind of kid

As the kid lottery goes, I think I hit the jackpot. I have two extremely incredible kids who never cease to surprise and amaze me.

Like magicians, except with fewer bunny casualties.

I've already posted here about how crazy proud I am of the poem my daughter wrote. Now I want to relay a little anecdote about her brother.

My son is currently on a trip to Chicago with his school choir group. They have scheduled performances and competitions for the next few days. They also have plenty of extra time to tool around Chicago and take in what makes it such a great city.

Anyway, I was taking him to school yesterday, the day he was leaving, and he asks me the question I get almost every time I take him to school - "Can I play you a song?"

Now, when he asks, I immediately roll my eyes, let out a deep sigh and assume I'm going to be held hostage to one of the bands he likes that make me want to blow my brains out.

It's a very mature reaction to have in front of him. I'm nothing if not a role model.

So I said, "Sure, go ahead."

He plugs in his iPhone, hits play and out comes the last thing I would've expected: Sinatra singing My Kind Of Town.

I was smiling, but I felt like crying tears of joy. At how beautiful Sinatra's tone and phrasing are. How perfect a song choice it was. How much he loved surprising me with it.

And how much I'll miss him until he gets back Monday.