Secret identity

I'm just going to say it: Bruce Jenner's story and struggle resonated with me. And in light of Rachel Dolezal’s revelation she’s always identified as black, I feel inspired and moved to come out, and reveal the truth about who I feel I really am in my heart and soul since I was born.

I can now say this with pride: I identify as rich.

I relate to the rich experience. As long as I can remember, I’ve spent money when, where and as much as I’ve wanted, never concerned about running out or if more will come to replace it. I've gone to great lengths to change my appearance and behavior to look rich.

For example, I enjoy sushi immensely. And really, do people who aren’t rich drop a c-note on raw fish and sticky rice for dinner nearly as often as I do? Of course they don't. No sane person does.

Would a non-rich person take their car to the dealer to be repaired, knowing full well they'll pay at least twice what they'd pay at an authorized independent mechanic? I have my car serviced exclusively at the dealer. I have for years. My rich inner self wouldn't have it any other way.

I’ve operated for years on the philosophy that “if I spend it it will come.” This approach been particularly evident on my visits to Las Vegas. Speaking of which, there are dozens of low-price hotels there, but instead, I choose to stay at the Venetian or Bellagio. I realize what one night costs at these establishments is probably three nights at a significantly lesser hotel like the Tropicana or Flamingo. But I feel like need a shower for even mentioning those other hotels.

It's a reaction the rich often have.

Identifying as rich hasn’t been an easy road. Sometimes the bank, credit card companies and my kids’ piggy bank try to convince me I’m really not rich by birth. Well sure, not on the outside.

On the inside, I'm all champagne dreams and caviar wishes.

Someday I hope society will accept me for who I am and not judge. But until then, I’m willing to suffer the indignities that come with identifying as rich: waiting for the valet. Trying to get change for a hundred. Wearing socks more than once.

Thank you for your understanding and support as I introduce my rich personality to the world.

If you need me, I’ll be at the sushi bar.

Let's leave Bruce Jenner alone

When I used to live in Santa Monica, in a rent-controlled corner apartment on the top floor of a seventeen-floor building that was a hundred yards from the beach, I used to somehow manage to get up in the pre-dawn hour and stagger half-awake over to the internationally famous Mecca of Bodybuilding, Gold's Gym in Venice to work out.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "But Jeff, why do you need to work out? You're already such a perfect physical specimen." First, thank you for noticing. Second, it takes work maintaining this physique. And third, unless this is a circus funhouse mirror - and I'm hoping it is - I probably should get back to it sooner rather than later. But I digress.

Did I mention my rent controlled apartment a hundred yards from the beach? Okay, digressing again.

Anyway, because it was Golds, I'd always see a lot of celebrities working out there. I've worked out with, well, worked out in the same room with Jeff Goldblum, Jennifer Connelly, Keanu Reeves and Laura Dern to name a few.

One person I also saw fairly regularly was Bruce Jenner. At the time, no one was talking about him transitioning to a woman. They were just whispering about his bad plastic surgery. But as the years went on, and his face took on more feminine features, the rumors started - privately at first, then publicly.

Eventually, he started take female hormone treatments, and his physical appearance began to become more feminine as well.

I recognize the fact Jenner has courted a lot of the publicity that surrounds him. He's been a public figure for over forty years, becoming a genuine American hero by winning the Olympic gold medal for the 1976 decathlon, a sport which until then had been dominated by the Soviets. He's also excelled in other sports, was talked about for the role of Superman in the 1978 film, and more recently has sold his soul to the devil by cavorting with the Kardashians on their reality show.

Throughout it all, his appearance has been gradually changing to the point where what is transpiring is now undeniable. Especially by Jenner. Apparently he has come out (no pun intended) and made public the fact he's transitioning to a woman.

From the procedures to the revelation that the rumors were true, none of it could've been an easy decision. In fact, Jenner is doing his own reality show about the entire transition, that will explain the process as it happens. Of course this is for money and ratings. But I suspect sharing it all with the world will be somewhat cathartic for him as well.

I feel if he's finally transforming into who he believes he really is, then let him. Leave him alone. Stop the tawdry press stories and harsh memes about him. Quit Photoshopping his pictures with grotesque and exaggerated feminine features where his face is.

What's so disturbing about it all is this misplaced logic people have about having a right to be disappointed in Jenner because he's making a decision he's probably wanted, needed, to make all his life. The cruelty of the comments surrounding his decision are nothing short of ignorant and evil. So is the sense of entitlement of the tabloid and some mainstream press.

From Olympic athlete to actor, game show celebrity to aviation businessman, race car driver to reality television star, Bruce Jenner has always been who we've wanted him to be.

It's time to let him be who he wants to be.