The eyes have it

I've posted before here about my annual eye exam to make sure my retina isn't detaching. Which I'm happy to report it isn't. My eye doctor is the guy, the premiere retina and vitreous tissue specialist in the country. And I love seeing him (no pun intended) every year. He's incredibly reassuring, and just generally awesome.

In between my annual retina check ups, I visit my also stellar optometrist at least once or twice a year, because my vision changes so quickly. In fact it's gotten worse since you started reading this post.

The bad news is my eyes are unusually sensitive, not to mention piercing: like looking into a deep, brown, knowing ocean and seeing answers to questions you've always been too fearful to ask, yet knowing the essence of your soul has been seen and reflected back at you.

Where was I? Oh yeah. What I'm saying is even a one degree change in my prescription, and it's new glasses all around.

My favorite part of the exam is the phoropter. It's the refraction measuring machine in the picture up on top that, when placed in front of your eyes, makes you look like you're going to a masquerade party. Or you're a borg.

While you have it on, the doctor keeps changing out lenses and asking "which is better, one or two?" Changes them again. "Better yet?" And again. "How about now?"

I think it'd be great if there were also a phoropter for other life decisions. Spouses, homes, cars, kids, dogs. Something that would give you a picture of what you're getting, and the chance to make it even better.

Of course, not everyone answers the "which is better?" question the right way. Sometimes it's hard to see the difference no matter how long you stare at it. But by then it's too late, your choice has been made.

Which is also the exact moment you realize hindsight is 20/20.

Through the looking glasses

I got new glasses over the weekend. This may not seem like a particularly big deal to you, but the fact is I’ve worn my same glasses for more years than I can remember.

It’s not that I’m slow to change, it’s just I have a hard time finding a pair of frames I like.

My old ones were smaller on my face. Not John Lennon granny-glasses small, but small. However over the years, my face - along with the rest of me - has gotten, shall we say, fuller. And my old glasses were looking less like glasses and more like a vise squeezing my head to pop my brains out.

At least that's how I saw them.

Fortunately for me, bigger frames are all the rage now, so I finally found a pair of Ray Ban 5225’s that fit me perfectly. Big, wide lenses. Stylish design. Distant borrowed cool from Risky Business. Cheap as hell on Amazon. Everything I was looking for.

When I came in to work today, I have to say I was expecting much more of a reaction than I got. After all, I’d worn the same glasses for years, and the new ones were distinctly different. Everyone seems to notice when I get a haircut. Or a new shirt. Even new shoes. Since they notice those little things, I was braced for a barrage of complimentary comments about my new glasses. I mean they’re right there on my face.

Instead of a slew of comments, I only got one – from my friend and sometimes art director partner Kurt who happens to have the exact same pair I got. Except his are blue and mine are black (Surprise!).

I think the lesson here is don’t go looking for compliments or attention. I need to just be happy that - after years of trying on frames and checking the mirror to see how they looked except I couldn't see how they looked cause I need my glasses to see - I finally found some I like.

Besides, exactly when did I start giving a damn what other people think? Oh, I remember: it was the 12th of never.

As anyone who knows me will tell you, once you get past the sarcasm, cynicism and general skeptical nature, I'm basically a glass-half-full kind of guy. And I've managed to find a silver-lining to this shocking lack of attention.

Apparently I have a superpower I didn’t know I had. For only $450, I can make myself invisible.