Make some noise

My car is making a noise. It's a new noise, one it hasn't made since I've owned it.

It's a hard to describe noise. One of those "You'll know it when you hear it..." noises.

I, of course, hear it all the time.

I couldn't tell if the noise was doing damage or not, so I took it to my mechanic to have it checked out. Here's the funny part: he couldn't get the car to make the noise.

He kept it for two or three days, but it was no go. My car was as quiet as a church mouse and purring like a kitten when he drove it. So I went back, picked it up and drove it home. And guess what? It made the noise all the way home.

I thought to myself if my independent guy can't find it, maybe someone who has a lot of experience with my model car day in and day out would have better luck. So last Thursday, I drove my car to the dealer. I picked it up today. For those of you keeping count, that's six days they had to find the noise.

They couldn't find it.

Here's my theory. I believe, much like Stephen King's Christine, that my car is alive. Somehow it's found out I've been online looking at new cars to replace it, and now it's decided to punish me for it.

With a noise no one else but me can hear, it's made me think twice about selling it. I'm afraid when I'm least expecting it, the car will let the noise rip while every prospective buyer takes it for a test drive. I could always trade it in and take the financial hit, but I'm sure just as they were pulling it into the garage it would do it again and they'd offer me even less than they normally would.

As far as I can tell, I have two choices: run it into the ground, or wait and see if the noise disappears over time (just like my high school girlfriend).

Whichever road I decide to take, I'm sure you'll hear about it. If the car wants you to.

What took so long?

Right at the beginning, let me apologize for the Andy Rooney-ness of this post.

Every once in awhile, it strikes me as amazing the things people will put up with. And how long they'll put up with them.

Even more so when the answer/solution that takes its sweet time arriving is so obvious. So logical. So in your face, you can't believe it took so long to get here.

Like self-adhesive postage stamps. Hello? What was the hold up here?

I remember my parents having me lick stamps on envelopes for our holiday cards. Sadly I also remember to. this. day. the awful taste of the government-issue glue the postal service used.

I would've written a letter to complain, but it would've been just one more stamp to lick.

On a related note, same goes for return address labels. Even though I'm sure the labels were self-adhesive before stamps, I also remember having my hand cramp up writing our address over and over on so many envelopes.

So what if my parents cards got lost in the mail. It was the mail.

Another "what took so long?" Wheels on suitcases.

I can remember trying to lift one of the big, solid suitcases my parents packed when we went on trips. I couldn't lift it because obviously they'd packed it with bricks. Which didn't really matter, because even if they'd packed it with feathers suitcases back then were made of lead. Or at least it felt like it when you tried lugging one through the airport. Or the resort. Or the parking lot.

To this day, I'm convinced it was a conspiracy between Samsonite and the American Chiropractic Association.

I can literally remember the first suitcase I saw with wheels. I also remember the choir voices I heard when I saw it.

The first models had the old, roller-skate type wheels - big and hard to swivel (just like my high school girlfriend). Those wheels were magical in the way they could make every surface they rolled on sound like gravel.

But I didn't have to lift suitcases anymore. Who cared how they sounded.

Finally another minor miracle of our times. The upside down ketchup bottle.

In a society where time is money, who could afford the hours it sometimes took waiting for the ketchup to come out of the bottle? Okay, not really hours. It just felt like it when the fries were getting cold.

But now that ketchup bottles have gravity working on their side, that time can be spent much more productively. Eating.

I'm sure you have a few "what took so long?" examples of your own. I'd love to hear about them.

That's the end of this post for now.

And yes, I know what you're asking yourself.