Two for the roses

It's a colorful tradition that's been going on for 126 years. The first day of the new year, people gather in Pasadena, as well as millions more in their living rooms around the country to watch the spectacle, gasp in disbelief and appreciate the artistry of it all.

Of course I'm speaking of Bob Eubanks' and Stephanie Edwards' plastic surgery.

For all 126 years, Bob and Stephanie have been hosting the annual Tournament of the Roses Parade on KTLA in Los Angeles. They look great don't they?

Bob Eubanks was the first host of the Chuck Barris produced Newlywed Game. He was 28-years old when the show debuted in 1966. You do the math. Never mind, I'll do it for you. He's 77-years old.

Of course, that's just chronologically. In parade host/plastic surgeon years, he's still 28.

Stephanie Edwards has been television fixture since I was a kid. And by fixture, I mean an inanimate object that doesn't do much, but looks good sitting there. She began on a morning talk show in L.A., got moved to the predecessor of Good Morning America for awhile, and then became a Rose Parade, um, fixture in 1978.

There were a couple years (2006-2008) where KTLA tied the can to her and brought in a younger model to sit with Eubanks and read cliché-filled copy about the Oklahoma University Marching band, its storied history and the Wells Fargo float celebrating the theme "Let's Make Money." But the apparently the viewing audience put down their Metamucil for a second and noticed. Then they called their grandchildren and had them write letters to KTLA, in their nice handwriting. Anyway, the outcry was so overwhelming that the network brought her back in 2009.

My question is, are we supposed to not notice? When you have a parade where the flowers wilt after a couple days, but the hosts don't after forty years, it's hard to ignore.

Well, God bless 'em. Nice to see the older folks working. Even if they don't look like older folks are supposed to look.

All of this also begs another couple questions.

Why am I watching the Rose Parade? And where the hell did I put my Metamucil?

Face the music

I have a lot of sympathy for actors, especially women, who feel they need to have a nip and tuck just to stay competitive in an industry that worships youth, and tosses anyone over thirty to the curb.

But as Joan Rivers, Jocelyn Wildenstein (the cat lady in New York) and Priscilla Presley would be the first to tell you, sometimes the results are less than what you hoped for.

I feel particularly sad for Lara Flynn Boyle.

I know she made the decision to do it, and I know she has to live with the consequences. But you have to wonder what she saw when she looked in the mirror that drove her to such extremes. It obviously wasn't the beautiful, talented actor the rest of the world saw.

I'm not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV. It's just my opinion that sometimes there's a thin line between doing what you have to do and mental illness.

LFB was in one of my favorite films ever, John Dahl's Red Rock West with Nic Cage. She also displayed her comedy chops in Wayne's World, and her very sinister side in The Temp. Sadly every time I see one of her films now, it's overlaid with a veneer of pity and sadness for her each time she's on screen.

Rumor has it she's had some corrective surgery to regain some semblance of her former self. But unless she has a DeLorean that goes 88 mph, I don't think her former looks are coming back any time soon.

I hear people joke about celebrities that have plastic surgery, but I get it. No one is harder and more critical of our physical looks than we are. Times a thousand for people who make a living being looked at by millions of people.

While it's obvious LFB won't get the roles she used to, I hope she's able to continue working in the industry. On her IMDB page, she's just completed a low-budget family film directed by the same person who did Gabe The Cupid Dog and Unstable.

Be that as it may, I'm grateful at least someone in town looks past the surface, and still sees a talented actor looking back.

Know when to fold 'em

The man on the left is Kenny Rogers. So is the man on the right.

I'm not quite sure why I'm doing a post about Kenny Rogers' botched plastic surgery. I've never had any done myself (not counting that penis reduction procedure - it was just so freakishly huge I had to do something), and neither has anyone in my family. Maybe it's on my mind because I just did a post about Terri Hatcher and couldn't help but mentioning the work she's had done.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of readin' people's faces, And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes. - lyrics from The Gambler

Rarely has a singer been so identified with a song in the way that Rogers is with The Gambler. And yet I'm going to go out on a limb here and say if anyone were trying to read Kenny Rogers face or eyes now, they'd have a tough time doing it.

There's an awesome website called Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers. I used to think only a few of them were dead on, but the more the real Kenny's face changes, the more people on that site look like him. I guess bad plastic surgery (seriously, buck teeth? How does that happen?) leaves more room for interpretation.

When Kenny sang Ruby Don't Take Your Love To Town, years before he ever had his first nip or tuck, I'll bet he never knew he was predicting his own future:

And yes, it's true that I'm not the man I used to be...

Terri Hatcher has big ones

How can you not see them? She's practically shoving them at you. And they're staring you right in the face. Besides, she's an actress. She knows you're looking at them. Plus when skinny girls like her have a pair that big, you really can't help but notice.

I'm talking about her ears.

I caught a bit of Desperate Housewives last night (okay, first, my macho self-esteem is not threatened. And second, I'd already seen the east coast feed of Dexter), and there was a shot with her hair pulled back in a pony tail and oh my God look at the size of those ears!

It's probably not the first feature she wants viewers focusing on. But being an actress, you'd think she'd know her good angles from her bad. And this was bad.

I think one of the reasons those ears are so prominent is all the plastic surgery she's had. Her cheeks (and lips, and forehead) are pulled so tight, her ears slant forward at an angle not usually found in nature.

I don't mean to pick on her. I've always liked her. She was great in a small film called The Big Picture, starring Kevin Bacon and directed by Christopher Guest. I also liked her a lot in Lois & Clark.

It's a tough business to get older in, especially for women, and I don't begrudge her doing what she needs to do to stay competitive in it.

All I'm saying is if you have as much money as she does, and you're going to get as much plastic surgery as she's had, the question you probably want people asking at the end of it all is "How does she still look so great?"

Instead of "How many channels you get on those things?"