The fine print

Today I made an investment I'd managed to put off for years. I bought a new printer for the house.

The old printer was a HP Photosmart C8180, and it served us well for a long time. But as it got older, it would occasionally freeze up under the stress of all the work it had to churn out. Something I can definitely relate to.

Then there was that obsolete thing. With the advent of Apple AirPrint, which was not one of its capabilities, it was only a matter of time before it was taking the big dirtnap.

The good news is the price of printers has continually come down, and the technology loaded into them has steadily increased. The bad news is - and this is an odd complaint - is there are too damn many to choose from. HP. Cannon. Brother. Epson. Lexmark (never a contender). Each company making at least ten to choose from, running the gamut from inexpensive to need a co-signer.

The determining factor on price is features. Paper feeder? Yes please. Automatic double side printing? Twice the fun. 12 pages per minute? If you say so. AirPrint? How did I ever live without it.

I didn't have the cash on hand for both the new MacBook Pro I need and the new iPhone being announced next week. But I did have the $99 bucks for a new HP OfficeJet 5740 (actually I just poured a little more gas on the American Express card).

So I feel like I at least got to upgrade something.

The setup however didn't go quite as smoothly as I'd hoped. It had trouble connecting to my wireless network. I thought it'd automatically say, "Oh, Jeff's network, where you been all my life?" Not so much.

Seems I was running on a 5Ghz network, and the printer is only 2.4Ghz capable. With the help of HP Tech Support I was chatting with, who at one point told me I needed to be patient (I got your patient right here...), I created a new 2.4Ghz network for the printer to hook up with. I know, right?

Now everything's working swell, and the new printer's spitting out paper like it just took a swig of Zima.

I wonder if it'll let me print out the loan documents I'll need for the ink cartridges.

Paper trail

My pal Rich Siegel over at Round Seventeen put up a post today that got me thinking, nostalgically, about the non-advertising jobs I’ve had.

It’s a long list.

I won't take you through them all, although delivery boy for Leo's Flowers and driver for Bob Hope's best friend did have their post-worthy moments. Another time.

For today, under the heading of “What were you thinking?!” jobs, one of my first was a paperboy for the Los Angeles Herald Examiner. If that name isn't familiar, it's because the Herald doesn't exist anymore and hasn't for a long time. It was a great newspaper, from a bygone time when L.A. was a two paper town.

I’d get the papers tossed off the truck in bundles in front of my house. Then I'd have to fold and rubber band them, put them in the giant canvas bags that hung and swung from the towering handlebars of my Schwinn Stingray, and try not to lose my balance as I went wobbling on wheels down the street delivering them.

The only thing worse than the daily paper was the Sunday Herald. Thick, filled with crappy ads someone wrote (who would want that job?), hard to fold and heavy to throw, I figured out early on why Sunday mornings were a time for prayer.

In all modesty, I have to say I did develop into a pretty good pitcher, chucking those papers dead center on to the Welcome mats of subscribers homes I rode past. If major league baseball had been scouting paperboys, things might've been different.

Back then, the way I got paid was to go and get it. There were no credit payments, PayPal or online payments. At the end of each month, I’d go door-to-door, my receipt book in hand, and try to collect payment for the month of papers my subscribers had already received.

See if you can figure out how many ways this was a bad idea.

Child knocking on doors at dinnertime? Child carrying money on him? Child arguing with adults about getting paid? Adults swearing at child about paying for the paper? Suffice it to say that even though I was making some change, the end of the month was not something I looked forward to.

Like the papers, the job eventually folded (see what I did there?). But I learned a lot about myself, a great lesson on how I felt about starting the day early, working hard and getting the job done.

It's a lesson I remember each and every day. When I get in at 10.

Sustain this

When I was growing up - a process many who know me would say I have yet to accomplish - I remember in history class or social studies when we'd talk about the then Soviet Union. We'd laugh as only ugly Americans can at the plight of those people who, having yet to experience perestroika or come to their capitalist senses, were still living under a harsh communist regime.

One example of their state of despair that we talked about always, pardon the pun, stuck with me. It was their toilet paper. The teacher would make the observation that in communist countries, the toilet paper was always brown and had the silky smooth texture of sandpaper.

Clearly Mr. Whipple was not a communist.

I've never forgotten that image of square, brown sheets of paper. In fact, I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm reminded of it every time I go into a restaurant where they use napkins made from recycled paper.

Absence of color me old-fashioned, but I miss the soft white napkins these environmentally correct ones have replaced. They brought an elegance to the dining establishment, even if the main course was burgers and fries.

And really, are we running out of trees to make paper? Trees are one of our most renewable and sustainable resources. While we may not be growing them as fast as we're cutting them down, are we really at the point we have to recycle paper that's been wiped across someone else's mouth?

The solution seems relatively clear - plant more trees, and make the ones we have now last a little longer.

Yeah, I know it takes electricity to run the mills, but the sandpaper napkins aren't making themselves either. Track it down and you'll find a brown plug somewhere.

Besides, when a restaurant like, for example California Pizza Kitchen, decides to trade down to recycled napkins, they may be making themselves feel good about their environmental efforts but they're also cheapening the currency when it comes to their brand. You can bet customers aren't hurling compliments at them for their proactive stance on the napkin issue. No one cares. The damage to the brand isn't worth the trade-off.

I have no doubt I'll be hearing from all my Earth Day-lovin', environmentally leanin', recycling supportin' friends about how wrong my position is and how I'm advocating wastefulness.

If it's any consolation, I love the Dyson Air dryers in the men's room.