T'was the night before Christmas: 2021 Edition

It's been a couple years since I put up this post on Christmas Eve, and honestly I debated whether or not to do it at all this year.

However it is the season of giving, and damn it, if we know anything about me we know I'm a giver.

As you may have noticed, this year has been somewhat different than years past. But despite covid, my virus paranoia and my obsessive hand-washing, I actually do look forward to the coming year with uncharacteristic hope and optimism.

Plus I look fabulous in a mask, so there’s that.

So for the holidays, this year more than ever, give those you love the present that will mean the most. Hug them tight, and make sure they know how much they're loved.

Please enjoy this little diddy, revised for the times we find ourselves in.

I wish the very merriest Christmas to each and every one of you and yours. And a healthy, happy new year to us all.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all ‘round the world

A sense of great unease had spun and had swirled

The covid tests hung by the fireplace with care

In hopes a vaxxed Santa soon would be there

Families nestled with thoughts of spiked virus balls in their head

And visions of immunity and slowing the spread

They’d talk of frustration with shut downs and such

And the fact last year they hadn’t gone out very much

When out in the living room there rose such a clatter

I stopped rapid testing to see what was the matter

The door had been locked, did somebody hack it

What could possibly be making all of that racket

With a little old driver, so lively and quick

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name

Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!

We’ve had our boosters and the vaccine’s kicked in

We’re masked and we’re ready to spread Christmas joy

All ‘round the world tonight, to every girl and boy

This year we’re over the naughty and nice list

We’re going to all the children’s homes that exist

Parents are weary and children are tired

Of figuring out where and how and what is required

But we’re all in this together if we just hang on tight

And get over ourselves and keep doing what’s right

It can be beat, it really can be done

If we all do our part, each and every one

So while the spirit may not move us as it has in years past

Let’s look towards the day when finally at long last

This virus is behind us and life’s again what it should be

And the season is joyous for you and for me

Until that day comes let’s care for each other

And consider all our sisters and every brother

We’re all a piece of the puzzle, it’s really quite a feat

Together as one is the only way we’re complete

That’s not to say this years’ losses should be forgotten

By any measure, the last 365 days have been rotten

But we can pick ourselves up, we know how to do it

And despite how it looks, we will all get through it

Then he jumped in his sled with a sparkle in his eye

Gave a shout and a holler and flew towards the sky

He looked back and exclaimed, “remember at the end of every tunnel there’s light

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Take a stab at it

I have a good idea about the first thing you noticed when you looked at this picture. I saw it too. The iPhone makes me look like I still have a 32-inch waist. Damn I love that phone.

The other thing you might have noticed are what look like meth-tweaker track marks on both my arms. "He really needs to stop bingeing Breaking Bad."

I have to admit when they first appeared, they actually were a pretty combination of blue, purple, yellow and green. I sort of stared at them, detached from the fact they were actually my arms. Which is better than staring at my detached arms. Word play, it's ON!

Anyway, I think it was a lot to go through for a regular blood test.

I take a couple of meds for blood pressure and cholesterol. It's a pretty common cocktail. Whenever I start talking about it I'm always surprised how many of my friends are also in the same artery clogging, systolic and diastolic boat. I mean sure, I could drop a lot of weight and I'd be off both pills. But I'd have to have much more self-discipline, will power and respect for myself and my body. That's just crazy talk.

Anyway, every six months I go in for a blood test to make sure the Lipitor isn't acting like a meat mallet pounding my liver into ground round. Just one of the lovely possible side effects of cholesterol medicine, along with short term memory loss and, wait, what was the other one?

See what I did there? I still got it.

Now I'll be the first to admit I don't have the best veins, even though I do work my guns lifting those Double-Doubles up and down. And I've had excellent blood draws in the past. Sometimes it's over before I even know it's happened—which is the case with many things in my life.

Clearly this wasn't one of those times.

One of the downsides to being me, and despite how easy I make it look there are several, is that I have no problem watching while they stick me with the needle and make the draw. I know some people can't watch, but I have to. So I had a nice view of the technician moving the needle around, trying in vain to find the vein (sorry). After what seemed like forever, she decided to try the other arm. You see how that went. But somehow she managed to get enough blood out of me.

The good news is I don't have to go through it again for another six months or so.

Until then, I'll be working on getting in better shape. And by better shape, I mean taking more pictures of myself with the iPhone.

Failing the test

I love my mom. I love my dad. I think sons are the best thing ever. I think daughters are the best thing ever. I think cancer sucks. I'm a great friend. I support the walk. I think dogs have many better qualities than most humans. I think it's a good idea to donate blood.

But I also think I don't have to prove it to you.

Of all the annoying posts on Facebook - and there is no shortage of them - the ones that make me wish my eyes could roll further back are the ones asking me to re-post if I agree.

They're under the guise of a good cause, but the last line is always something aggressively patronizing and challenging like "I know many of my friends won't repost this, but I want to see who will...."

Screw you. Re-post if you agree.

Life is demanding enough without having to prove to you I agree with your cause. And if you think I don't agree with it because I'm not posting, I'm more than fine with that. I've lived through worse.

Plus if you feel you have to "test" me to see if I'll do what you want me to, we're probably not as close friends as you think we are.

Sorry, but you'll just have to trust that I'm a good person, and as a rule love my family and don't wish crippling diseases on anybody.

Besides, if you'd stop testing me to see if I'll re-post, you'd have more time to post things that are actually meaningful.

Like that sunset shot. Or what you had for breakfast.

What is glutton for punishment

I was just trying to think of something I could do to make people say, "I.Q. over 60? Please."

And I've come up with the answer (which may be the only answer I come up with - that'll be funny in a second). I've decided to do again what I've done so unsuccessfully before. I'm taking the contestant quiz to be on Jeopardy.

As you may recall, I posted here about how well it went the last time. But I'm older and wiser now. Well, at least older and fatter. And frankly I consider myself much better versed in European Capitals, Rivers Of The World and Renaissance Artists than I was last time.

The good news is in the test, I don't have to ring in with that impossible buzzer you see contestants wrestling with on the show .

Anyway, if you need me between now and tonight, you'll find me studying up on Civil War Generals, Architecture, "R"eal Words, and the ever popular Potpourri.

And of course I'll also be working on my interesting-yet-humorous-although-not-too-humorous 30-second story for when Alex briefly interviews me after the first commercial.

Wish me what is luck.