Shuttle diplomacy

Regrets, I've had a few.

Six years ago I was freelancing at Saatchi. That's not the regret. I'd started there for what was originally a two or three week gig, and wound up being there about three or four months. That used to happen a lot because I could always be relied on to get the job done, and my freelance strategy was to just keep showing up until they told me not to. Like all freelancers, I liked when gigs went on longer than I was booked for, because if there's one thing I love it's a day rate that keeps on giving.

I happened to be freelancing at Saatchi at two different times during two memorable events. One was the day they found out Toyota was moving their headquarters to Plano, Texas. They found out about it the same way I did—they heard it on the news that morning. The agency was buzzing about it when I got there, and management held a hastily thrown together staff meeting to reassure everyone the move wouldn't happen overnight, everyone was safe and to not worry about it.

What the meeting actually did was reassure everyone management didn't have the slightest clue what was happening.

The other event was the landing of the Endeavour Space Shuttle at LAX before its drive to the California Space Center. This was a big deal for Saatchi and Toyota, because they'd sold a commercial—and ponied up some of that Toyota money they printed in the basement—where a Toyota Tundra was going to tow the shuttle a very short distance part of the way between LAX and downtown on its journey to its permanent exhibition space. This was to show that if you bought a Tundra, had a specially made hitch, connector, trailer and several NASA engineers and production assistants, you could also tow a space shuttle should the opportunity present itself. As it does.

The door to the roof of Saatchi's building was unlocked, so when the shuttle was coming into the airport on its final approach, everyone went up there to watch the landing.

Since Saatchi is in Torrance, not far from LAX, it was a great view of the NASA 747 carrying the shuttle piggyback, and the two fighter jets escorting it. Plus if you looked down, you could also see the entire shopping mall parking lot Saatchi sits in the corner of.

After seeing it land, I decided I desperately wanted to be one of the thousands lining the streets over the next few days as the orbiter was towed downtown.

I've had a few once-in-a-lifetime experiences in my time. I met and became friends with Groucho Marx. I snagged sixth row center tickets to see a certain gravel-voiced singer from Jersey in his broadway show. I had floor seats at SNL, hung out backstage and went to the after party as a guest of my friend Kevin who was one of the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time players. I hung out with my friend Holland Taylor backstage at Lincoln Center after a Tony-nominated performance of her one woman show ANN. I played Barrel Of Monkeys with Helen Hunt at the VFW in Ponca City, Oklahoma when she was shooting Twister.

It's important in life (here comes the life advice, stop rolling your eyes) to recognize real once in a lifetime experiences when they happen. And I figured seeing the shuttle rolling down neighborhood streets was going to be one of them.

I watched the coverage on TV with my daughter, and kept telling her we should go see it in person because nothing like this was ever going to happen again. For reasons I don't remember now, I either wasn't able or decided not to go. In case you couldn't tell, that's the regret.

Today however, I was able to somewhat remedy that missed chance by going to the Science Center with the wife to see Endeavour for the first time since it arrived. I know it's been six years, but you know, life in progress. My daughter wound up seeing it years ago with her class on a field trip, and now it was my turn. Not to see it with her class, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, it was magnificent. I'm not gonna lie. I got choked up. It genuinely felt like I finally stopped denying myself something I really wanted, as well as a dream come true.

Just like my high school girlfriend.

The wife and I watched the Journey Into Space 3D IMAX film before walking into the Endeavour exhibit. And the idea that this, the most complicated machine ever built, that we've seen take off and land so many times over the years, has come here after having been in space orbiting around this little blue ball of a planet was almost too much to take in.

In a world that's felt like it's been crumbling since January of last year, and with ignorant, fearful men trying to convince the nation that science is something as evil as they are, looking up at Endeavour gave me a feeling I haven't had in a while: hope. It restored my faith that mankind's intelligence, ingenuity, curiosity and never ending need to keep exploring ever further might still prevail, and guide us all towards our better selves.

Just like the hope I had that Saatchi's roof door wasn't locked when it closed behind us.

The stupidest thing anyone's ever said to me in advertising

It doesn't matter whether they're just starting out or seasoned pros, every copywriter and art director I know has a "stupidest thing anyone's ever said" story. In fact, there are a bunch of websites like this one devoted entirely to stupid things people in the business say.

People more frightened, more practical and more employed than me have said I shouldn't name names, because "You never know where you'll wind up and who knows who and blah blah blah..."

So I won't name names. I'll leave clues. See if you can get in touch with your inneR Colombo and figure out the genius who said it to me.

Here's the thing. I was freelancing at this big agency that prints money off its one main automotive account. I'm tempted to tell you the name of the agency, but those same people who say I shouldn't name names also say I shouldn't name agencies, so I won't.

Saatchi.

I was writing the brochure for the 2007 Toyota Matrix. Now brochures aren't something that put a big smile on any copywriter's face. However they do put a big deposit in their bank account, so thank you very much and I'm available for any and all of your automotive brochure needs.

I mean I don't want to sound mercenary about it, but it is freelance. What do you need, a roadmap? Anyway, it's kind of the same way I feel about agency tItles. They're pretty useless. I really don't care if you call me creative director or janitor. As long as you say it with cash.

But I digress.

The person who'd hired me and another freelance writer named Lori neglected to tell us he'd given notice. So the second week we were there, he was gone. Which was fine. Lori and I are both senior people, and we just carried on creative directing each others work and getting the job done. One part of the job was that Matrix broChure. I'd written it, it'd been routed and was virtually on its way out the door.

Right at that point, a freelance associate creative director (speaking of useless titles) was brought in to oversee the work until someone permanent was hired.

Again, not naming names, but I Hope you're reading closely.

This acd (lower case intentional) stopped the presses and wanted to review all the Copy.

This is where it gets good.

In the brOchure I talked about the cargo space in the Matrix, mentioNing all the different kinds of things you could carry in it. It was something along the lines of three mothers-in-law, two surfboards and eighteen wiener dogs.

The wiener dogs are what did me in.

The project manager told me that the freelance acd, who'd been on the job and immersed in the culture of Toyota and Saatchi for a staggering total of two days, wanted to talk to me about the copy. I asked what the problem was, and she rolled her eyes and said I'd better speak to him myself.

So I called him. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hey, what's up?

Him: I wanted to talK to you about the Matrix copy.

Me: Okay.

Him: Here, where you say "wiener dogs", you're talking about dachshunds right?

Me: Yep.

Him: Well there could be some confusion between that and hot dogs. (by the way, that wasn't the stupid comment, although definitely a close second).

Me: I don't think it'll be a problem. Look - you're a bright guy, you figured it out.

Him: Well, the other thing I'm really worried about is that PETA might come after us. (THAT was the comment.)

I couldn't help myself - it just came tumbling out.

Me: Are you f#$&ing kidding me?!

Him: Well you know Toyota is a big target with deep pockets, and I'd hate to have PETA all over us for this. (Third runner up.)

Me: First of all, driving small dogs in a car isn't animaL abuse. And second, I'm pretty sure PETA has better things to do than go looking through Matrix brochures for things to sue over.

Him: Alright, I'm still worried, but go ahead and use your best judgement.

Me: I already did, but thanks.

Now I know I sounded a little hostile. But the stupid needle was way in the red, and, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I have a low threshold. Especially when it's coming from the new kId on the block.

Funny thing is apparently the new kid had a low threshold for my hostility, and the next day, out of the blue, my services as well as Lori's were no longer needed.

So there you go. It would've been nice to finish the gig, but judging from this one conversation we both had sized up each other pretty quickly: he was going to continue to say unbelievably stupid, chickens#&t comments, and I was going to keep calling him on it.

I don't know if this person is a good writer or not. I know he's had a lot of automotive experience. I may have just been on the receiving end of one incredibly stupid comment in an otherwise brilliant career. And now that some time has goNe by, even though I know there's no chance he's reading this, I want him to know I wish him luck no matter where his journey takes him.

Unless it takes him to an agency I'm working at.

Then I wish he just shuts his trap and gets out of the way.