FAQ this

It's become as much of an accepted acronym as LOL, OMG, WTF, SMH, IMHO, SWIDT (my personal favorite) and TBT. I'm speaking of FAQ.

It stands for Frequently Asked Questions, and you'll find a link to it on virtually every company website you visit. There you'll find the same questions every other person in your situation asks over and over, along with many no one asks. It's supposed to be a convenient way to get answers when you need them.

The operative word is supposed.

From personal experience, I think a more appropriate name for these sections would be FUQ - Frequently Unanswered Questions. More times than not, they don't even come close to addressing the issue at hand.

In those instances, I'm made to go to the contact section, where I then have to spend time tracking down a phone number to reach a voicemail thread to find an extension to leave a message for the assistant of the person who might be able to answer my question. Right after they route my call through the customer service rep in Kuala Lumpur.

Or I could just let it go. But if you know anything about me, and really, if you've been following this blog for any amount of time you should know everything about me, you know letting things go just isn't in my wheelhouse.

Usually what winds up happening is I don't get an adequate answer—meaning the one I'm looking for—and then I sit my ever expanding derriere down at the laptop and fire off a Jeff Letter to the CEO of whatever company I'm having the dispute with.

To help you get your questions answered, and because I'm a giver, here's my FAQ section regarding Jeff Letters.

Should I send my letter email?

I don't usually send an email. When I have an issue I want the top dog to take seriously, in my experience a letter on my personal stationary, sent snail mail, with a Harry Potter postage stamp seems to have more heft and impact. Emails are easily ignored. CEOs like clean desktops, they don't want hard copy letters lying around. If you're out of Harry Potter stamps, use the Star Trek ones.

How do I know they'll give me the answer I want?

I always ask for the order. I don't leave it up to them how to resolve the situation. With full bluntness and tone that lets them know I mean business but isn't overly aggressive, I ask for what I want. That way they know what I'm expecting. Most of the time it works, and many times they'll even go above and beyond to make sure they keep your business.

What do I do after they've gotten back to me?

Once they've replied in a positive manner, and taken the action I've asked for, I make a point of sending a follow up letter thanking them. They get complaint letters all the time. Complimentary ones are a breath of fresh air for them, and will help get you remembered should you have to contact them again. Besides, in letters, as in life, manners count for a lot.

Does your personal website have an FAQ section?

As a matter of fact it doesn't. I use this blog to answer most of the questions I get.

What if I can't be bothered to follow your blog?

You don't really want to hear my answer to that.

What is glutton for punishment

I was just trying to think of something I could do to make people say, "I.Q. over 60? Please."

And I've come up with the answer (which may be the only answer I come up with - that'll be funny in a second). I've decided to do again what I've done so unsuccessfully before. I'm taking the contestant quiz to be on Jeopardy.

As you may recall, I posted here about how well it went the last time. But I'm older and wiser now. Well, at least older and fatter. And frankly I consider myself much better versed in European Capitals, Rivers Of The World and Renaissance Artists than I was last time.

The good news is in the test, I don't have to ring in with that impossible buzzer you see contestants wrestling with on the show .

Anyway, if you need me between now and tonight, you'll find me studying up on Civil War Generals, Architecture, "R"eal Words, and the ever popular Potpourri.

And of course I'll also be working on my interesting-yet-humorous-although-not-too-humorous 30-second story for when Alex briefly interviews me after the first commercial.

Wish me what is luck.

Feel like an idiot for $100 Alex

Because I don't have enough things to make me feel stupid during the course of a day, I decided to take the test to become a Jeopardy contestant.

I'll wait a minute while you stop laughing. Done? Okay.

I've watched the show forever and always thought it'd be fun to be on. In fact I already have a funny anecdote about how I met Groucho Marx (oh yes I did) ready for when Alex conducts the awkward contestant interview with me after the first commercial break.

Since I seem to do well questioning the answers when I'm watching from the comfort of my couch, I thought there was a chance I'd do just as well if I were actually on the show.

Self-delusion and denial are two of my better honed qualities.

Of course if the categories were Godfather Movies, Springsteen, Pizza, Audi, German Sheperds and Bad Parenting, I'd have it aced.

To apply you take an online test of fifty questions made up from episodes that have already aired. You have fifteen seconds to answer each one, which isn't nearly enough time for internet cheating. Or so I hear.

Once you complete the test, you never get the results. In fact you never hear from them again unless they want you to be a contestant.

Watch for my Jeopardy appearance on this date.

What is the 12th of never.