New math

I have a high threshold for creepiness. I like horror movies. I want the teenagers to go into the dark cave. After the car breaks down in the rain on the deserted road, I can't wait for them to knock on the door of the creepy house. I love it when they don't know their shadows are moving independently of them. And toy clowns with eyes that follow them around the room? Yes please.

But I saw something on television this morning that creeped me out more than any movie has in a long time. This commercial for Mathnasium.

First of all, in the same way people who live in Anaheim never go to Disneyland, I almost never pay attention to commercials. However when the creepfactor is cranked up to eleven, it can't help but be a slow, drive by car wreck I can't look away from.

To quote Stefon, "This spot's got everything."

A pedestrian concept.

White-bread casting.

Bargain-basement CGI.

Needle drop music.

Giant A+ spray painted on the classroom wall (to go with the A+ on all the freakishly animated student sweaters).

Annoying voiceover.

Kid giving a thumbs up.

A token Asian cause, you know, math.

A maybe Hispanic kid and his maybe Hispanic mom.

A kid that says, "Awesome." Because that's how kids talk.

Not sure why, but for some reason for me the spot has an "It's a cookbook!" quality to it. Maybe it's the bad CGI on the badly animated students.

Here's what I think would help: if the kid at the end of the spot smiled and looked at his reflection in the car window. We'd hold for a beat, then his reflection suddenly turns into a killer clown, breaks through the glass and rips the little suckers' throat out.

I know, it probably wouldn't be good for enrollment. But you can't tell me it wouldn't add up to a much more memorable spot.

Cleared for takeoff

I've scribbled here before about fundraising auctions at my kids' high school. In fact, because they were so impressively written and made such an indelible impression, you probably recall those posts about the south central L.A.P.D. ride-a-longs I won in previous auctions.

If for some odd reason your memory fails you, now might be a good time to refresh it by reading this post. Or this one. Maybe this one. Who could forget this one? Some think this one was the best. I think this one was one of my finest. And of course, this one is a classic.

I think that's enough self-promoting for one post. Let's get on with it

Last night was this year's auction for the school. Since my kid's are in college and I don't have a horse in the race anymore, I find myself not having to go to their former high school events much. But my wife does work at the school, and she likes to show me off for the trophy husband I am. Plus the auction is an event I've always liked. So we went.

There are two parts to the evening. One is after dinner, where bidders raise their assigned I.D. numbers to bid on items the auctioneer is calling. But before that is the silent auction, where you add your bid to a list for a particular item. When that auction closes, the highest bid wins.

I see it. I guess the highest bid wins in every auction.

Sadly, there were no police ride-a-longs to win this year. However, there was a 90-minute experience in a 737 flight simulator which I wanted. And when I want something bad enough, I usually figure out a way to get it. I'm like the MacGyver of school auctions.

Anyway, the way I did it this time, and every time before, was by sniping. Since it was a silent auction item, I hovered around the list of bids until about thirty seconds before the auction closed. Then, at the last second, right before pens down, I wrote my number and bid on the list—$20 higher than the last bid.

BAM! Auction closed, and I'm on my way to pretend flying a 737 somewhere in Anaheim.

It's part of my Fly But Don't Get My License tour. Years ago, I took helicopter lessons. I have about 30 hours of airtime, but never completed getting my pilot's license. It's a long story. You can read about it here.

Ok, I snuck in one more self-promoting link. So sue me.

I'll be scheduling my 737 flight later in the week. I even get to take a couple people with me. Play your cards right, and maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones to join Captain Jeff on my flight to nowhere.

I can't guarantee it'll be a smooth one, but I can promise even though it's simulated it'll still be a lot better than United.