Where's Wilford Brimley when you need him?

Wilford Brimley takes a lot of heat because of those stupid Quaker Oats commercials he did years ago. I didn't like 'em either, but I get it: there ain't no shame in making the rent.

From The China Syndrome to The Firm to The Thing to any number of other films that start with "The", Brimley has had an interesting career chock full of exceptional performances.

The one I want to talk about here is the character he played in a great, too-little-seen movie called Absence Of Malice, starring alongside Sally Field and Paul Newman. Brimley played Assistant U.S. Attorney General James A. Wells, a no nonsense, straight-shooting public servant who was going to do what it took to get to the truth.

He didn't suffer fools lightly.

Speaking of fools, I was watching the Senate committee hearings and the testimony, such as it was, of Jeff "I do not recall" Sessions today. While I was, it dawned on me how much more streamlined and quickly the proceedings would go if Brimley's character was doing the questioning.

Have a read of some of his quotes, and see how easy it is to imagine how much better things would be going if he was in charge.

"Now we'll talk all day if you want to. But, come sundown, there's gonna be two things true that ain't true now. One is that the United States Department of Justice is goin' to know what in the good Christ - e'scuse me, Angie - is goin' on around here. And the other's I'm gonna have somebody's ass in muh briefcase".

"You had a leak? You call what's goin' on around here a leak? Boy, the last time there was a leak like this, Noah built hisself a boat."

"Tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna sit right here and talk about it. Now if you get tired of talking here, Mr. Marshal Elving Patrick there will hand you one of them subpoenas he's got stuck down in his pocket and we'll go downstairs and talk in front of the grand jury."

It only speaks to how surreal and desperate the current situation is that I'm wishing a fictional character would come rescue us.

But maybe it's going to take a fake person to get rid of a fake president.

Survey says

Since when did companies become clingy, needy little entities clamoring for approval of every interaction you have with them?

Oh right. Since social media.

Inevitably, every restaurant I eat at is waiting with a survey for me to take to rate them. And, to entice me into doing it, I also get a chance to win a $25 gift certificate! They explain it, circle the website on my receipt, and make it sound like my customer transactional obligations don’t end at paying my bill.

They want me to engage.

At least they don’t flame my inbox the way car dealerships, online merchants and even my doctors’ office does. After every single contact with any of them, invariably the next day in my email is a survey asking me to rate the experience - no matter how miniscule or insignificant it may be.

Look, I’m happy to tell companies what I think. If the service, product, meal or whatever has been spectacular, I’m the first one to sing their praises on Yelp. Conversely, if it’s been awful, then the CEO, President and a few board members of the holding company will get what’s affectionately come to be known as a Jeff Letter, telling them what went wrong and asking them to make it right (Jeff letters have proven to be an extremely effective way to get results – and no, I’m not writing one for you).

This Sally Field-ing (“You like me! You really like me!”) of the American corporation has to stop. If I want them to know about my experience I'll tell them. But for the love of God and all things holy, stop asking me at every turn.

I used to go out with this girl who’d ask me every time there was more than a five second gap in the conversation “What’re you thinking?” What I was thinking was I wish she'd stop asking me that question every five seconds.

This is all driven by the popularity contest that is social media. A platform for instant feedback, now companies have a way of inviting you to "Like" them on Facebook ("You like me!). The more followers, the better the company. Allegedly.

I hear Kleenex and Tide are tied at 8 followers each.

Anyway, that’s it for now. If you wouldn’t mind, please take a few minutes to rate your experience reading this post. Your comments will be used to help improve the quality and subject matter of future posts.

Just messing with you. No matter what you say, this is as good as it gets.