Hey sport

In case you didn’t know, I’m not a sports guy. Never have been. I know what you’re thinking: “But Jeff, you have such a ripped, awesome physique I would’ve thought you’d been playing sports all your life.”

First of all, thank you for noticing. And second, no.

But for some reason, once a year, during the World Series, I become an armchair fan. Especially when it’s the Dodgers v. Yankees.

Suddenly, I’m an expert on when and when not to take a swing. Miraculously I can call the pitches better than the umpires. I’m even starting to be fluent in the players’ names.

Then again, “Mookie” is kind of hard to forget.

I don’t go as far as wearing the team jersey, but I do yell at the tv from the comfort of my reading chair.

The cruel tease of my career (laughing for using the word “career”) is that at every agency I ever worked at without exception, I was always the copywriter who got assigned the sports tie-ins for clients. It's safe to say the most research I ever did for anything was going to the glossary for whatever sport I was writing about so I could speak in the language of the realm.

I do however love movies about baseball. Major League, A League of Their Own, The Natural, Moneyball, Bull Durham, The Rookie and, of course, Field Of Dreams.

For seven games a year, if the series goes that long, I’m all in.

When it comes to this post, it's the bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded. So instead of some snappy line or bad joke about covering the bases, I’ll leave you with my favorite speech ever about the sport, courtesy of the late, great James Earl Jones.

Now if I could just get the wife to bring me a Dodger dog.

It comes for us all

As my friend and colleague Grace says, it comes for us all.

I was starting to feel invincible. And why not? I’m vaxxed to the max, with the exception of the very latest update. I’ve gone through four years and God knows how many variants of covid without getting it. I was beginning to think maybe I was one of those rare humans whose immune system just took it out before I even knew it was there. When I’ve been informed by friends who came down with it that I was unintentionally exposed, it never laid a glove on me.

It comes for us all.

Last week I was in Sunnyvale on business. Felt great the whole time I was there. When I flew back Thursday I was a little fatigued, but chalked it up to not sleeping well in hotel rooms. I tested Thursday afternoon, then again Friday morning. Both negative.

But Friday was a really bad day. I felt like Wile E. Coyote after the anvil hit him in the head. Saturday morning’s test, as you can see, was positive.

It comes for us all.

I forgot to mention that the wife has it right now as well. She thought she had a slight cold when I left for my trip, and during the trip tested positive. So maybe I picked it up from her and it was incubating while I was away.

Marriage, amIrite?

I can’t take Paxlovid because it conflicts in a big way with another med I’m on. So I’m taking Lagevrio, another anti-viral that doesn’t have the bad interaction, but is about fifty-percent less effective. I’ll take it. Something’s better than nothing.

Doctors tell me I still have to isolate from my wife because she may have a different strain, and her viral load may be higher.

By the way, Viral Load. Great band. Saw them at the Troubadour in ’98. (You’re welcome Rich).

Alright, going back to my daughter’s old bedroom where I’ve been isolating, and going to finish watching Season 3 of The Bear. Again.

Should you catch it, and I genuinely hope you don’t, just lay low. Fluids and rest, fluids and rest, fluids and rest. Also Robitussen and Advil. And don’t feel bad about it.

It comes for us all.

Goodbye Jeff

I am devastated and heartbroken. My friend and advertising icon Jeff Weakley passed away suddenly this weekend.

I don’t remember exactly where Jeff and I met, but it was over thirty years ago. We were both longtime freelance copywriters, and our paths crossed at many, many agencies during those years.

When I met him, my first thought was, “How does he get away wearing shorts and a t-shirt to a freelance gig?” I was always more conservative in my attire – at least at the beginning. If you’ve seen me in the last twenty years you know caring about what I wear to work was just a phase. And now that I work remote, it's not even a notion.

Jeff was an outstanding writer, and an even more outstanding human being. It was always the best surprise running into him at work, hearing his insights, and being on the receiving end of his wicked sharp wit.

Not to mention seeing the example he set, and trying to live up to it, for being the world’s best girl-dad.

Jeff also put the word “raconteur” into my vocabulary rotation. His earlier website and freelance biz was named Raconteur Advertising. The nav bar on the site was Jokes. Poems. Propaganda.

There wasn’t anything he couldn’t put his own personal, interesting spin on.

Jeff also wrote me the loveliest recommendation on LinkedIN. If you’re so inclined you can see it on my profile from Les Guessing, Jeff’s alter ego.

He was also one of those guys in advertising virtually everyone knew, and had more than a good word to say about.

Jeff was only sixty-four years old. He was just getting warmed up.

I'll miss hanging, laughing and working with him. And I can’t help thinking how much better this post would’ve been if he’d written it.

God bless you Jeff. Thank you for having me in your circle and making my life richer. Rest in peace.

Unstuck

Letting go. It's never easy.

Case in point: a week ago, thanks to the record-setting stock market (Bidenomics bitch!), I was able to sell some shares and treat myself to my first brand new car in seventeen years. German car, expensive to maintain, expensive to repair, ridiculously expensive to own.

What the hell. I'm not taking it with me. And as the wife said, "Life is short. Buy the car."

The point is in purchasing my new wheels, I have to let go of my old ones, a fourteen-year old Lexus ES350 with over 155,000 miles on it. While I was initially thrilled at jettisoning the Lexus, I started thinking about all the times of my life that car has been a part of.

Driving the kids to school.

To rehearsals.

To game practice.

Nights out with the wife.

Emergency trips to urgent care or the ER. Fortunately not many of those.

I'm not gonna lie: thinking about the outgoing car in that light got me more than a little misty. It shouldn't come as a surprise. If you know anything about me, and if you don't by now then I just don't know where we go from here, you know I'm a sap.

I cry at Hallmark commercials. I never had a chance.

Because I have a new car, and a new windshield, I also have to say goodbye to something else I've been holding onto for the last two cars I've owned. My Chiat/Day parking sticker.

I always loved the Chiat sticker. The pirate culture it represented. The skull and crossbones shadow it made at high noon on the dash. The bragging rights it gave me. And the fact I could visit Chiat weeks after I was done freelancing there, park unnoticed amongst them, and sneak upstairs for one of their great breakfast burritos from the in-house restaurant.

I'm not proud. But on a stack of bibles, it was a pretty fuckin' great burrito.

When I was still working at agencies, before finding the most awesome client side job ever, that little blue sticker was also proof positive, tangible evidence, something I could point to whenever I'd play the Chiat card.

Which almost everyone who works or worked there does at one time or another.

The sticker's faded now, and years of sunlight exposure have given it a little curling around the edges. And just like the velcro strips that hold my FasTrak transponder, or the Magic Castle member parking discount sticker, the time has come to lower the pirate flag, and let go of the Chiat sticker.

All to say that if you want to sneak in for a breakfast burrito, we're going to have to take your car.

Don’t forget to stop at the gift shop

I like to think of myself as a rather cultured individual. I have an annual pass to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA). I’m a member of the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures. I’m on a waitlist to see the infinity mirror room at The Broad. I’ve enjoyed my many visits to the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA). And I make it a point to visit the Whitney whenever I’m in New York to take in the brilliant isolation, loneliness and realism of urban life that only Edward Hopper can convey.

I don’t know why I relate to Hopper so much, but the feeling of hopelessness and futility in his characters hits home with me. I have issues. Another post.

Anyway, despite the fact I’m just lousy with class, I have to admit I’ve never visited what could arguably be called the most interesting museum of all: the Poozeum in Williams, Arizona.

Or as their webpage says, “The Gateway to the Grand Canyon!” Whatever.

The Poozeum collection is made up of thousands of fossilized dinosaur droppings, including, as the website says, “ the wateringly huge ‘Barnum’.”

Interesting adjective.

You can even snap a selfie with a replica of a 4-foot wide titanosaur poop.

Honestly if I wanted a picture with a giant piece of shit I’d just go to a Trump rally.

Look, people can spend their money any way they want. And if a room full of dino droppings is their idea of seeing the sights, then have at it.

So enjoy your visit to the Poozeum. And if you happen to stop by the gift shop to pick up a little something for me, I’m fine with a tee shirt or poster.

Just not a paperweight.

The cars

I bought a new car over the weekend. I'll keep you in suspense until I actually take delivery, at which point I'm sure there'll be a post about it. But it got me thinking about a couple of things.

One is that no matter how faux friendly the salesman is with their mimicing technique-"You have a German Shepherd? I grew up with German Shepherds." "You used to live next to the beach? I live a block from the water." "So you like Breaking Bad? Best show ever!"—the car buying experience is awful.

Again, details for another post.

The other thing it reminded me of was all the cars I've owned.

Like the 1965 Plymouth Fury. It was my first car and it was an eight-cylinder beast. It ran great when it ran, which was usually about ten minutes at a time before something broke on it and had to be fixed. My parents bought the car for $500 from my cousin Mark, who I don't think I ever saw again after that. Wonder why?

By the way, the Fury was my first and last American car. Sorry Detroit, you had your chance.

Then there were the VWs. First was a 1971 Orange Super Beetle. I can still hear the gas sloshing around over my lap when I came to a stop since the gas tank was in front. That car got wiped out in a bad accident which left me with a little souvenir you can read about here.

Anyway I swore I'd never own a VW again, much less an orange one. That was right up until my 1973 Karmann Ghia called to me from the showroom floor. I loved that car, but what I didn't know is that it had originally come from the east coast. I found that out when the rocker panels started disintegrating. Rust never sleeps.

Just as a side note, when I met the wife she was driving a 1972 orange VW convertible, fully restored. Coincidence? I think not.

With my 1980 Celica, 1986 Supra, 1999 Land Cruiser and 2010 Lexus ES350, Toyota was well reprensented in my garage over the years.

Of course I speak metaphorically. There hasn't been room for a gnat's ass in my garage since the wedding. I'm not naming names.

There was the 1986 Mercedes E190 we bought from the wife's grandma in 1994. It was eight years old and had 12,000 grandma miles on it. There was a four and a six-cylinder model, and grandma had the four. It was like driving a brick, but the car didn't have the power to get out of its own way. Neither did grandma.

Then there was the 1995 Volvo 960 Wagon, which despite being the longest car I ever owned, could turn on a dime in the middle of the street. Volvo made its chops selling safety. They should've been selling turning radius.

My second experience with a Swedish car brand was the Saab 90 I bought off my friend Rob. It was a stick shift, and was technically my son's first car. But I was the one who wound up driving it the most, zipping around town and reliving my VW days when I learned to drive a stick. You know, real driving.

My 2000 Audi A6 was great right until it caught fire, which actually was a more pleasant experience than having the oil changed at the Audi dealer (there may be a hint there as to my new car).

Now you're up to date on my wheels. Or you will be when I post about the newest addition soon. And if you're keeping score on colors, it's one blue, two orange, two silver and six black.

They say the car you drive says a lot about you. Mine say, "Oh yeah, I'll have one of those."

Stop me if you've heard this one

In the ad biz, there’s a constant drive and desire to be different. To position brands in a unique way with a distinct voice that can only belong to them—even if it’s a parity brand and there’s a million others like it on the market. Been down the bottled water aisle lately?

Ironically, that same drive for differentiation seems to quickly fall by the wayside when it comes to quotes about landing the job.

A recent perusal of AgencySpy.com, which I almost never look at anymore now that I’m gainfully and gratefully employed client side, shows a striking similarity in suck up sentiment that almost makes me think they were all written by ChatGPT.

Except I think ChatGPT has more self respect and doesn’t know how to make that sucking sound. Yet.

Here’s what I’m talking about—and by the way, the agency and employee names have been, using a DOJ term, redacted to not embarrass them any more than they’ve already embarrassed themselves.

“We create meaningful change for everyday brands that reach well beyond 30-second spots,” said XXXXX in a statement. “So, we’re making sure we bring the same level of emotional engagement and entertainment to a digital or instore campaign that we do to TV. I’m proud of our ability to keep the full spectrum of communications in mind with everything we create.” - ECD

Meaningful change. Emotional engagement. Full spectrum of communications. If there’s an awards category for “Buzzwords we think the client wants to hear” this one’s definitely a contender.

“Finding the sweet spot between what audiences and brands want is the key to modern growth planning,” said XXXXX in a statement. “I’m excited to build even more of that muscle out at XXXXXXXXXXXXXX to help our clients grow.” – Global Chief Audience Architect

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Is it the bullshit title of Global Chief Audience Architect that wreaks of calling the janitor a “Sanitation Engineer” or do I begin with “Finding the sweet spot between what audiences and brands want…” Here’s a flash for you Chuckles: audiences want advertising that’s entertaining, doesn’t pound them over the head and is worth thirty seconds of their time. What they don’t want is a screen takeover when they’re car shopping online. But it is nice you want to help your clients grow. Kinda the price of entry, amIrite?

“I am thrilled to join XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and to work on XXXXXXXXX, one of the greatest brands in the world. The level of creativity in the XXXXXXX brand across so many global markets, and the way in which XXXXXXX drives culture, make this a dream opportunity for me,” – Global Chief Creative Officer

Well, I have to hand it to him. He got the clients name in the quote three times.¬ Of course, since it’s a car company he’s talking about, I’m guessing a lot of intention went into the term “drives culture.” I’m happy for him that he finally got his dream opportunity to work on “one of the greatest brands in the world.” Maybe his world, not mine.

“I’m passionate about creating the right conditions for the agency, our people and our clients to do their very best work to help change the world.” – EVP/ECD

And finally, the “change the world” quote. Every agency has one. This is like going to the racetrack, betting on the three-legged horse with crutches because that’s obviously the winner. Alright, so analogies aren’t my strong suit but you see where I’m going. Every agency wants to change the world, and so few of them do. Apple and Chiat did with 1984, the perfect blending of product (which actually didn’t come out until a year after the commercial), message and execution.

I do sympathize though. It’s never easy coming up with a quote that will age well when you’re asked for one. Which is why my standard replies no matter what the question, is “Measure twice, cut once.” Or “I’m not the guy to ask.”

You can quote me on that.