You can finally unclench your leather-gloved fists, exhale that long-held sigh of relief, and maybe, just maybe, start using your turn signals. Why? Because Tesla drivers have officially stolen your crown as the most insufferable, self-entitled assholes on the road.
Congratulations Tesla drivers on achieving the impossible: making BMW drivers look humble by comparison.
If you’ve been on the road lately, you’ve probably noticed Teslas zipping around, silently judging your gas-powered existence from inside their tech-on-wheels spaceships.
Their inner vibe screams, “I’m saving the planet!” Their outer vibe screams “Look at me, I’m an asshole!”
Apparently all the people leasing or that have shelled out money for their Tesla are blissfully ignorant about how famously unreliable they are. From Model 3s randomly deciding to burst into flames (bonus: free fireworks!) to battery replacements that cost more than the GDP of a small country, Teslas are basically expensive, rolling dice with a touch screen.
It would be a dereliction of duty to write about Tesla and not talk about the Cybertruck. How ugly is it? It’s so ugly, the Plymouth Aztec sent Tesla a thank-you note for taking the heat off.
Apparently Musk took one look at every basic principle of car design and said, “Nah.”.
And yet, people are actually buying this thing. Why? Because it’s the automotive equivalent of wearing a t-shirt that says, “Ask me about my bad decisions.” Nothing screams “I have too much disposable income and zero taste” quite like rolling up to a coffee shop in a truck that could be outmaneuvered by a shopping cart.
Of course let’s not forget the man behind the curtain (WICKED reference-see yesterday’s post).
When you buy a Tesla, you’re not just getting a car that might glitch and send you hurtling into a guardrail, you’re also funding Elon Musk’s endless parade of bad takes and worse ideas. Want to support someone who uses Twitter as a platform for dabbling in casual racism, misogyny, and vague threats against democracy? Then Tesla is the brand for you.
So, BMW drivers, take that deep breath. Sure, people might still assume you’re a jerk when they see you coming, but at least now you can point and say, “Hey, I cut you off, but at least I’m not driving that.”
Tesla drivers, welcome to the top of the jerk food chain.
Your cars may be quiet, but your egos? Deafening.
