What the hell happened to Joe Pesci

You read a lot about how hard it is for women over 40 in Hollywood. And no doubt it is. It's a town and business that eats its young, which explains all the nipping and tucking going on.

But seriously, what the hell happened to Joe Pesci. He's looking like My Grandpa Vinny.

I know the realities and ravages of time, but I simply don't want to think of Pesci looking this old. In my mind's eye, he's still cousin Vinny. Joey in Raging Bull. Tommy in Goodfellas. Nicky in Casino.

I guess the beauty of film is that in a moment captured in time, he'll always be those guys no matter how old he is. And they'll always be as close as Netflix.

Looking at the glass half full - which if you know me is exactly the way I operate - I suppose his age and different look will now open up a range of new parts that wouldn't have been available to him earlier in his career.

Maybe Richard Gere and Tommy Lee Jones can give him some pointers about that.

Still, it's somewhat jarring. We all have different markers for time passing. Kids growing up, friends getting older. For me, one of the strongest is seeing an actor I haven't seen in awhile who's seemingly aged suddenly.

I say suddenly, because it's not as if I'm getting any older. I can't figure it out.

Mob seen

My kids occasionally go away for three-day weekends. I'm never sure exactly where they go - camp, retreat, rehab. Wherever the hell it is, I know I sign the check for it. Usually it's one of them at a time, but this past week the stars aligned just right and they were both gone at the same time, leaving my wife and I to our own devices for three days.

Naturally we took the opportunity to engage in some adult activity that's difficult to do when the kids are around.

We had a non-stop Sopranos-thon.

I don't know how long HBO has been showing reruns of The Sopranos, but I stumbled onto them last week. Monday through Friday afternoons, we record the shows. This weekend we caught up with all of them.

Not sure what season it is, but we're at the part involving Ralphie played by Joe Pantoliano (Joey Pants to his friends). I don't remember every detail from the first time around, but I do remember it doesn't end well for Ralphie. Also Christopher's wife Adriana has just found out that her new best friend is an FBI agent who's been taping her. I don't want to go into to much detail about how she reacts when she finds out, other than to say projectile vomiting is always a nice touch.

It's an absolute pleasure to see the nuance, subtlety, loyalty and savagery of Tony Soprano and family living by their own bent rules while confronting the same problems we all do.

It's "leave the gun, take the cannoli" television at its best.

Tuft luck

His face may not look familiar. However if you live in Southern California, his voice definitely is.

This is Larry Miller, president and CEO of Sit 'N Sleep Mattress Superstores.

You've no doubt heard his radio commercials where he argues with Ira, his "accountant", about discounting the mattresses (SPOILER ALERT: Ira's against it). At the end of every spot, Ira utters his signature line, "You're killing me Larry!", and Larry signs off with his signature line, "We'll beat any price or your mattress is freeeeeeee!"

It's not the kind of creative work I usually respond to in a positive manner. Having said that, I have a confession to make.

I recently bought a bed for my daughter from Sit 'N Sleep. And today, I went there again with my mother-in-law to help her buy one. I know what you're asking: why did I shop there if I don't respond to the kind of advertising they do? The answer is easy.

I saved a mattress full of money.

It's always a fine line when it comes to consumers who also happen to work in agency creative departments. Here's what I mean. Let's take airline print ads. The creative side of me wants to see a clever, unexpected and just plain great headline, poetic copy and a clean yet evocative visual. That would be on a normal day.

But if I happen to be flying from L.A. to NY that week, I don't give a sh#t about any of that. I just want to see $99 each way in really big type.

Art and commerce. Science and instinct. Save and spend. It's a constant tug of war.

But I'm pretty sure Larry isn't losing any sleep over it.

AT&T Jew-verse

Everyone has to live with a certain amount of denial in life. Otherwise, we'd never cross a street, get on a plane or eat at Jack In The Box for fear of what could happen to us. It's how we manage everyday risk and emotion.

Since, according to this article, the average consumer can be exposed to between 3000 and 20,000 ads a day, and actually see and register about 250 of them, commercials - especially bad ones - have also become one of the things we have to deny in order not to be overwhelmed by them. Out of necessity, they become white noise.

It'd be a second career getting mad about all of them.

However, there is one commercial so bad, so hateful, so grating in the most primal way, I feel pointing it out is less of a gripe and more of a public service. It's this one:

Here's how I'm pretty sure the meeting went.

CLIENT: What do you think the kid should look like?

ART DIRECTOR: Well, he should be...

ACCOUNT PERSON: We were leaning towards a "New York" look. (actually does air quotes)

CLIENT: You mean Jewish.

ACCOUNT PERSON: Yes, you know, curly hair, big nose...

Laughter erupts in the room.

CLIENT: Can we have him say some Jew sounding words?

WRITER: Like fancy, schmancy or for cryin' out loud?

CLIENT: Yes!

ACCOUNT PERSON: (hamming it up - no pun intended) Oy vey, we'll do it.

ART DIRECTOR: Maybe an argyle sweater, so he looks like the old Je...uh, old "New York" guys you see in the jewelry mart.

CLIENT: I love it. What do they say?

ACCOUNT PERSON: Mazel tov?

CLIENT: That's it!

Laughter erupts again.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Jews on TV. I can even tolerate the stereotyping. But what I hate is a stale concept, long past its expiration date, that's been done a gazillion times before - in this case a kid talking like a wiser, older "New York" grandfather to kids slightly younger than him who, for some inexplicable reason, know how to act their real age.

And wagging the corn dog while he's talking must be a Jewish tradition I'm not familiar with.

It's frustrating because it's AT&T. A big client with a huge advertising budget and decent production dollars to spend, and this is the best they (and their 65-year old, Jackie Mason loving writer/art director team) could do.

Then, just to make sure there's absolutely no escape, they run the crap out of this spot. You can't turn on the TV without seeing it everywhere. Maybe the kid got them the air time wholesale.

The best advice I can give the team, or anyone else associated with this spot is that same advice that works managing life's risks.

If someone asks if it's your spot, deny it.

Kim Jong-un and a nice chianti

Cannibalism isn't something you run into a lot in real life. Sure there's the occasional Jeffrey Dahmer, or Rudy Eugene who liked to snack on homeless people, but I think it's safe to say it's frowned upon in most places by most people.

Unless those people are in North Korea.

According to this article, the sanctions against North Korea for being the bad boys they are have begun to take their intended toll. The already poverty stricken, brainwashed and fearful population is running out of what very little food they had to begin with.

Since Kim Jong-un, who, judging by his picture seems to be eating more than lady fingers (unlike his citizens who are eating lady fingers), has decided to put his country's money against military hardware and Hasbro rockets rather than food for his people, the people have been forced to turn to each other for sustenance.

And by turn I mean gently for one hour over a 450 degree flame.

Here in the US of A, where you can walk into a supermarket and get anything from fresh meat (which by the way is how North Koreans refer to their neighbors) to dessert toppings (the other way they refer to their neighbors), it's hard to imagine a situation so dire people have to resort to this kind of depravity just to survive.

But apparently some people can grasp it.

I just heard the Adele, Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell North Korean tour has been cancelled.

On retainer

Like a few of my high school girlfriends, retainers are not pretty, but sometimes they are necessary. Especially if you've spent thousands fixing your teeth and intend to keep them that way.

When I was a kid, I somehow managed to escape wearing braces. First of all, my teeth were always fairly straight (operative word is fairly - more in a minute). And, back then, braces were a subtle yet sturdy blend of heavy metals combined with chain link and eighty-gage wire. Also, my parents were struggling to make ends meet as it was, and braces were way down on the list below things like food and paying the bills.

However I was reintroduced to the world of braces when my kids needed them. Apparently brace technology - a term you don't hear often - has made big strides over the years. Materials are lighter, they blend with the tooth color more easily and, in fact, some are even almost invisible.

Hence the name Invisalign.

When I took my son and daughter to get their braces, I asked the orthodontist what it would take to correct my one tooth in front on the bottom that was overlapping another one. No one else had ever noticed or commented on it, but I had focused on it for years. When I would smile - which was a lot of the time, because as anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a happy-go-lucky, easy goin' guy - it's the only thing I'd see. The good news was he said it was a simple correction and could be done with Invisalign, a plastic brace molded to the shape of your teeth that you change every two weeks to accommodate the teeth moving. Sounded good to me.

Besides, once you're in for a few thousand on the kids hardware, what's a few thousand more?

After a year, my teeth were straight, bleached and beautiful. And I thought that was the end of it and I was done. All I'd have to do from now on was smile. But apparently I didn't read the small print.

Seems teeth, like creative directors, have a memory of their own and always want to retreat back to their original position. To prevent that, I had to wear top and bottom retainers at nighttime. When I asked how long, my orthodontist kind of looked down at his very expensive shoes I'm sure I paid for and said one word: forever.

Since forever is a long time I opted for the traditional plastic and metal retainers shown here. I'd be wearing them at night so no one except my wife would see them, and she was stuck with that "better or worse" clause. Also, I was fine wearing plastic during the day, but for some reason sleeping with it on my teeth bothered me.

To keep the retainers clean, I have to soak them for fifteen minutes every night in a glass of Efferdent Denture Cleaner. Nothing makes you feel young again like using denture cleaner for anything.

But let's not forget the point of it all (yes there is one). My teeth are straight, I'm happy and having to wear retainers each night is a small price to pay to keep it that way.

And when I say small price to pay, I'm speaking figuratively.

Rate of exchange

If you've followed this blog at all - and really, don't you have better things to do - you know that I've written here about the pure extortion the Ahmanson Theater practices if you want to upgrade season tickets.

Yes, I understand this is a terribly first world problem to have.

Anyway, the wife and I were supposed to go see Backbeat there yesterday. But as so often happens, once we actually looked at our calendar, we had a divide and conquer day which would leave both us getting home around five and in a state of complete exhaustion.

Once we realized this, we also realized we'd better exchange the tickets. As Ahmanson season subscribers, we have that benefit as well as the convenience of doing it online, as opposed to having to drive up to the box office and do it in person.

Their website not only lets you see available dates and select seats, it shows you the view from those seats. I wound up with center orchestra seats that are 10 rows closer to the stage. And they only cost $10 each more to upgrade from where our season seats are.

In my other Ahmanson post, I mentioned we donated $600 once and didn't get an inch closer to the stage.

So here's how the math works out: for four shows, if we're able to upgrade at least 5 rows for an average of $10 a ticket, it would cost us $80. Much better, and much less than any donation we'd have to be robbed of before they'd consider moving us closer.

Getting good seats at the Ahmanson has always been filled with intrigue, double-crosses, jealousy and greed. After all, it is the theater.

And where I used to have two words for the Ahmanson management that made it so hard to improve our seats after being subscribers for over a decade, after discovering this little loophole in their rules about upgrading I only have one.

Bravo.