Tsunami adjacent

One trick to making the day a little better when you’re working at an agency is to work at one that follows the tried and true first rule of real estate: location, location, location.

I’ve worked at agencies located in industrial parks, in the corner of run down shopping malls and alongside an airport runway. As I’m sure you know by now, I’m not particularly picky as long as – say it with me - the checks clear. But it is infinitely more pleasant to be someplace with a spectacular view to distract me from having to come up with the next earth shakin’, product movin’, sales increasin’, consumer viewin’, client pleasin’, award winnin’ banner ad.

Which is why I quite like where I happen to be working right now.

It’s an agency in Huntington Beach. I don’t have to get on a freeway to get here – I just fly down PCH from my house for about twenty minutes, and enjoy the view of the naval ships refueling, and rearming, at the Seal Beach Naval Weapons station. I try to count the bumper-to-bumper cargo ships backed up in the ocean because of last week’s dockworkers strike at the port. And then, a little further down the road, I watch the surfers and wish I were one of them. I don’t surf, and I’d probably get smacked in the head with my own board, drown and die, but you know what I mean.

This agency is spread out over four buildings, and the picture above is the view from the one in front. The one with the café. And the happy hour on Thursdays. And free breakfasts on Fridays. I file it under things could be worse.

Of course, being me, while I sometimes appreciate the full impact of gazing out at the ocean in the middle of the workday, another thought does cross my mind no matter how hard I try to keep it out.

It looks like this:

Now, this isn't the first time I've posted about tsunamis. About three and half years ago I put up this post. But when I wrote that post, I was just passing through. Now, I spend at least eight hours a day tsunami adjacent, not counting my leisurely lunches I love so much.

I don't think it matters if I see it coming or not, because either way, once it hits, I'm going to be one big, fat, soggy piece of humanity floating down Main St. past Sushi On Fire and the Pizza Lounge.

I just light up a room don't I?

Anyway, I'll enjoy the view for now and try not to worry too much about tsunamis.

On the bright side, it's Huntington Beach. I can always get a pair of board shorts in a hurry if I need them.

Moving experience

Here at international headquarters of Rotation and Balance, we've had quite a year so far. You may have noticed the postings have been happening at a feverish pace, and by that I mean more than one a month.

Also, with the staff additions (new refrigerator for the Corona Lights and a second-hand La-Z-Boy recliner), we've outgrown our current office space near the Port of Los Angeles, just east of the refinery.

C'mon, what did you think that smell was? (Don't say the writing).

Anyway, since this is the worldwide interwebs, and RNB is read by people as far away as Finland, Nigeria and Vladimir's hometown, the board of directors decided in a contentious 7 - 3 vote that headquarters needed a more international presence.

Randy Greenwood, former director of Arby's real estate operations has been brought on as our VP of International Real Estate Acquisitions. Welcome aboard Randy. Having been with Arby's for over 25 years, and having gone backpacking in Europe for three weeks with his high school sweetheart after graduation, we have the utmost confidence Randy will get us a space we can be proud of and continue to grow in.

Hopefully in a country without corporate income tax.

Anyway, his first few weeks have been spent negotiating for office space on the 148th floor of the Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building located in Dubai. He tells me they shot one of the Mission Impossible films there, although he's not sure which one.

I'm not really certain the desert is where I want to be. I sweat if it goes over 60 degrees, and frankly unless I'm lying down in sheets I don't look very good in them. White is not a flattering color on me. It just isn't.

But my objections may be moot after all. Our accountants at H&R Block tell me that the revenue generated by this site is well over seven figures. All zeroes.

Which probably means we'll have to say goodbye to our Burj Khalifa office space, and keep our international headquarters right here in the states.

Not to worry. Randy has been working on some contingency plans, and says he's found a space that may suit us in a very desirable mall on the edge of town, just on the other side of the tracks.

We've already got the people from Fastsigns scheduled to come measure for the brand new Rotation and Balance sign. It should look great between the donut shop and massage parlor.

Blame him

You want to know whose fault it is that I'm in advertising? It's his.

A long time ago, in a lifetime far, far away, I saw a job post on the UCLA job board for a position in the mailroom at an ad agency in Century City. I'd never given much thought to advertising, but I did give a little thought to paying my bills and my rent. So I interviewed for the position, turned on the charm and humor we all know and love and got the gig.

Come to find out the agency was Wells, Rich, Greene. And the creative director who arrived from New York shortly after I got there was Howie Cohen.

By the time Howie got there, I'm not sure which of my jobs I was on at the agency. I'd started in the mailroom, where I got to make my rounds, and talk with everyone every day. A social butterfly even back then.

Then I got promoted to running the stat camera (look it up) in the studio. Except it wasn't in the studio. It was in a small, badly ventilated room next to the studio. Since the camera used a lot of fragrant chemicals to develop the film, I'd have to hold my breath a lot, then run out of the room after I'd taken a shot of whatever camera ready art I was working with.

From there, I was bumped up to traffic person - excuse me, project manager. If you look in the Guiness Book of World Records, you'll see that I was the worst traffic person that's ever held the job. True fact.

Anyway, my grand plan, since I was a theater arts major, was to become an agency producer. I figured if I did that, I'd make all these contacts. I could get an agent and start my illustrious film career.

But a funny thing happened on the way to my three-picture deal.

One day, there were no creative people at the agency. A team was down in Rio on a shoot for Brittania Jeans. Another team was out sick. Yet a third team was at a client meeting. This all happened to be on a day when a Bran Chex print ad had to be written and presented. The account guy, a short man who looked like he was wearing those plastic glasses with the fake nose - except they were both his - was running around the agency trying to scrounge up someone to write the ad.

He called Howie, who wasn't in that day, and asked who he should get to write the ad. And Howie said "Give it to Jeff."

So I wrote it. While it didn't win any awards, I'm pretty sure it's still the best written ad for a high-fiber cereal Reader's Digest has ever run.

Shortly after that, Howie promoted me to junior copywriter. Honestly, it was thrilling. I was excited to be working with the team, Howie and his partner Bob Pasqualina, who had created the legendary "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" Alka-Seltzer commercial.

As you might imagine, earning his bona fides working in New York advertising during that time, Howie has many, many stories that only someone who lived it can tell. And nobody tells a better story than Howie. If you want to read some good ones, definitely have a peek at his blog MadMensch.com.

I'm happy to say Howie is still working his magic in the world of advertising. I'm still working mine as well, although so far nothing I've done has made it to the Advertising Hall Of Fame. Yes, I said so far. Keep hope alive.

Anyway, I don't know if I ever actually thanked Howie and told him how grateful I am for launching me into a career I didn't even know I wanted. But if I haven't, I'm doing it now.

And by the way, for all the creative directors I may work for in the future, if you don't like something I write, now you know who to talk to.

Driven to it

The older I get, the more I think I shouldn't start blogposts with "the older I get." It just makes me think about how old I'm getting, then I get depressed and want to move on to something else.

Instead, I'll start with the longer I do this...no, no. Wait a minute. That just makes me think how long I've been doing this. Not that writing blogposts is something I mind doing - I quite enjoy it.

There are things I enjoy more of course. I could give you a list of things I enjoy more.

Speaking of lists, I find it's always easier when I go shopping to make a list and stick to it. If I don't, then I shop with the if one is good two is better approach, and wind up coming home with bags and bags of groceries and household cleaning items I don't want or need.

And what is it with all the laws outlawing plastic bags anyway? Seriously, they were easier to carry and I recycled them much more than paper ones. Some tree-hugger sees a plastic bag blowing across the freeway and now we all have to pay ten cents a bag for the paper ones. As if the ten cents a bag the stores now charge is going anywhere except their bottom line.

While we're talking about freeways, what's the deal with all the construction? Seems like by the time the new lanes and transition roads get built, traffic will have caught up and they'll be obsolete.

Here's a thought - what happens when we the word obsolete becomes obsolete? Then what word will we use to describe it? Makes you think doesn't it.

I think it's odd avocados are really a fruit. You never really see them in a fruit-friendly environment. Guacamole? On top of BBQ chicken salads at CPK?

Funny how some restaurants just go by their initials. We don't call Five Guys FG, but sometimes we call McDonald's Mickey D's or Club Mac. Which sort of sounds like Club Med.

Whatever happened to Club Med anyway? Their commercials used to be great, and the resorts looked awesome. I never liked the all-in-one pricing, although I see the appeal of it. I remember they had lots of resorts, but if I ever went to one I'd choose one out of the United States, because I'm already here and it wouldn't feel like traveling unless I went to another country.

Here's the thing about other countries - they have a different word for everything. In London, an elevator is a lift. In the U.S. a lift is a ride, except when it's not. Lift could mean carry. But why would you carry an elevator, especially up stairs? That doesn't make sense.

Time to write my post about distraction. Right after I catch up on the shows on my DVR.

Wow, look at that sunset...

After dark

This will be very deja vu-ish (funny, you don't look vu-ish) to my fellow copywriters and art directors.

You've been working for eight weeks on an important presentation to the client. The day of the big meeting finally comes. It's a Wednesday at 4pm. There's no immediate deadline, but this was the day and time everyone was available, so this is when it was scheduled for.

As the meeting goes along, the client laughs at the right places, nods their head and you're thinking how great it's going. Then just as you're all getting ready for Miller time, as you're walking out the door, the CMO asks if they can have a word with the management supe and the creative director.

When they come out of the conference room, the smiles are gone. So are any thoughts of Miller time. The clients you thought loved everything had a little problem with it. They hated everything. And they want to see new work in the morning.

The call goes out - everyone at the agency stay at the agency. Place your dinner order and cancel your plans for the night. You're there until morning, coming up with new ideas for the clients to hopefully like as much as they led you to believe they liked the first ones.

There are so many things wrong with this picture it's hard to know where to start. But I'll start here: What does it say about a client who knows you took a couple months honing to perfection the ideas you just presented, and then asks you for entirely new ones fifteen hours later?

It says they're an asshole.

Anyone who had any idea what it takes to do what you just did would realize it doesn't happen in that short amount of time. They're poking a dog with a stick. Watching you jump through the hoop. They're laughing, and not with you.

The other thing that's wrong with the picture is the agency agreed to do it. Without an ounce of self-respect, dignity or value for their own work, they cut themselves off at the knees and affirm to the asshole client the work they do really has no worth, since you spent months working on it the first time when you could've just come up with it overnight. Like the account leaders just told them you would.

There comes a point, at work, in life, where you have to - and let me quote the bumpersticker here - just say no. When you have to make clear you respect yourself even if they don't. That great thinking takes time. And the fourteen hours from 5pm to 7am is not that time.

I'm not saying you can't come up with something, you can. But at that time of night and level of burnout and exhaustion, when creatives are cracking each other up with bad Christopher Walken impressions, scrounging around for cold pizza and sleeping face down on their keyboards, it won't be anything either of you will be proud of.

Which only lowers their opinion of the agency further. It's a vicious circle.

Still, the same people that agreed to this insane request will be the ones high-fiving each other like overgrown frat boys just for the fact they managed to churn out something that, if there were any justice, would be sitting at the bottom of a birdcage. We've all been there.

I think anyone who knows me would agree that while I'm a joy to work with and for the most part a little social butterfly, I also have a short fuse and don't suffer fools lightly. Another thing they'd tell you is I don't have a problem saying no for the right reasons when everyone above me is saying yes for the wrong ones.

No matter what time of day it is.

The state of taxes

This is the second time in four years I've done a post about taxes. The last time was here.

Even though it's an annual event, and a subject everyone likes to bitch and moan about, I don't write about it every year because that way it's just a little less real.

Until April 15th. Then it's very real.

I'm fairly organized about things, which makes it easier to get ready for it. I have my friend Pam Ziegenhagen to thank for that. She probably doesn't even remember, but years ago when we worked together, she told me how she organized all her receipts in different categories in an accordion file. Then all she had to do was add up each section for tax time.

It was good advice, and I've been doing it that way my own self ever since.

But because I know I can wait until virtually the last minute and still pull it all together in about three hours if I have to, I have extra time to get my panties in a twist about getting it done. Which I always do.

I have issues. I never said I didn't.

So here's the thing - sometime in the next few days, I'll buckle down, go through my accordion file with all the past year's receipts like Pam told me, do a little addition, make a master list of totals for my accountant and be done with it.

Then, when I'm at my tax appointment with my accountant Ethan, we'll chat about all sorts of things and I'll stare at the Green Bay Packers posters he has in his office for about an hour and a half while he punches in the numbers in a way that makes everything okay.

Ethan does right by me every year, bless his little ten key.

I was going to end this post with somewhat of a reach. It was going to lead into something something Sherlock Holmes, and working purely by deduction. See what I did there?

Obviously I don't prepare nearly as well for ending my blogposts as I do for doing my taxes.

Graph paper

A few years ago, I had my day in court. Well, not technically in court, more like in my lawyer's office. But I did raise my hand and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.

I was deposed by opposing counsel in a legal action I was involved in. SPOILER ALERT: They settled with us for a nice chunk of change because we were right and they were wrong - we knew it, they knew it and the American people knew it.

Anyway, if you've never been deposed, I highly recommend it. Definitely an E ticket. First and foremost, it's a game of truth. But it's also a game of wits with opposing counsel. The adrenaline is flowing, and you have to be at the top of your game.

For starters, you shouldn't use the word game in each of the last three sentences.

Anyway, the court reporter who transcribed the deposition used this handy little machine: a stenograph. She had it connected to a laptop (Sony VAIO - apparently Apple hasn't cornered the court reporter market yet) running software that translated the shorthand she typed into real English on the transcript.

That means for each one of the fifty ways the opposing counsel asked me the same question, in the hope of tricking me into changing my answer, the court reporter had to type in my answer. I'm not under oath now, but I'd swear I saw her roll her eyes around the thirty-fifth time he asked. I know I did.

A lot of my friends and colleagues have told me I'd make a good lawyer. I'd like to think it's because they think I'm smart and have a keen legal mind. But it's probably more because they know I don't shy away from confrontation, and I've always enjoyed playing a big room.

It probably won't happen though. I mean, a Jewish lawyer? Whoever heard of such a thing.