Eye eye eye

Say the title fast. Funny, yes?

So here's the thing - if I knew the kind of gruesome images I'd have to look at while I was trying to find one for this post, I probably would've picked another subject. I won't go into detail. Just do yourself a favor: don't Google "eye" images. And if you must, do it on an empty stomach.

One night almost a year ago I was driving home with the family from somewhere. Actually it wasn't the family from somewhere. It was my family. Sorry that wasn't clearer, but English was never my strong suit. Ironic really when you think about it.

What was I saying? Oh, right.

While I was driving, out of the corner of my left eye I kept seeing this bright, white flash shooting by. I immediately figured my kids had something in the back seat they were using to reflect the bright spot across my field of vision, and I asked them to stop. My son said they weren't doing anything. But the flash continued and I got angrier, because I figured they were just being kids and pushing it.

We pulled up in front of our house, with them still insisting they weren't doing it. I was pissed. I got out of the car, slammed the door, and stood for a minute in the night, ready to read them the riot act for flashing a light in my eyes while I was driving.

Then I noticed the bright white flash was still there when I moved my eye.

Oops.

I immediately apologized to my kids, held them close and told them how much I loved them. I did this because I thought seeing bright flashes no one else could see couldn't be a sign of anything good, and I figured then and there that I probably didn't have much time left to tell them those things.

If they gave gold medals for jumping to conclusions I'd have a drawer full of them.

We went inside, and I immediately called my eye doctor. He said that while not a good sign, it didn't necessarily mean it was serious. Then he asked me a couple questions: had I noticed an increase in "floaters" in my eye.

Now whenever I hear the word floaters, I think of the dozens of movies I've seen, new and old, where the grizzled, veteran detective refers to the bloated body they fish out of the ocean or a river as a "floater."

Which is stupid, because one of those wouldn't even fit in my eye.

I may be getting off track here.

Anyway, he also asked me how bright, how many and how frequent the flashing spots were. Then he said to come see him the next day.

The big concern was retinal detachment. When you have a sudden increase in floaters, which I did, and start seeing bright flashes of light - or sparking as it's called in the eye biz - those can be signs of it. After dilating my eyes, he had a look inside. Besides all the floaters floating, everything was fine with my retina.

I won't bore you with the details (I may be past that point already), but the reason was apparently one of the floaters stuck to the retina, and every time it started to pull away, it caused the bright flashes (alright, I will bore you with the details).

Once I found out it was harmless, I just got used to it. Now, even though it's still there, I don't even see it.

At least in my left eye.

When I got up to pee at 5 this morning (I swear some nights I feel like a walking Flomax commercial), I was seeing the bright flashing again. Except this time it was in my right eye.

I didn't panic as much this time. I figured I at least had time to record a message to leave for my kids. Kidding. Sort of.

After going through the same drill - calling, dilating, exam, nothing to worry about - I can now relax and enjoy what's left of the weekend, even though it's cloudy outside.

Those clouds are outside, right?