The TSA is not the enemy

Hey, air travelers, it's a pat down not a prostate exam.

All this uproar over something you don't even have to have unless you opt-out of the body scanner, is ridiculous.

Seriously, a little light frisking with a chance of having the jewels brushed, and you're going to boycott? Jam the security lines at the height of holiday travel? Have at it. You'll be the most popular person on the plane, especially to all the people forced to wait in line behind you.

That is, of course, assuming you make your flight.

Go figure, but it's a pretty safe bet the airlines aren't going to adjust their holiday schedules just so you can take your stand, without your shoes on, at the metal detector.

When I used to commute to San Francisco from Los Angeles every week, one time the pilot taxied out to the runway, then turned the plane around and took us back to the gate because he felt a vibration in the engine he didn't like. They moved us off that plane and on to another one. There was this loudmouth jackass, as there always is, complaining how late he was going to be to his meeting because the pilot decided not to take a chance of the engine failing in mid-flight. I told him to feel free to stay on the plane.

It constantly amazes me how short people's memories are. Maybe they just don't read the papers, but there's actually a reason for the increased security.

All this uninformed noise about 4th amendment rights being violated, especially by a group of people who have clearly never read the 4th amendment, is really not making you look very smart on the evening news. Here's the Cliff notes on the amendment: it protects against unreasonable searches and seizures. Not sure why it's unreasonable to search people boarding planes when some people boarding planes are trying to blow them up. Yes, I know that's not you. But if the TSA could tell that just by looking, then you'd have nothing to complain about and their job would be a lot easier.

Here's a news flash: you still have the most important right - the one not to take an airplane if you don't want to. There are lots of ways to get where you're going that don't involve scanners or being frisked.

Oh, and for future reference, as a rule it's not a good idea to call someone within squeezing distance of the jewels a lot of names. After all, accidents do happen.

My recommendation to make things go smoother for you and everyone else in a hurry to board your flight would be to step right up, go through the scanner and be on your way. The line will thank you for it. So will the TSA.

If you opt for the pat down, or randomly get pulled out of line for one, I'd suggest approaching it with a sporting attitude. Say something like, "Frisk me baby!" or "How come I feel like having a cigarette?" or "I'm not happy to see you, that's my cell phone."

Not being an obstacle in the way of people traveling safely to their families would be just one more thing to be thankful for.

Safe travel to you and yours this holiday season.

Nighthawks at the Starbucks

Friday night arrived like a bleached blonde actress late for a premiere. I was glad she showed, but wondered what took her so long.

As I sipped on a something-cino at one of my branch offices of Starbucks, I decided to put the time to good use, open my laptop and work on this post. I didn’t have any idea what I wanted to say, but if I let that stop me I’d never post anything.

I paused a minute and realized I wasn’t the only sucker in the joint with an open laptop. The difference was mine was taking dictation, and theirs were taking orders that would never be served on dreams that would never come true.

It was late. Raining. The streets were slicker than the people driving them. Even so, you couldn’t see their reflections. Vampires don’t have any.

Looking out the floor to ceiling window, I appreciated how Edward Hopper-esque the view was from the outside looking in. Outside looking in. A point of view most of these night crawlers were used to.

The difference was Hopper was an artist. I was just a guy with a blog to write.

Still, all that foam and froth and rain and false hope put me in a mood. The kind people keep telling me to snap out of.

I don't know if it was the rain or the caffeine, but I decided it was time to rattle the cage. My cage. Clear the webs out of the corners and quiet the critics in my head. It was going to be a departure, designed to have people take notice. Deliberate. Some might say calculated. I never cared what they said. Why start now?

Serious. Thought provoking. No easy jokes. No witty entendres. It was going to be a thought piece, something pining the state of the human race and it’s puny significance in the bigger scheme of things. They say write what you know. I work in advertising don’t I?

Friday night had greatness about it. Potential. I’d seen it before once when it was passing through. But this time it brought luggage. It was planning to stay for a while.

Well, did you buy it? Nah, didn’t think so. Just funnin’ with you. Thought provoking? Please. Like you come here for that.

No, it’s just going to be the usual random, Andy Rooney like crap you’ve come to expect.

Anyway, the post you’re reading right now is not the one I posted from Starbuck’s. I didn’t post it from there because out of 7,000 Starbuck's I pick the one where the free wi-fi goes out. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Gone with the wind.

This Starbuck’s was near a college (aren’t they all?), so there were a lot of laptops open and struggling to find a connection. Just like their owners. (BAM! Insight on the human condition – deal with it!).

At first I thought I was the only one who couldn’t get on the interwebs. But as I looked around, I saw the equally frustrated expressions on the faces of my late night coffee companions.

Anyway, wrote this while I was there. Then posted it today, Saturday. From another Starbuck's.

Thought provoking, no?

No.

What am I getting into?

Who among us hasn't asked themselves that ominous question? I for one have asked it any number of times in my life.

On my wedding day.

Signing escrow papers.

Buying a German sports car.

Buying a German Sheperd.

Having children (still asking).

I think the fact that I'm a freelancer just puts me in more situations where it becomes a reasonable question to ask.

For example, I find myself asking it right after I get the phone call or email inquiring about my availability. Again when I hear their reaction to my day rate. Yet again after I cave and let them negotiate my day rate down - usually in tandem with, "What the f&#% was I thinking?"

Regardless of the account, even if it's something I want to work on, when I hear what it is the question comes up again.

It's always top of mind when I hear who they want me to work with, whether I've worked with that person before or not.

And if the office is a hellish, brain-deadening, soul-killing commute to a foreign and frightening land, for example Orange County, I ask myself the question on the crawl in.

Then, just before I enter the brick building, designer warehouse, high-rise tower, faux-hip loft, converted fire station, hotel or craftsman house where the offices are located, I pause for a tentative moment outside, look at the doorway I'm about to go through, and ask it again.

But here's the thing: the question itself is a cruel tease. Because it can't be answered until you're actually there.

Of course by no means does that imply everyone won't try to answer it for you. But it's really one of those questions, like, "How much of this can I take?" "Is it worth the pain?" and "Is Super Shuttle hiring?", that only you can answer for yourself.

If I'm being honest with myself, and if you know anything about me you know that's something I hate doing, I have to say the answer I almost always arrive at is "something great".

I wonder if you asked yourself the question before you started reading this post.

It's okay. I don't need to know the answer.

The perfect gift

Christmas trees are in the stores and the holidays are upon us. And with them comes the ongoing debate I have every year with people who obviously have nothing better to debate about.

It’s the “Gift cards are not personal” debate.

Their side of the argument is a truly personal gift can only be defined in direct proportion to the misery I have to go through to get it. Hours searching for a parking space within a mile of the mall. Fighting holiday crowds. Looking for exactly the perfect gift for the person I’m giving it to.

You know the gift I'm talking about. The one that person’s had on their list all year. The one they’re hoping for with all their heart. The one they’ll be forever grateful and thankful to me for taking all that time and effort to find just for them.

There’s about as much chance of that happening as Oprah not going back for seconds.

My argument is this: I could buy you something I think you’d like, wrap it up, give it to you and hope you:

A Didn’t have it

B. Were looking for that exact thing since you first saw one

C. Know the in’s’ and out’s of a gift receipt.

Or I could just give you a gift I know you’ll love.

A gift card.

No one knows anyone well enough to make holiday gift-giving bulletproof. But there are stores – the Apple Store, Barnes & Noble, Starbuck’s, Target and Nordstrom to name a few – where everyone can find something they like.

And if they can't find it in those stores, not a problem. Every store has a gift card.

Someone in the family love Quarter Pounders? No problem. Want to treat them to a ride on Space Mountain? Couldn't be easier. Attention Walmart shoppers? You got it.

With a gift card, the one thing they never get is disappointed. Unless it’s a gift card from Kohl’s. Then, you know, why bother? Why not just send a card that says, “This is how little I think of you.”

This holiday season, be the Santa you were meant to be. Spread the joy to those you love.

Give the gift that says, “Get it yourself.”

I Got You Babe

I think people forget before there was Cher, there was Sonny and Cher.

While it's hard to remember now exactly how hugely popular they were, one thing no one can argue is that they're responsible for one of the most iconic, enduring and crowd-pleasing songs in pop music history. Bill Murray woke up to it every morning in Groundhog's Day. Mad Men just closed their season finale with it.

It's interesting to see the clip above when they were just starting out, and compare it against the one below when, many years later, they unexpectedly performed on Letterman. Despite the fact so much time and life had passed for both of them, it's a great moment.

Perhaps appropos (five dollar word - look it up) of their relationship by that point, the clip is just slightly out of sync.

And while you can argue that Cher may have moved on from Sonny, you can tell by the end of the song, and the fact he has tears in his eyes, he still holds her deep in his heart.

I admit I'm a sap. I don't mind saying I was getting a little misty myself.

The List

Here's the thing about upper management.

The guys at the top do not go down with the ship. They push people off so they can continue sailing.

They inspire a false sense of trust through breezy conversation and carefully parsed out praise. They conspire with you by whispering a risque joke, and sharing what appears to be a confidence but in reality isn't. When there's a grievance, they take you in their office, close the door, give you a well-practiced sympathetic and understanding look as they tell you how they feel your pain. Then they assure you that "if I could do something about it, I would."

Here's the lesson: despite carefully constructed appearances to the contrary, they're not your friend. But they act like it, as long as you're cost effective and the challenging comments you make or errors and stupid decisions you point out don't reflect directly on them.

As long as that's the case, then your position isn't on The List.

At this point you might be wondering what's triggered this line of thought. Don't worry, I haven't been fired (you need a real job for that to happen). Actually, someone I used to work for happened to cross my mind. Someone I believed to be my friend.

Admittedly it's a line that's easily blurred for me.

You'd think for as many times as I've seen The Godfather, I'd know by now - it's not personal, it's business. The thing is, because of the masquerade, it feels personal.

Here's the funny part: I still like this individual. Even though when given the choice, they wound up putting my name on The List. Which is the very reason I believe they're not my friend. See the conflict?

I hope this person is happy, and not in the "I hope you're happy now" sense. I mean it.

While I'm sure I'm giving this person much more brain time than they've given me since I left - or maybe even than when I was there for that matter - I can't help but feel a profound sadness that this was a person I thought was my friend, and who I counted on to have my back.

Turns out they did. Just not in the way I thought.

The unfriendly skies

Going to the airport shouldn't create the same sense of dread as, say, going to the Audi service department. Or the dentist. Or an audit.

There was an article today on Yahoo titled "America's Meanest Airlines." It listed the five surliest airlines in descending (no pun intended) order.

My question is why wasn't it a five-way tie? Are there any friendly airlines left? Does anyone enjoy flying anymore? Does anyone expect people who work at airlines to be pleasant? Can I fit anymore questions in this paragraph?

You can read the article to find out the criteria they used, but - *SPOILER ALERT* - here are the five worst offenders according to them: US Airways, American Airlines, Alaska Airlines, United Airlines (I thought they would've been a lock for first place), and finally, in the number one position, Delta.

Of those, United is the one I've flown most. I have over 375,000 miles with them I have to use before they expire. Or they raise the number of miles required for a seat. Or, even more likely, they drop the program entirely citing it as too costly.

When I used to freelance at FCB San Francisco (Foote, Cone & Belding for my non-agency readers), I commuted from Santa Monica to San Francisco. I'd fly up Monday morning and fly back Friday night. I did it for nine months and loved it. At LAX and SFO, I could get to the gate ten minutes before the flight. The gatekeepers (see what I did there?) knew me by name, and because I flew so much would often upgrade me without even asking. I know it's only an hour flight, but here's my philosophy: no flight too short for first.

Flying was actually fun back then, plus I liked the idea I could get to San Francisco from Santa Monica faster than I could drive to Irvine at rush hour.

But of course, 9/11 happened and changed the flying experience forever.

Nine years later, it's hard to figure out the astonishing lack of responsibility airlines take for their own situation. Like the stock market, lottery tickets and the Liberace Museum, owning an airline was never a guaranteed way to make money.

However, gouging flyers with fees on everything from carry ons to blankets to bathroom privileges apparently is. The airlines made billions in the last two years off these fees, whining all the way to the bank about how they need to make money somewhere because of high fuel costs, less people flying, etc.

What's the word I'm looking for here? Oh yeah. Bullshit.

The past two years, thanks to those fees, profits have soared. Airlines fly fewer planes that are more full than ever. The price of jet fuel has actually gone down. And seriously, if you can't make money in your chosen business, maybe you've chosen the wrong business.

The other thing is unruly passengers are a given. In the airline industry, you kind of know that going in. And while there's no excuse for passengers being rude, there's even less of one for airline employees to be. Things like opening the emergency door on the runway, giving everyone the finger, then jumping down the slide might make you a folk hero on Facebook, but that 15 minutes is over before you're even off the slide.

Airline employees say they're being pushed to the brink because the airlines are squeezing profits by cutting staff and trying to do more with fewer employees. Really? Name me a business that isn't.

My point, and yes I have one, is that it can be done. There are profitable airlines like Southwest and Jet Blue. There are airlines like Virgin America and Jet Blue (when their attendants aren't bailing out of the plane) that go out of their way to make the customer experience a great one.

For long cross-country and international flights, airlines know they've got us. There's no alternative. No one's going to be driving to Hawaii. But on short hauls, where airlines make a substantial portion of their income, there are plenty of options.

Unless airlines change their attitude, eventually their customers will reach the tipping point.

When that happens, all those nice profits they're enjoying now will be in a permanent holding pattern.