Bacon makes everything better

Sometimes answers to the most complicated problems are sitting (sizzling) right in front of you.

Since my annual vacation to the Hotel Del in August and snowballing right through the just-ended holiday season, it's been nothing but a non-stop food fest. And along with my scale, I have to say I've been a willing participant in all of it.

To paraphrase Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds, "We're in the business of eating. And business is booming."

While it may seem like it, all that holiday food isn't free. The price of it all is the stress of the season, the family jousts before, during and after dinner, the shopping conundrums that never seem to end and the overall deja vu-iness of the whole thing.

But you know what makes it all better? Bacon.

I know what you're thinking. Well here's the answer: I don't care. In the fight between Judaism and bacon, in this house bacon wins. And I don't even feel bad about it. You know why?

Because bacon makes everything better.

In fact, there's an entire website - jews4bacon.com - devoted to the whole "why not?" argument.

Well, it's actually less a website than a link to a store (go figure) with funny jews4bacon merchandise.

Crispy or greasy, dry or fatty (the bacon, not me), on a plate or a paper towel - it's all awesome.

The other thing is the nutritional value: it doesn't have any. So it goes with virtually every diet (that almost sounded like it made sense).

No matter how often I wave the bacon flag, the argument persists as it has for ages: can the concept of bacon be taken too far?

Hell, I was just jokin' with you. Of course it can't. Bacon toothpaste? Bring it. And if you bring it on a plate on top of a paper towel, even better.

Now, I don't want to seem insensitive to my vegetarian, vegan and PETA-sympathizing friends. I understand your point of view. I saw the movie Babe. But I didn't invent the food chain, and I can't help it if we're at the top of it. Besides, I think Babe and friends would be happy knowing how much pleasure their sacrifice is bringing to the human race.

Like it says on the poster, "A little pig goes a long way."

The best words I heard this season weren't Merry Christmas. They were, "The house smells like bacon."

And even though you can see it coming down 7th Avenue, there's only one way I can possibly end this post.

That's all folks.

Batman used to be a LLLUUVV Broker

Long before Christian Bale was making a sport out of tearing his director of photography a new one, the role of playboy-billionaire-crime fighter Bruce Wayne/Batman was played by a guy who didn't take himself nearly so seriously.

Michael Keaton had been a stand-up comedian, and a go-to guest star on sitcoms where he always stole whatever scene he was in. I know nobody remembers The Tony Randall Show where he played a judge, but Keaton had a recurring role where he'd always show up in Randall's courtroom. It was always great watching the old pro and the newcomer riff off each other.

But Keaton eventually reached the point that a lot of comedians do - the point where being funny just isn't enough (I feel their pain). They like to explore their darker side.

Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society, One Hour Photo and Insomnia. Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and 23. Bill Murray in The Razor's Edge and Lost In Translation. Steve Martin in Shopgirl and The Spanish Prisoner. Dane Cook in...oh, wait, I was talking about comedians.

Sometimes it works for them. Sometimes it doesn't. In Keaton's case it did. To this day, many people believe - myself included - that not only was he the first truly dark Batman on the big screen, he was the best.

Where Keaton made it big was his electric, manic performance as Billy Blazejowski in Ron Howard's Night Shift. If you don't know the story, take a look at this trailer (sorry for the poor quality) - it'll pretty much tell you everything you need to know. You'll also get a good idea of why Keaton was the breakout star of the film.

Keaton made something like $60 million dollars from the two Batman films he did, so now he can afford to pick and choose his projects. He's in the enviable position of only working when he wants to.

Which isn't nearly often enough for me.

Riding into the new year

As all of us at Rotation and Balance World Headquarters get ready to close shop until next year (I know, many of you thought we closed shop a long time ago), we want to wish you the very best in the coming new year.

It's going to be a year of possibilities, and the only thing that's going to limit you is how much gas you have to get there and how hard you want to ride the pedal.

Sorry. Had a box of metaphors lying around and wanted to use them before we close.

So forget about what the Mayan calendar says. The only ones that have gone away are the Mayans. Like it or not, you're here for the long haul.

Gas up now - 2012 is going to be a spectacular year.

Those three little words

Nothing says Merry Christmas like the subject of poop.

Ever since my daughter was a little girl, we've had our own father/daughter jokes between us. They often send us into hysterics, while innocent bystanders wonder what time we'll be taking our medicine. Some of them are quite funny and tasteful, perfectly acceptable for telling at the Christmas dinner with family gathered all around.

Some not so much.

There's really no way to explain this gift she got me for Christmas without getting into way more detail than I'm sure any of you want or need to know. Suffice it to say I laughed harder than I have in months when I unwrapped this little gem.

It's an awesome gift, based on a particular joke - one of our less savory ones - that goes way back. Maybe right there is a good place to leave it (figuratively speaking). Except to say that the three little words referred to in the title aren't the ones on the mug.

They're "neat and clean." Enough said.

Deadlines and other fairy tales

Funny thing happened on the way to writing an assignment for a company I do work for.

We had a conference call last Friday afternoon - late afternoon - where several of their people went over the new products they wanted me to write about. Turns out it's going to be a lot more work than I expected (or wanted to do over the holidays), but of course by now you all know my motto: the checks clear.

I wasn't worried about it, because when we all got off the call, the understanding was that the work wasn't due until the first week of January.

At least that was my understanding.

So imagine my surprise when I got an email on Monday asking the status of the work and when I'd have it to them.

I wrote back, and decided truth was going to be my first tactic. I told them not only had I not started working on it, but the agreement was first week of January. Oh, and by the way, they hadn't approved my estimate.

About that estimate. Don't get me wrong - I'm nothing but grateful that this particular client keeps coming back to me with more work. But the holidays are the holidays. So when they asked for an estimate, I gave them one with my holiday rates.

The ones that make it worth my while to be working over the holidays instead of going to movies, spending time with my kids, eating like Oprah at the buffet for two weeks and sleeping off the egg nog and bourbon.

Just kidding. I haven't liked egg nog or bourbon since I got wrecked on several glasses of the mix in high school.

I'm still not sure the room has stopped spinning.

Anyway, the client came back to me just sorry as hell for the misunderstanding. They very politely asked if I could have a portion of the assignment done next week - if it didn't interfere too much in my holiday plans - and the remainder of it in January.

I said sure.

They also told me they'd approved my estimate, which frankly gave me just what I was looking for to start the job.

Christmas rap

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You should need a license to record a Christmas album.

Seriously, when David Hasselhoff and Jessica Simpson are allowed to go into the studio, you know someone's been really naughty and they're taking it out on all of us.

What is it about the holidays that makes celebrities - and alleged celebrities - decide they have to get into the studio and record a collection of sticky, cheesy, treacly, sentimental Christmas standards?

Not that they're all bad. The classic Christmas albums by artists like Barbara Streisand, Tony Bennett, Frank Sinatra or Johnny Mathis have a certain timeless holiday sound.

But when it comes to the newer crop of Christmas albums, I can only listen to so many lush arrangements (insert Hasselhoff joke here) without heaving my nog. I prefer something a little more upbeat, not to mention honest.

In that spirit, for kids from one to ninety-two, please to enjoy Another Christmas Song by Stephen Colbert.

May it jingle your bells, nip at your nose and roast your chestnuts many times and many ways throughout the season.

The Elvis factor

There's a phenomenon called The Elvis Factor. It's the fact that at any given time, 10% of the population believe Elvis is still alive. And of that 10%, 8% believe if you send him a letter he'll answer it.

I'm going to generalize here, but as a rule these people are very sensitive and don't respond well at all to being asked about their questionable beliefs. They don't like being cornered, and when they are usually lash out with personal insults or comments that have nothing to do with the issue at hand.

Imagine, a group of petty, thin-skinned, hard-headed people believing what they want despite verifiable facts to the contrary. Wonder who they're voting for?

When you ask them about it, why all the papers reported him dead, why there's a grave at Graceland, why he's laying in his casket in that famous National Enquirer photo, they all give the same, extremely predictable answer: conspiracy.

It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.

Almost every major event that's happened in the last century has a conspiracy theory attached to it. And a group of people willing and ready to blindly support those theories with their ignorance. When you disagree with them, they act like Americans in Europe for the first time. They just keep talking louder and louder until you. get. it.

You can tell I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist. I have my suspicions about the JFK assassination, I think something may have landed at Roswell and it does seem interesting to me there was one news story about the discovery of over two hundred years' worth of oil in the Gulf of Mexico, and then nothing. But that's about it.

I believe we landed on the moon. I believe Challenger exploded because of a faulty "O" ring.

A healthy dose of skepticism and questioning authority is a good thing. But the reality is, for the most part, things are exactly what they appear to be. And the big events, the catastrophic disasters, the "I'll always remember where I was when I heard it" tragedies happen because they happen.

There isn't any giant conspiracy. There's nothing hiding under the bed.

Although I keep telling my kids there is. It never gets old.

The London Telegraph has a great article on the 30 Greatest Conspiracy Theories. Definitely worth reading, if only for comic relief.

For the most part, these theories are harmless rantings. But one more than the others has a deep cruelty to it. The one about 9/11. The victims families have enough pain for the rest of their lives without these "theorists" continually trying to explain what REALLY happened.

By the way, good luck trying to figure out who put me up to writing this.