Rotor-y club

Being the underachiever I am, I have a long list of things I've started and never finished, most of them involving musical instruments (guitar, violin, piano, accordion - you heard me) and screenplays.

But the one I most wish I'd seen all the way through was getting my helicopter pilot's license.

A long, long time ago, I had a bad fear of flying (freelancing and commuting from Santa Monica to San Francisco for nine months put that to bed). So if you'd have told me back then I'd be piloting helicopters, I would've thought you were crazy. I may still think you're crazy. Frankly, it's a separate issue.

Anyway, years ago my future wife and I had to go to a friend's wedding on Catalina. We took the boat over, but because she had an early meeting the following Monday, we decided to take the helicopter back.

From the minute we lifted off, I saw the light and heard the angels sing (which as you know is not always figurative on flights to and from Catalina). Everything I disliked about flying in an airplane I loved about the helicopter.

Instead of a long running start, the helicopter lifted off effortlessly. Because I was sitting in the co-pilot's seat up front, I could see everything he was doing and ask questions about what it all meant. I could also see everything around and under us through the bubble. Fifteen minutes later, we were gently touching down on the pad on the mainland.

I decided then and there I was going to learn to fly a helicopter.

To everyone's surprise, I started taking lessons. My first helicopter was a Robinson R22. Small, squirrelly and more fun than anything, the basic idea was if I could master it then anything I flew after would be easier.

I took lessons out of Burbank airport as well as Long Beach occasionally. It was all fun and games until we got to the part about autorotation.

Basically autorotation is when the power goes out, and the blades rotate by the air coming up through them as the chopper descends. It's an essential part of helicopter instruction, and everyone has to do it. Here's what it looks like:

The part you can't see in the video is the pilot crapping his pants. You really don't know what a good time is until you're at 1500 ft. and the instructor shuts off the engine. I did it exactly twice. Once where he showed me how to do it, and then once setting it down myself.

One great thing about helicopters is the ability to hover. My friend George Roux used to call it cartoon physics. It's awesome. I've hovered over downtown, over Dodger Stadium and over the 5 freeway at night during rush hour, looking at the bumper-to-bumper headlights that go for literally as far as you can see, and laughing hysterically at why anyone would put themselves through that day in and day out.

For my birthday one year, my instructor who was a pilot for the Glendale PD let me rent a Bell Jet Ranger like this one at cost for an hour (cost was $450). It was like going from a Volkswagen to a Ferrari. I took two friends with me. Once we were in the air, my instructor handed me the stick (figuratively) and we were off.

It was so fast and easy compared to the R22, and at that point all I wanted to do was fly them for a living. Towards the end of that flight, my instructor took control and flew us low through Verdugo Hills, riding up and down and fast just a few feet over the ridges. It was like a combat film and it was the very definition of exhilarating.

During the period I was taking lessons, my wife had a business convention in Kauai. Needless to say, one of the things I wanted to do there was take a helicopter tour. So I researched it more thoroughly than I've researched anything before or since, and found out that the man who actually started helicopter tours on Kauai - Jack Harter - was still doing them.

As opposed to the more touristy-feeling tours the other sixteen helicopter companies on the island were offering - flying by waterfalls with Vivaldi blasting in the headphones - Jack Harter took more of an environmental approach to his. It made for more time in the air and a much more interesting and educational tour.

The chopper seated six or seven people, and I managed to snag the co-pilot's seat. As we were flying over a 5,000 ft. ridge in Kauai, it occurred to me that if Jack Harter keeled over, I could get us back safely. Not that I wanted to test that.

I have to be honest and say I still have the itch whenever I see a chopper fly by, or when I drive by Los Angeles Helicopters, ironically located at Long Beach airport. But even though the 28 or 30 hours I logged are still valid, I've forgotten almost everything I learned during them. So it really would be starting over.

Which is okay. Except, as we all know, for me starting something isn't the hard part.

Hot tuna

Good news for people who love tuna melts.

Radioactive bluefin tuna from Japan's nuclear disaster have made their way to the west coast. Think of them as 10 feet long, 1,000 pound mini-nuclear subs that have invaded the western waters of the United States.

I bet you can't guess what the officials are saying. Well, maybe you can.

They're saying that despite the fact the levels of cesium-134 and cesium-137 are ten times higher than in previously tested fish, the public shouldn't worry: the radioactive tuna is safe to eat. Of course it is.

The tuna fishing lobby says so.

Apparently the only thing actually in danger is the bottom line for sushi restaurant owners.

That's because now the spicy tuna rolls are really spicy. And the regular tuna rolls can't help cooking themselves.

Let's do lunch

Like most parents, I want my kids to realize all of their dreams and have all the things I never did. I want them to have a really good life, one that brings them as much happiness as humanly possible.

I also want them to be better people than I am. From the looks of it so far, that's going to be a cakewalk for them.

The other morning was my turn to drive the kids to school. They go to school seven and a half miles from our house, which for those of you keeping score is a fifteen mile round trip. Don't get me started. Anyway, at the freeway offramp we use to get there, there's always a homeless person sitting there. It's not always the same one. They, along with the standard-issue sad-eyed dog and cardboard sign, usually work the ramp a few days in a row before the shift change.

I call it Homeless Depot.

This particular morning my son had to bring a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts to school. We bought two dozen, because we wanted to have a few for ourselves on the way up (we love donut mornings around here). By the time we reached the red light at the top of the offramp, we had half a dozen extra donuts left.

My daughter said, "Dad, give him the donuts."

It took me a minute to realize who "him" was, but then I handed the donut box out the window to the homeless man who gratefully blessed our day and took them.

The next day before she left for school, my daughter put together a lunch for our homeless friend. A real lunch - sandwich, plenty of snacks, several water bottles. My wife took her to school so I didn't actually get to see her give him the lunch, but I heard all about it. He was visibly touched. My daughter and him exchanged God-bless-you's at the same time.

One of my daughter's many strengths is her kind and caring heart (definitely from her mother's side). It's hard to conceive how so much love can fit in one little girl.

But it does. And it only goes to prove what I've known since she arrived.

That she's as beautiful inside as she is outside.

The commissioner

It's one thing to hear about naval ships, and quite another to actually see them up close.

Last Saturday morning, my son's school orchestra and band were invited to play on the U.S.S. Midway in San Diego. He rode down there on the school bus with them at 6:45 a.m. But because he had to be back up in L.A. later in the day to work at the Hero Complex Film Festival, I had to drive to San Diego in the morning to be ready to whisk him back immediately after his, if I may say, stellar performance.

Normally this is the part where I'd bitch and moan about having to wake up early on a Saturday morning and drive a couple hundred miles. But I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to tell you how glad and grateful I am that I did.

Not only did I get to see my son play crazy trumpet, which is a treat I never get enough of, I also got to see something I've never seen before: a naval ship being commissioned.

Christening and commissioning a ship are two different things. The first is where they crack a bottle of really good champagne over the hull and launch the ship into the water. Commissioning a ship is where the shipbuilder officially hands it over to the Navy, then the sailors and Marines board the ship and bring it to life (more on that in a minute).

The U.S.S. San Diego, the ship pictured here, was in the berth next to the Midway so I had a bird's eye - make that crow's nest - view of the proceedings.

It's all very ceremonial. There are lots of speeches and proclamations about what the ship means to the people who built it, the men and women who'll sail on it and to the defense and protection of the country. It's all very patriotic and extremely emotional.

And it all feels very right.

After the ship is handed over to the Navy, the command is given: man the ship. At that, the band strikes up Anchor's Aweigh and the sailors board it. Then the Halls Of Montezuma is played, and it's the Marines turn. Once aboard, they literally bring the ship to life. The radar dishes start turning. The flags are raised. The horn sounds.

It is very, very stirring.

The U.S.S. San Diego is a Naval transport ship for soldiers and equipment. You can see by the hard angles of it's design that it's meant to be a somewhat stealthier craft than older transports. As I watched these young men and women board the ship, I couldn't help but wonder what lay ahead for them, and sadly, how many of them wouldn't be coming back.

When I see their enthusiasm, sense of service and professionalism, I can't help but be overcome with an unfamiliar feeling that's been in short supply for far too long. It took a minute, but then I recognized it.

Pride in my country.

The laws of freelance

In the same way there are laws of nature (gravity, motion, slow drivers when I'm in a hurry), there are also laws of freelance.

The most inevitable one is when it rains it pours.

In the past week, I've had no less than four inquiries about my availability - two directly from clients, and two from agencies.

That's the good news.

The bad news is all four are asking if I'm available to start working the first week in June. I know, it's a champagne problem to have.

But as nice as it is, another law of freelance is the gig ain't there until it's there. On the long list of things I can count on, like my kid's asking me for money, I know for a fact at least three of these jobs - or all of them - will not happen. Why? Well for one thing, asking about availability is not the same thing as being booked.

Jobs get pushed back all the time for a million reasons. It needs more research. The direction changes. The release date changes. The product changes. The need for freelancers changes. Any number of things can wish a job out to the cornfield.

So the only thing I can do is deal with what's on my plate at the moment for that first week of June, and say yes to all four. Because until someone books me, I'm available.

And if I'm not available when the job actually happens, then they'll either wait for me (yes, it's happened), or they'll move on to the next name on the list (happens all the time).

What I always hope is if I'm not available when someone calls, they at least ask me for the name of a writer they can call. I like being able to refer my friends and hopefully return some of the goodwill I've received many, many times over from my copywriting pals.

Now the waiting begins to see who, if any of them, get back to me.

In the meantime, if you want to have lunch or see a movie, guess what? I'm available.

I laugh at Despair

For years one of my favorite websites has been Despair.com. They create and sell de-motivational posters like the one above, and the requisite paraphernalia to go with them: calendars, t-shirts, coffee mugs, etc.

They like to remind their visitors that "Motivational posters don't work. But our demotivator posters don't work even better."

I think I like the site so much because in every one of their posters is the seed of truth. If you work in advertising, you'll recognize that seed immediately in this one:

There are a couple other things I like about Despair.com. First, it's a great go-to site for gifts, last minute or otherwise. And second, there's a part of the site where you can create and then print out your own demotivational poster. I have a folder on my desktop full of them.

It so speaks to my kind of humor. It's one of those sites I kick myself for not having thought of. But I didn't. It was co-founded by this guy:

The funny part is I've seen that "Welcome To Despair" sign many times in my mind as I've walked into certain agencies I've worked for (you know who you are).

If you're up for a laugh, check out the site. And if you're feeling a little down, just try to remember this gem:

Look who got it right

Yesterday General Motors made the overdue decision to pull all paid advertising from Facebook. My question is what took so long? And how long will it be before other companies come to the same conclusion?

As I've said many times, including here, online advertising just doesn't work as advertised.

I'm also a bit glad. Facebook has played fast and loose for so long with its privacy terms - weighing them mostly in their favor - that I can't be sorry they're taking a hit, albeit a small one, financially.

I know it seems like I'm biting the hand that feeds me. Lord knows it isn't the first time and it won't be the last. But the fact is that with so few people actually clicking on internet banner ads, page takeovers and in-app advertising to Learn More, Get Info or Buy Now, it's just not worth the expenditure.

It was only a matter of time before companies wised up. It's just surprising it was GM, not a company known for making prudent financial decisions in the past.

As both advertisers and users grow weary of Facebook and leave, which has already begun, Facebook will have to try to reinvent itself in a way that gives the customers what they want. And what they want, as proven by their total disregard for Facebook ads, is less advertising.

That's not going to help the projected earnings statement promised to investors in this week's IPO.

On the other hand, as a lot of companies head for the exit, it's going to give smaller ones the opportunity they wouldn't have otherwise had to reach whoever is left on Facebook.

Which can only be good news for these guys.