Who's doing the talking here

I've always had a morbid fascination with ventriloquists. What other kind of fascination could you have with them?

Years ago, I was freelancing for the Fox Family Channel. One of the programs I had to write about was a special called the World Of Magic that was filmed at the Hollywood Palladium. I went to the show, and saw a lot of poofy sleeves, tired doves and startled looking rabbits.

But towards the end, there was a magician that had a grotesque looking mask on his face. He removed it, and underneath was another mask. And another one. And another one. He was pulling them off one after the other at an insane speed. He must've had fifty masks on.

I turned to the girl sitting next to me and said, "I'm going to go out on a limb and say he had a pretty screwed up childhood." She said, "If you think that's messed up, you ought to see the vents." By vents she meant ventriloquists. Come to find out she was Erica Larsen, daughter of the founder of the Magic Castle. We talked for a bit, and she told me about all the vents that performed at the Castle.

I was hooked. I decided then and there I was going to make a documentary showing the bizarre world of ventriloquists.

I met Erica at the Castle for lunch and told her the idea. She liked it a lot, and said she'd be happy to connect me with some vents. I also wound up going to the International Ventriloquist Convention in Las Vegas, where I shot a lot of video and interviewed many of the participants.

One of the things I remember most is the woman who'd only talk or answer question through her dummy.

It's a little surprising I could even look at a ventriloquist dummy after a prank my roommate Ned pulled on me years ago.

Ned owned a Jerry Mahoney dummy he knew creeped me out. He also knew I got up in the night to go to the kitchen. So he put the dummy on the kitchen counter right next to the frig. That night, about two in the morning, I went to the frig. I believe there's still a hole in the ceiling from when I saw the dummy sitting there.

And of course, I still get a chill thinking about the Twilight Zone episode pictured above, where a ventriloquist dummy is alive, eventually changing places with his owner - Cliff Robertson.

Anyway, add my documentary on ventriloquists to the list - along with accordion lessons, several screenplays, helicopter flying lessons and marathon training - of things I've started and never finished.

But the idea haunts me, and I imagine eventually I'll come back to it. After all the time and thought I've given it over the years, I'd be a dummy not to.

Goodbye to one of the greats

This picture of Phillip Seymour Hoffman is what he looked like when I met him. On the right is my best friend and best man Scott Thomson. As you can probably guess, the photo is from the movie Twister.

Scott was in Ponca City, Oklahoma for months filming Twister, and it just so happened he was going to be there through one of his more significant birthdays. My wife and I decided we'd surprise him, so I called Bill Paxton (under his alias at the hotel) and together we arranged a surprise party for Scott.

Let me just say you haven't lived until you've partied on a Saturday night at the VFW in Ponca City. Helen Hunt and I were playing barrel of monkeys. Long story.

Anyway, Scott introduced my wife and me to many members of the cast, including Phillip. My memory of him is just this electric energy, this bigger than life character that also came across in the movie.

Obviously you didn't have to meet him to be a huge fan of his remarkable talent. From the music critic in Almost Famous, to the author in State And Main, the sad sound man in Boogie Nights, the disgruntled team manager in Moneyball, the heavy in Mission Impossible, his Oscar-winning performance in Capote and fifty-eight other films, to me he was like the Gene Hackman of his generation. It didn't matter if the film was good or bad, Hoffman was always a shining light, the extraordinary performance to look forward to that would elevate the work to an entirely different level.

I think the fact I got to meet him makes his death even sadder. He'd struggled with heroin addiction for years, even entering rehab last May.

I always used to wonder about stars of a certain era and stars of today. I used to say will we feel the same way about, for example, Bruce Willis passing as we did about Jimmy Stewart? Phillip Seymour Hoffman was one of today's golden era. He was the real deal.

At one point in Charlie Wilson's War, Hoffman's character says, "It was nothing."

Watching Phillip Seymour Hoffman on screen was something.

Rest in peace.

Typo happens

Has this ever happened to you? You work on a commercial for weeks, concepting it, selling to the client, getting the budget approved, shooting it and then finally seeing it on the air. Only to discover there's a typo in it.

Not talking about a little teeny typo buried in the legal copy. I'm talking about a big ass typo right out there for the world to see.

It happened to me years ago. I was working on the Coco's Restaurant account, and they wanted to promote a Prime Rib, Steak and Shrimp offer. Should've been easy enough.

Except when the spot got to air, the end title card read "Prime Rib, Steak and Shimp."

The interesting part is the spot ran for three weeks before some eagle-eyed viewer called to say there was a typo.

Afterwards, I did a little math and figured out that between myself and my partner, all the account people, all the clients, all the production and editorial people who had seen it before it was released for air, over 61 pairs of eyes had missed the typo.

The promotion was over before we had to do anything about it. To this day I don't know if the client even knew.

In today's marketing wars, I'm sure heads would roll if an obvious mistake like that somehow made it out the door.

But back in the day, we all had a good laff about it.

Snow job

This is not going to play well with many of my friends. But here goes: Edward Snowden is not a hero, despite how desperately he wants you to think he is.

It's easy to see how he might've been mistaken for one. After all, he single-handedly blew the lid off the government's PRISM program to spy on all our phone calls and internet communications.

Except that he didn't.

The not so clandestine anymore PRISM surveillance program has been operating since at least 2007 with the passage of the Protect America Act under George Bush. What Edward Snowden brought to light was the scope of the operation. But, contrary to his story, he didn't stumble onto it once he had the job at NSA. His motivation wasn't pure. His aim wasn't true.

Snowden at minimum is a vulgar opportunist. He intentionally set out to get his job and top-level clearance at the NSA specifically so he could steal - and steal is the correct word - the top-secret, classified information, which by the way is a federal offense. He also stole very specific information, most of it not dealing with our phone calls being monitored, but information that would be particularly useful to foreign governments. There was nothing random in his approach. It was a systematic search of the data. Opportunist may be the nicer name for him.

Not long ago I wrote a post that talked about the balancing act between the public's right to know and the governments need for secrecy in order to do the job we ask it to do. I'm really at a loss as to why it's so shocking to some that our government would do the things Snowden suggests. The only thing I can say is have you read the papers lately?

This is the world we live in. And it has been for a long time now.

If Snowden was in fact a patriotic whistleblower, he could've done many things differently. He could have collected the information then brought it to any members of Congress not on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee or Senate Intelligence Committee (both of which have known about the program, its capabilities and its targets since the beginning) for investigation. Instead what he chose to do was flee to first China then Russia, guaranteeing that they now have a treasure trove of information regarding our surveillance of their countries. Foreign surveillance that does not impact American liberties. Snowden has said that they have not seen any of the stolen data, but that simply doesn't stand up to reason. It's the only chip he has to play.

I don't know if that makes him a traitor. At the very least it makes him a coward.

Am I comfortable with the degree of latitude the NSA has? Of course not. It definitely needs to be investigated and changes need to be made in the program. But seriously, when the Norwegian government starts talking about nominating Snowden for a Nobel Prize, something is terribly wrong.

Only one person knows what Snowden's true motivations were. And despite everything he's saying, he's not talking.

All flash, no depth

On every generation iPhone that comes out, one of the most predictable things Apple always waxes on about glowingly is the camera. Right now, it's up to eight megapixels, and has the latest motion steadying, auto-flash, auto-focus, easy zoom, flux capacitor technology so every picture is crystal clear and perfect all the way up to 88 miles an hour.

Their website even boasts "So anyone anywhere can take an amazing photo at any time."

Clearly, Apple believes they've used technology to turn us all into Annie Leibovitz, taking award-worthy pictures of even the most mundane and insignificant objects wherever we go. How else do you explain an average of 465 photos per 1GB devoted to them on every iPhone.

Apple is so confident of their phone camera, they show these pictures - among others - on their website as examples of the kind of results one can expect.

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I was at an event the other night. It was a one-of-a-kind Tribute to the Beatles, with the two surviving band members performing. As you'd expect, it was a once in a lifetime photo opportunity. Fortunately, or so I thought, I had my iPhone camera and all it's picture-improving technology with me.

You should know that I'm a steady hand and have a fairly good eye. Additionally, because I've shot my fair share of commercials, I use the "one more for protection" approach to taking pictures at an event like this, almost guaranteeing there will be a clear, great, usable shot. Almost.

Here are some of iPhone pics from the event:

The idea perpetuated by Apple that an iPhone camera eliminates the need for a real camera is absurd. Just ask any photographer (real ones, not me).

This seems to be one of those lessons I have to keep learning. I have to stop shooting (see what I did there?) for convenience, and opt for the camera that's going to give me the results I expect. Even if it doesn't fit handily in my pocket.

Next time I'm attending an event that's bound to be filled with Kodak moments (look it up), I can definitely picture myself using one of these to capture the memories:

More hot air

This morning I took the wife's Land Cruiser - the car of choice I use to come up behind Smart Cars at a high rate of speed when they're stopped at red lights - to America's Tire Store. I don't know if it's really America's Tire Store, but I suppose they couldn't say it if it wasn't true.

Anyway, I was there because I think the last time my wife had the tire pressure checked was 2004, and I thought it was time to do something nice to make sure she was safe on the highways and byways.

And score some marriage points.

We buy all our tires for both cars there. The customer service is great, the prices are competitive and whether it's patching, replacing or inspecting, they're usually pretty quick about getting it done. Besides, even when they're not, they're in a shopping mall with lots of stores I like and an Edwards 26 Theater. So there's that.

They also check tire inflation for free. Instead of reading that little thing with numbers that used to pop up out of the air hose like it was really happy to see you, it's now all digital. They set the pump to the tire manufacturer recommended number, hook the hose to the tire and inflate it to exactly the proper pressure. As I suspected, all four of her tires were low, but they were the same amount of low so at least they were wearing evenly.

That's what Perkins, the person doing the checking said. I never did find out if Perkins was his first name or last name.

When it was over, Perkins said he was going to give me a "report card" on the tire inflation - the card you see here. Apparently, I got a passing grade, or "Green" in tire lingo.

By the way, great band Tire Lingo. Saw them at Coachella in '08 (that was for you Siegel).

Here's the thing: since Perkins gave me the card after he was done with the tires, wasn't it really more a report card about him than my tires? A little reminder to say, "Look how perfectly I filled your tires."

It wreaks of a desperate attempt at consumer engagement. Gee, I wonder where a mediocre and useless idea like a report card after the fact could've been generated from? Some mysteries we may never solve.

The tires were each under-inflated by 6 lbs. Not a huge number, but when I drove away I could definitely feel the improvement in the handling. I looked at the report card Perkins gave me, and smiled.

Maybe it'll help me get into a better school. These are the best grades I've had in a long time.

What does this remind me of?

It's deja vu all over again.

Have you ever seen or heard a story that reminded you of a place you've been, or know so well, and it's right on the tip of your tongue but you just can't manage to say it?

That's what happened when I read about the Lyubov Orlova, a 300-foot cruise ship that snapped it's tow line on the way to being scrapped, and has been adrift on the ocean for a year. It's what us seafaring folk call a "ghost ship", with no crew and filled with hundreds of diseased, cannibalistic rats named Hannibal.

Just kidding. I don't know how many of the rats are named Hannibal.

The point is, I was reading the article about it, and oddly enough, the idea of this once great ship, now years out of its prime, this giant of its industry, once filled with life and purpose, that at one time brought joy not only to those who worked on it but also those who experienced the fruit of that work, now floating powerless, wandering aimlessly adrift wherever the currents take it - so far off course for so long it can never get back.

I just feel like I've been on that boat. It all sounds so very familiar.

Especially the part about the cannibalistic rats.