Don't ask: Borrowing my brush

It's actually uncanny, but I know exactly what you're thinking.

You're saying to yourself, "I wonder whatever happened to that 'Don't Ask' series of posts Jeff used to put up. They were so good! So well-written! And really, really funny!"

"And he's so humble about them."

First of all, thank you. And second of all, when you're right you're right. I know the ones you mean.

Don't Ask: Watching Your Stuff.

Don't Ask: Working the Weekend.

Don't Ask: Loaning You Money

Don't Ask: Writing a Letter For You.

Don't Ask: Sharing a Hotel Room.

Don't Ask: Picking Up at the Airport.

And the perennial Don't Ask: Moving - to this day still one of the most popular and requested of all the random posts I've put up here.

Well the Don't Ask drought is over with this post. Let's drink deep shall we.

There are personal grooming and hygiene items that were never meant to be shared. For example, you wouldn't ask to borrow my toothbrush, because you know I'd mock you relentlessly in my award-winning* Don't Ask series of posts.

You could ask to use my favorite razor, but I'd never let you. What if you cut yourself? I don't know what kind of germs are spinning out of control in your bloodstream, and I want to make sure I never find out.

Along the same lines, that's why you're not going to use my brush. I don't know what's living in that head of hair you've got. Lice? Dust? Bad coloring? Out of state relatives? Whatever it is, I hope it likes there because that's where it's staying.

There's also the issue of cleaning my brush after you're done using it. Suddenly all that loose hair that would normally live in your sink for days on end is now setting up shop in my brush. No thanks.

I was going to post a picture of a used, dirty hair brush, but there are some things you don't need to see close up.

You may not appreciate it—I know I don't—but there's a reason I'm called the Silver Fox™. It's because my distinguished mane looks clean, full and stylish all the time. You know how it gets that way? After I apply a dime-size dab of style-holding product, I brush it several times a day.

With the brush you're not going to borrow. So don't ask.

*imaginary awards are still awards.