The Pep Talk

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Endless meetings. Bad coffee. People judging your ideas who should be paying for the privilege of watching you work.

These are just a few of the things advertising agency creatives have in common.

Another is The Pep Talk.

Unlike many aspects of agency life that are unforeseeable, The Pep Talk is actually one of the more predictable ones. Because certain events are bound to trigger one, you can usually see it coming.

The agency's biggest account is "in review." Or walking out the door. Your boss gets fired. The lead creative team is opening their own shop. There's a new VP of Marketing. The agency gets bought.

The irony of The Pep Talk is while its intended purpose is to reassure, comfort, energize and instill a sense of camaraderie and teamwork, it usually has exactly the opposite effect.

And if you've been through more than one of them, like anyone who's worked ten minutes in an agency, you already know that apparently there's only one script for The Pep Talk.

By no means a complete list, here are a few telltale things you'll hear that let you know you're in the middle of one:

I know you've all heard about (person's name/account/other agency).

We're sorry to see (person's name/account name) go.

It was a mutual decision, and we wish them well.

We're restructuring the department.

Nobody else is going to be leaving.

Everything is going to be fine.

You'll all be fine.

Now more than ever we need to pull together.

We'll keep doing the great work we've been doing.

You have nothing to worry about.

When we lost (account name) it was the same situation, but we came through that and we'll come through this.

Everything is fine.

We're going to come out of this stronger.

Onward and upward.

And no Pep Talk would be complete without the classic "I don't have the answer to that, but I'll get back to you."

What happens next is almost as predictable as the talk itself.

People go back to their desks, call their friends at other agencies, tell them the ship is sinking and ask if they're hiring. Flash drives go into overtime saving years worth of work.

Predictably, everybody gets together and talks about how predictable The Pep Talk was.

I don't envy the people that actually have to give the talk. It's a tough position for them because they know that you know that they know it's all a crock.

And nobody really knows what's going to happen next.

The whole ritual would be less insulting if they could just weave in a bit more of the truth. Not even the whole truth, just a little more. For example, they could say "Well, didn't see that coming." Or "Yeah it's going to be strange." Or "I was as shocked as you were. Who knows how the hell this is going to turn out?" Or "We are so screwed."

It wouldn't be any more reassuring, but at least it'd be honest.

The funny part is that once The Pep Talk is over, and the aftermath dies down, everyone gets back to work doing what they do. Because we're all professionals, and we all know the work has to get done. We also know that while some agencies live or die by one account, none of them live or die by one person. Agency life goes on.

And why shouldn't it? After all, everything's going to be fine.